A few months ago I posted this:
What is wrong with me??
I can't take this anymore!! My elderly father talks so badly about me to the care takers. Yesterday we got into a shouting match and he told me I was going to go blind, because god was going to punish me for not honoring my parents. I only gave up my life to come in and care for him. I made the decision to get my own apartment. I am not walking away 100% but I need to find peace and if going away for 1 week or days is going to bring me peace I feel like I have to do it. I have talked to friends about it in the past and they always change my mind. I hear things like that's crazy you are wasting money. My peace is worth more then anything. Oh and btw I am not the only child there are 4 more who have not set foot in 3 yrs!!! So what the hell is wrong with me!!!
I just moved into my apartment on Friday 04/09, on Monday 04/12 I get a phone call from APS stating that I had been reported for neglect and that my father was not being taken care of, no food or medications, and that he is left along to many hours. I have to work and need to have my own life. I was speechless for words on how all those accusations were being made towards me. I don't have any ideas on who could have said it. I know our neighbors are very nosy since I have had issues in the past. Did I make the wrong decision in moving out??? I am his POA but in order for me to care for him I needed to set boundaries. PLEASE HELP ME!!
7 Answers
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My dad was distraught that someone wouldn't come straight to him with their concerns rather than reporting them to APS, but folks are weak and won't do that. I told him we knew they were fine, I was there weekly to spend the day with them, and my brother lived a mile away. The call was ludicrous and unnecessary. At the time of the call, he was active in the community, attended church regularly, and took care of my mother and the house on his own. It isn't like they'd disappeared off the face of the earth.
I say don't sweat the APS report but put your dad in a nursing home now. That will bring you the greatest peace. He's made your life miserable, and it isn't going to get better. I do have to wonder how he's taking his medications properly if a caregiver is only there for two hours in the mornings, though. Who makes sure he's taking them in the evenings?
You have absolutely nothing feel guilty about! And I am sure APS will tell you the same!
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You say you think it was the neighbors, but it could just as easily have been dear old dad, since he has already proven he's a master manipulator. And you know what? If it was him, he might have made the accusation anyway, even if you had stayed! And if it was the neighbors who called, how on Earth would they have known you moved out, unless dear old dad told them, embellishing on how neglected he now is?
When APS questions you, just be honest with them. "I can no longer take care of him, for many reasons. I want to relinquish my POA; can you advise me how to do that?" If APS wasn't already aware of your dad and his behavior, if they really felt the accusations had teeth, it wouldn't have been a phone call; they would have shown up on your doorstep and done this in person.
Since you now know how far dad/neighbors are willing to go, you shouldn't even question whether you made the right decision...know in your heart you did, and let dad figure it out -either on his own, or with state assistance.
Alva has given you excellent advice. Turn dad's care over to another sibling or the state and walk away. You might do him the 'honor' of explaining what his complaints got him, in the end.
Is your father demented and does he has a diagnosis. If so you cannot walk away without reporting him as a senior in need or in danger if he will not cooperate with you.
Be honest with APS. If your father has a diagnosis of dementia, show it to them. If not ask that they help you with getting assessment. If he is not demented you are not responsible for him. But if you are doing the duties of POA, paying bills, and handling accounts you need to keep meticulous records of this and have the ability to show these to APS.
So the questions are not who reported, but what is your father's condition and ability to care for himself? If he is unable, you as POA need to do so or see others can and then resign your duties.
Speak honestly with APS about the current problems. See a lawyer to write a letter of resignation of POA; report your Dad as a senior in distress with needs you cannot fulfill.