I made the decision to move in with my partner. Now it’s his aunt and mother with dementia, too. Mistake...Now what?

I think you've already made up your mind when you say, "I’m not willing to give up the years of vitality I have left to care for his family." I'd be making the same statement if I were in your shoes, frankly. Because your b/f has chosen his mom & aunt OVER you by refusing to take your needs into consideration, by not making room for your things, by escaping into TV and video games rather than address the elephant in the room, and finally, by telling you he 'understands if you leave.' To me, that says it all right there. He's not willing to make any changes for the sake of the RELATIONSHIP; it's all for the aunt and the mother, when other options ARE available ie: Assisted Living, in home caregivers, etc. Yet he's perfectly willing to watch you break your back and age yourself taking care of HIS family members! To me, that's a deal breaker b/c it's NOT what you signed up for!

I know it's hard to have to choose between the man you love and your future happiness, but your future is the most important thing! Longevity runs in my family too...........my mother is 94 and going strong, one uncle is 100 and going strong........you just don't know how long these women can live. My mother lives in Memory Care because I made a decision long ago that no elders would be living with me, PERIOD. I thank God on a daily basis that I made that decision, too, b/c my mother needs a TON of care with dementia & being wheelchair bound & incontinent for the past several years. It would have been a huge burden on me and on my DH of 11 years had I made the choice to move her in with me!

Perhaps you can have one last talk with your b/f about this matter to make sure he won't budge and is willing to lose you over his refusal to do nothing about this. Then you'll know you tried everything in your power to salvage the relationship before calling it quits.

GOOD LUCK!

Aghtgh4216, sorry to post a second time but after being married to the same good man for 39 years (and dating for 5 before that), you need to find someone who is: 1) ambitious and 2) a problem-solver -- BECAUSE life is a series of challenges, one after another. That's just a fact. People who don't understand and accept this get stuck in place, frozen. That's your man right now. He's not rising to the occasion. So, don't be stuck with him. You must solve your own problem by moving out. Your "love language" may be acts of service, but it shouldn't be a life of slavery. There's no security in your current situation, just mire.

I'm guessing from your responses, you have made up your mind.

One more thing to think about: I don't think your boyfriend's issue is that he's overwhelmed - however true that is - I think his issue is maturity, or specifically the lack thereof.

Unless you have lived an extremely charmed life, there are very few adults who haven't been overwhelmed at one time or another. A mature person deals with it - a mature person doesn't remove him/herself from the situation (like zoning out watching TV or playing video games) while everyone around him/her deals with the situation that is making that person feel overwhelmed. That's something that a child does.

A mature person who is in a committed relationship has enough sense to say to their significant other "I am feeling so overwhelmed by this - what can I do to solve this problem?" A child says "I am feeling overwhelmed - fix it for me."

A mature person invites assistance - not gives the entire problem over to another because he "can't deal". A child does that.

Do you want to be in a relationship with an adult, or act as a mother figure to a man-child? I think that's why he's so reluctant to leave his mom - she treats him like a child, so he can continue to act like a child. His anger with you is that you're not willing to take up that role anymore, and who can blame you? I'm sure that's not what you signed on for when you took up with this person.

If your plan is to cut your losses, do it before you waste anymore of your precious time. If not, be prepared to spend more time in your relationship being a mom, and less time being a partner.

Run away, as fast as you can. Don’t marry him. He’s not the one!!! I’m keeping it short and simple!

I read your responses.

I married the first time at 24 for all the wrong reasons. My ex had not had a good childhood. Mom died, foster home, Dad remarried, didn't get along with Stepmother, ect. So I thought I could give him what he needed. If I had made a list of pros and cons, I would never have married him. It was even one sided before we married. 4 years in we had a daughter. Things went downhill from there. He came home one day and said he didn't want to be married anymore. He took our daughter on Friday afternoons and made sure she was back by dinner. Gave up his parental rights so my now DH could adopt my daughter. Then he just walked out of her life. He was found dead at 69 yrs old sitting in his recliner in front of his TV with beer cans surrounding him. Yes he had married again but again after 5 years he divorced her. So, he died alone.

He like your BF never learned how to have relationships with people. He had turned away 2 wives. Didn't keep in touch with the half siblings he had. Had no long lasting friendships. He did me the biggest favor he could, let me go. I have been married 40 yrs, 2 daughters and 2 grandsons. All within 5 min away. He had told a fellow worker when he retired he was just going to sit in his chair, in front of the TV and drink beer. Thats how he wanted to live the rest of his life.

