How to get a thicker skin?

It’s one thing knowing it’s the dementia, but another VERY different thing accepting that whatever relationship you had with your mother in childhood, you owe it to yourself to realize that the person you remember is NOT part of your life now.

The Man On The Bus can rave and yell and say outrageous and untrue things, but you don’t have to believe or pay attention to what he’s saying (or yelling or screaming). He has NO POWER.

The mom who had “power” just isn’t there. If she has a relationship with a physician, would it be helpful to give a “mood smoothing” medication a try?

Many of us have found small doses of medication a helpful tool when dealing with very elderly LOs who have been deprived of their ability to filter what they say. You can request something that will have the fewest negative effects possible, at the lowest dose.

It may be good for both you and your sister to consider having someone coming in to provide respite time for you both. Your mother will protest, but her protests will not necessarily mean that you shouldn’t go ahead and get someone. Prepare a respite visitor for what to expect, then leave for an hour or two to spend doing something that you or your sister enjoy.

You deserve that.

Response to an elderly person's behavior with dementia has to be based on how advanced their dementia is.
I've worked with many elderly people who's behavior ranged from snide and intentionally hurtful comments, to downright obscene with physical aggression mixed in.
When the snide and intentionally hurtful comments start up, tell her that she is wrong to say such things and you will not tolerate it. Then completely ignore her. Go about your business and do not acknowledge her in any way even if she's trying to get your attention. Pretend like she isn't even there. Keep this going for as long as you need to. Ignoring is for you, not her and it will help.
It's good that she doesn't get physical with you. That's harder to deal with. I've had a few who did some worse than others.
I had one woman who's family was at the end of their rope with her. She was very violent. Hitting, biting, spitting, you name it. The family was convinced that it was all the dementia. There was a pattern though. She'd start with saying the most horrendous insults and use the worst profanity imaginable. If no one acted hurt or responded in kind to her, she'd get violent.
When she got used to me and I was familiar to her, the verbal abuse started. I ignored it for a while, then it started turning physical like it always did with her family. Usually I handled her by pushing her arms down or ducking out of the way. One time she bit me and hard enough to draw blood. So I slapped her. Not in the face. On the upper arm. Not so hard that I used my full force because I'm a strong woman and I wasn't intending to injure her, but hard enough to intimidate and scare her a bit. Then I got about an inch away from her face and told her that she will never touch me again. She never did and I was with her five days a week for three years after that. When the profanity and verbal abuse would start, I'd tell her to shut the hell up and no one cares. That abuse and profanity all but stopped too and we got along great after that. I explained all that happened with to her family and they understood. Even though she had dementia, there was still a level of comprehension and self-preservation. She was able to keep her abusive behavior pretty much in check with me. Even though she had dementia she also had awareness of how far she could go with me. Her family patiently tolerated every kind abuse from her for a long time. They never pushed back, so she pushed harder.
Try giving a little bit of it back to her. Not too much, but some. Sure, it will be hard to because she's your mom, but try anyway. You might be surprised and see her behavior towards you improve.

I agree with Ann; respite is the best answer to a problem that has no real solution. Mean & hurtful remarks from a demented mother STILL hurt, in spite of knowing they have dementia. My own 94 y/o demented mother has said some things to me that have cut very deeply and hurt me to the core. So I step back; I stop calling her for a while and call off a scheduled visit to give me time to let the raw emotion calm down.

It seems that you and your sister take turns caring for your mom? That's good..........so if/when she says something awful to you, switch off with your sister or consider hiring some PAID help to come into her home to give you BOTH some well deserved time off. A vacation sounds great right now, I'll bet, doesn't it? Dementia & advanced old age doesn't give a mother a free pass to say horrible things to her daughter...........it still hurts and it's still awful. You're allowed to feel badly and have it sting. I have no idea how to grow a 'thicker skin' except to remove yourself from the toxic behavior for a while.

Good luck!

thicker skin...

hugs!!!
i think it’s a great question.

i don’t know the answer.

i think the sweeter, kinder you are, the more likely you’ll get hurt by mean comments because it’s so far away from who you are.

mean people don’t really get hurt by other mean people’s comments.

but—
we should not become mean people.

...how to develop some superhuman ability to feel less pain/less hurt?

maybe for some people, it’s useful, if they believe in karma...that there’s justice.

i don’t know the answer how to develop thicker skin — normally the advice is: avoid mean people/mean comments.

of course, many of us can’t avoid the person saying the hurtful words.

somehow try to find a way to stay happy.

be careful:
hurtful words are damaging, just like encouraging words can make us fly and reach our dreams.

who we are surrounded by, matters.

i like the quote:
“before you diagnose yourself as depressed, make sure you’re not in fact surrounded by ***ssholes.”

hug!!!!

