I have been taking care of my wife for 5 years. She has had a stroke and doesn’t have any memory other than her early adulthood! What she had for dinner will be a mystery? She also has MDS plus is anemic and has been transfused 4 times in the last year. She doesn’t recognize what I do for her on a daily basis plus all of the appointments that are made, taking her to Drs, the list is staggering of the medical attention she requires? And guess who takes care of it all? The bad part is she is always mad at me if I make her do something she doesn’t want to do? Like take a shower. She would go two months without one if left alone! When I insist she takes one she has rage in her eyes! Of course she is a non violent person and couldn’t and wouldn’t hurt a flea, but that she feels so strongly about
not maintaining her hygiene is bothering?
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Of my five clients today...
One lives alone normally but has his daughter staying
One lives in independent living but needs help at the moment
One is recovering from serious illness and lives with his wife
One is a young adult woman with a moderate to severe learning disability whose primary caregiver has recently had a stroke
One is recently widowed, has a broken arm, and is in the process of moving house at her family's instigation (I predict a riot).
What all of these people have in common is that their families love them very much and are closely involved in their care, but they need support. They cannot do it all. One difference our service makes is that it takes us 45 minutes to get through a routine - like showering, good example - that can take a family three miserable days of nagging to accomplish.
Not having to be the bad cop the whole time might be a real relief. Worth a try?
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My DH, when I had cancer, did as little as humanly possible for me. Didn't bring me meals, didn't do any housework or cooking. Never did a load of laundry or swept a floor. Took every out-of state job he possibly could. Wouldn't even take me to chemo. I still don't know WHY. He said my bald head really put him off. (Well, it was no picnic to look in the mirror for over a year and see my hairless head and face). He wouldn't even touch me. People said he was 'distraught' but all I could feel was him distancing himself as far as possible. It hurt and it still hurts.
If I were in your shoes--please look into a GOOD facility to place your sweet wife. If her memory is gone, then everything is but a sweet, fleeting memory, if that. You are a one in a million.
It took my mom areally long time to accept dad's passing and to not be angry with him for the many years she had to care for him. She had a LOT of help, and he never got any level of dementia, but they lived in tight quarters and it was hard on mom.
You will visit, of course, as you build your 'new normal' life. In time, the sadness of your wife's condition will fade and the good memories will return.
You still love her. You just don't love the person she is turning into--or rather, you don't love the disease. Big difference.
Sounds like you've done a great job so far, but it might be time to hand over the reigns to others, so you can get your life back and rest in the knowledge that your wife is well taken care of.
I didn't really answer your initial question, but know this, if the tables were turned, and it was your wife that was looking after you in a similar situation, she would continue on out of love, and do whatever was best for you and her in the situation. So while you may not feel her love right now, you must know that it's still there, and you may even notice it more, when the 24/7 cares are not all on your shoulders. I wish you the very best. God bless you.
You are a good husband. But, you are tired.
Spend some time here on the forum. Do a search for “burnout”. You will find that MANY caregivers are in your boat. Also, you will find lots of different suggestions on how to go about getting some help for YOU.
God bless you.
I cared for my wife for 12 years and the way I did it was to pray for a
servant's heart... I looked at it as an assignment..
Reflecting upon those years, I value you them as the most satisying period of my entire lifetime..
My wife had a massive stroke and was completely paralyzed on one side. She could not speak...About one year after the stroke she began having grand mal seizures and every so often, she experienced one of them...She also had skin cancer, ingrown toenails, many UTIs, and the list goes on extensively.
Her attitude was good...she was cheerful. That was very helpful to me. We laughed a lot...We were high school sweethearts...we were married 61 years when she died in 2017.
I realize my experiences have nothing to do with you,,,I just wanted to share what it was like for me...
I wish you well..
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation
She liked the standing shower much, much better.