I think you know what you will be doing. You have been told you don't need to stay. Then don't. Go back to your house. This man is doing you a favor, their is someone out there that will love you above all others.

Walk away - he doesn't have a great buy in to your relationship, you are wasting your life in a situation you are not that important in.

He does nothing because you're doing everything. YOU are his solution, no matter what he says with his mouth. If I were in your shoes I'd plan to move out and don't let him convince you otherwise. It doesn't mean you're breaking up with him. But you really do need to have a boundary or you'll be swallowed up by a problem not of your own making.

If no one has the money to finance their care, and no one has Power of Attorney to manage their care and affairs then he starts to solve his problem by calling social services for the county where his impaired relatives are living and talking to a social worker about having them assessed for in-home services. If they qualify, it is only a partial and short-term solution. Eventually the county can acquire guardianship of them and relocate them into a facility and manage all their affairs. Everyone else moves on with their lives.

Please understand that if you aren't getting paid for the care and are sacrificing a job/career in order to care for these people then you are robbing yourself of your own security in the future. No one is putting away your wages for your social security benefit, to start with.

Your BF doesn't seem to be a good/honest communicator and doesn't seem to know how to solve problems other than to make them someone else's. He seems very passive, as he just lets stuff happen and then doesn't deal with it. What would he do if YOU ever needed real help from him? Probably not much, is the answer. I think you should have higher standards for a partner than that, because you're worth it. Wishing you much wisdom and clarity as you make a decision.

You chose to live with your partner.
You did not choose or agree to live with and become the caregiver to his elderly mother and aunt.
Mom is also jealous and resentful of you being there. Even though you're pretty much a servant in the house, she resents you because she's competing with you for her son's affection. That's why she refuses to allow any space for your things. She will throw a tantrum and make her son's life miserable if he supports you in any way because she wants you out.
There's an old Italian saying. "Better a viper in your bed then two women at your table". It has to be you or mother.
Give your partner the ultimatum that either they go or you do. Really there is no other way.
You say you'll be 50 soon. You're not a kid yourself anymore. Don't sacrifice the remainder of your youth to the drudgery and misery of being a caregiver to people who clearly have no love or even respect for you. They probably never did.
If your partner chooses his mother and aunt over you, then so be it. Tell him they can keep his bed warm at night because you're out. Good luck to you and I hope your partner makes the right choice.

Do you walk away?   Yes.     There have been a number of threads by women I similar situations, which require them to make difficult decisions, especially when the man in the picture isn't supportive.  You might want to read these other threads:

https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=women+domainated+by+men+to+care+for+parent

There are a number of situations which are similar, and "parent" can be substituted for any other person for whom a man is attempting to co-opt a woman into help.

I think his observation that you could leave and he would understand is telling and insightful.  You want to make it work; apparently he doesn't.    Does that reveal anything t you about his attitude?

It could be that he's overwhelmed; so are many of us; it's not unusual.   The drawback is if he's not learning or doesn't want to learn how to cope.    That's a good indication that not only his caregiving efforts but also your relationship is not on a positive track.

I've read so many of these kinds of threads that I begin to wonder if sometimes the men involved know how to provoke, manipulate and control a caregiving attitude from the woman, and then capitalize on it.   That's obviously not a good basis for a relationship.

Sorry to be blunt, but it's time to stop co-opting your life for his.   And, you DON'T have to care for HIS family!

Thankfully, it sounds like you have not rented out your house. If that's so, do yourself a favor and move out of his house and back into yours. At the very, very least, both of you need time and space to sort things out for yourselves. He needs to sort out his life with his mother and aunt. You need a space that is your own, with your stuff in it, and where you feel comfortable. At your age, you deserve that much. This man doesn't value you enough to even clear out space in his house for you. Can you see the big red flag waving overhead?

You have a new career to develop. If you don't give yourself the opportunity to make the most of it, you will regret it.

Open yourself up to new possibilities and friendships. The pandemic has made many people evaluate the future and what they want. As long as you are clear about what you want - and don't want - a new relationship can blossom. Spring is here and summer isn't far off so get out there and start living the "years of vitality" ahead of you.

I also hope you treat yourself to a retreat or some serious pampering.