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Rosses003 Asked April 2021

Really feeling trapped in every sense of the word. Concerned about my own physical and emotional health. How do you preserve your sanity?

My situation is such that I know my only option is to stay with my mom (86yo, multiple ailments) to try to care for her to the best of my abilities. So my question -or rather my plead for help- is to ask how do you do to truthfully not let what an elderly parent says or does affect one so deeply?


I am an only child and every time my mom yells at me, stops talking to me, refusing to eat, etc., as a defense mechanism, which really is coming from a deep depression, it really affects me.


Likely because caregiving is the most important role I currently have. I just want the best for my mom, but need to survive myself.


How do you preserve your sanity?


I truly feel completely lost.


May God bless you greatly caregivers🌹

5 Answers

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Maple3044 Apr 2021
Your mom's brain is broken. She isn't the one being hurtful. It's her broken brain. When my husband tells me he hates me and he's going to call a lawyer and leave, I just tell him to go for it. It's not my husband talking; it's his broken brain. Just ignore what she says, the same way you would ignore something a stranger on the street would say. I leave the room or go do something like run the vacuum to drown out his voice. Eventually he settled down and is his sweet self again. Don't own the ugly negativity.
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SeniorStruggles Apr 2021
Oh gosh, Maple! That's terrible. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. xoxox
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SeniorStruggles Apr 2021
It's a nearly impossible question. It's an awful thing to have to do for another person. That's my summary of my own experience. Sorry.
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Islandmama Apr 2021
I have been taking care of my 85 year old Mother for almost a year. She is increasingly getting more sick..constant UTI’s several hospital stays and just came home from a 3 week stay in a rehabilitation(the first time I have been able to sleep through the night without getting up to check on her. I adore my Mother. But since her Rehabilitation Stay..she has been begging me not to ever take her back there.she would rather die at home.BTW she had excellent care in the Rehab Home and was considered a model patient.Since we live on a small Island just about everyone knows her. She even admits she had excellent care. She has terrible short term memory loss,and remembers nothing about her hospital stays. I feel she needs more testing for UTI’s which seems to be the main thing that keeps making her physically ill. She was so active prior to her illness in Nov2020.Any advice on how to keep her from being less agitated about her future care would be deeply appreciated
Helpful Answer (2)
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veronica1864 Apr 2021
Hey! I am 24, currently the 24 hr caregiver for my grandma (94) for the last 10 months almost. She had chronic UTIs for the whole first 7 months in and out of the hospital 4 times, sepsis, insane mood swings. It’s so crazy how much they effect people she was a totally different person and very hard to take care of. About 3 months ago I did some research and with the help of our amazing home health care nurse I got her on a medicine that’s kept the UTIs away for 3 months now!! My gma is doing better than ever since the stroke (10 months ago) everything is improving. However now she’s getting dementia pretty bad but I’m just so happy the UTIs are gone. The medicine is called methenamine mandelate 1gm taken 2 times a day. It makes her urine to acidic to produce bacteria. Also she usually reacts very badly to new medicines, will have all the side effects etc but nothing with this one it’s a miracle. I hope this helps you!! Also my grandmother was in and out of the rehab facilities and she had a horrible time. She never wants to go back, she’s told me some things that are pretty awful. Also the uti alters the brain too so She could be exaggerating a little bit but for her age she is very very bright. but I know with all the covid im sure things aren’t perfect there no visitors etc who knows what’s going on. I have a friend that used to work in one and she said keep your loved ones out of there. She hasn’t had to go back since the uti is under control thank god but she still talks about it.
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againx100 Apr 2021
This sounds like a really hard situation. Your mother is lucky that you are there to help her. I guess it is time to realize that your mom is not so much your good old mom anymore. With her depression and her pain, it is probably really hard for her to behave in an acceptable, pleasant fashion. Try to remember that it is the depression talking, try to put it aside and think of it as not her fault.

Is her depression being treated? Her pain? If not, I would really push hard to get these things under control. If she refuses to go to the doctor, maybe there is some way you can get her to go by saying something like "insurance requires you to go to the doctor"? A little fib here and there to get some compliance could be in her best interest.

If that is not an option, do some research on depression and natural treatments for it. Supplements, sunshine, exercise, etc. If you go at it with an upbeat attitude and try to make it seem fun for her, maybe she will cooperate.

Why is staying with her your only option? Feeling stuck is NOT a good thing. You need to at least have an exit plan so that you know you are there by CHOICE, not by force.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
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Lvnsm1826 Apr 2021
What I do is numb myself, to which I don't care, and don't take it personally. Sometimes, I still feel upset. And then try to cool off. It helps to take a breath in and out, so you can refocus yourself.

It's hard. We just try to do the best we can.
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