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Dali13 Asked April 2021

How to I cope with estranged sister causing problems while father is terminally ill?

Hi Everyone
I'm in a bit of a dilemma, my lovely dad is terminally ill with cancer. I have been caring for him after work/weekends which is fine, we have a good relationship..


My concern is that my sister who I am estranged from (lives overseas) has decided she is coming home to live with him while he is ill. That is lovely for him, of course it is. But the problem is that it will be difficult for me to see him without her overseeing this. I know she will do her upmost to exclude me from any gathering as she's done this before..


She has been so horrible to me over the years (hand on heart , I have no idea why). When my mother was ill she came home and took over and never informed me of her declining condition or passed on information from Dr /consultant. She even discarded the gifts and items I brought to hospital for mum, totally awful behaviour. She creates drama always and blames me for things I know nothing about and trying to turn family members against me. I decided to break all contact with her after my mother's funeral many years ago.


The thoughts of all this happening again is worrying me. I have two brothers who know what she's like but seem to turn a blind eye!!


I have a great relationship with my dad and would be devastated if he was close to end and she wouldn't tell me , she is that spiteful..


How do I get through this traumatic period with my dad while she with him 24/7...??


Comments very much welcome.


Thank you.

cxmoody Apr 2021
Is there a friend, or family member, with whom the two of you could sit with, and discuss the situation?
—Someone who will direct the conversation, and mediate for you both when your sister gets here.

I’m sure that my sister sees things differently that I do. If she were ever to participate, we would need someone to help us.

Just a suggestion.

Best wishes!

JoAnn29 Apr 2021
Seems Dad is well enough to express his wishes. If so, I would tell him what happened before and you were left out. At least he understands the dynamics and when u don't make your regular visits, why.

You need to stand up for yourself. You have been doing the caring. You have as much right as she does to see Dad. POA does not even give a person the right to alienate family. Only if the POA feels it upsets the person in some way.

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thingsarecrazy8 Apr 2021
Do you have or does anyone have a POA on your dad? Many times one person thinks they should have control. What is important is that whatever is done is in your dad's best interest.
It is wrong for anyone to withhold information from another family member about their family members health. We has that happen in our family, which caused quite a problem with relationship between us.
I think if I were to do it all over again, I may seek out an elder law attorney and ask if you have any rights to stop the family member from taking over. While they may not have all the answers they have seen this type of thing before.
Oh, who has authority to tall with your Dad's physicians? If it is you, they to make sure that you are kept in the loop by speaking to them personally. You also need to make sure your sister doesn't take any of that authority away.
Has your sister been in contact with your dad prior to hearing of his declining health?
Best of luck.

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