I find comfort in the arms of Jesus. Pour out your heart to Him. There is not one experience you are going through that He has not gone through.
I have been live in care giver to a Karen for the past six years and would not have made it this far without Christ.

I am new to this forum. A family friend recommended that I join. Obviously to read your question and not feel so alone. It is so hurtful to hear things that take you by surprise and if affects you the more and more it occurs. I hear you! Thank you for making me feel less alone in this!

My Mom has gone back to telling me that she doesn't want me around. She only wants to be with my sister. Mom told me she did not want me taking care of her long before she showed any signs of Alzheimer's Disease. Last year, from May until December, she told me 10 to 12 times a day she didn't want me and didn't love me. So it starts again now. I see a psychiatrist, a psychotherapist, and a priest. Believe me, I pray each and every time it happens. Intellectually I understand that this is the dementia talking, but my heart tells me this is my Mother's voice: the Mother who took care of me for the last 57 years through all of my 33 surgeries, various procedures, diseases and illnesses. My sister, her favorite, has a full time job and cannot take care of her. I am, imagine this, on disability, and "have the time" to be Mom's full time caretaker, so she is stuck with me. I used to apologize to her for being the one here. Now I just tell her to put up and shut up. I am doing a great job, she is healthy and I make sure she has something happy in every day. So when your Mom starts to drag you down, ask her where she would like to be? Because the only place she is going, if it isn't with me, is the grave. (I had better explain this last sentence. Mom does NOT want to leave her home. She wants to die here. My sister and I are working like mad to make sure that happens for our Mom because she would have done the same for us. We are reasonably sure we can make it happen.)

My Alzheimer's-ridden mom would sometimes tell me, over nothing, to "Drop dead and go 'someplace warm.'" The first time she said that, I was appalled. The 10th time, I was mortified. By the 20th time, I told her I better bring sunscreen and a hat. I found that humor went a long way. To that end, I wrote a book about taking care of her called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale."
I also learned to curse the disease, and not the person. When my mom would get in these moods, my husband would often mouth the words, "It's not really your mother," and he was right. She'd never speak that way to anyone about anything, let alone to me, about nothing. That's why I wrote the book, to help me and others, remember that it's often "not really your mother." Best of luck.

I'm sorry for what you are going through--and yes, it's the dementia that makes them say hurtful things. Whether it's the fact their filter has gone, and they are really speaking their minds or they are making things up--doesn't really make us feel any better, does it?

I know that a LOT of what my mother says to me is what she has been
holding in check' for 65 years. A LOT. And it's all hurtful--almost as of she feels like she needs to get this OUT before she dies. Nothing new, it's the same old, same old.

If you can, simply walk away when mom gets in a mood. Does she live with you? That does make it harder, but it can be done.

I have learned to take control of my time spent with mom. All she wants to talk about are other people and not in a nice way--or about her ONE remaining friend, whom she puts down and criticizes, so I DON'T understand that.

Less time spent with mom is probably one way to grow a thicker skin. If that isn't possible, then just working on patience...if you have to be there caring for her.

BTW, TELLING mom she's being offensive is absolutely a waste of breath, but I DO call her out when she's being racist or flat out mean. Some of what I say sticks with her, on some level.

You're asking the billion dollar question (from my experience) and a million isn't what it used to be worth -

* With a background in decades of personal growth, inner work / consciousness, workshops, trainings, meditation 'all of it,' I found myself STILL experiencing the pain that you bring up. It was the one major area I SO DESPERATELY wanted to work on in myself and CONQUER. This is what I realized (during those three years - FYI: I was working with a client, needed the income/job, loved the work, confronted client with angry tirades/rages directed at me, can / did / do set boundaries clearly, and have years of therapist type trainings although not a licensed therapist.

1. Study / learn about dementia and responses. Knowing a person's brain has changed and that their behavior is 'brain controlled,' and not how your mom 'really wants' to behave towards you may help. Develop compassion.

2. Set clear boundaries with her if she can't understand. If she cannot understand you, the talking them out loud will reinforce to you what you need to do. "I am giving you a time out for xxx (5 minutes, 10+ minutes, 1+ hours, etc). And, as possible, take a day or two off. (Find others to fill in, even if you need to pay someone for a four hour shift).

3. When these situations start, leave IMMEDIATELY.

4. Shift your environment and focus. When you leave, look at nature if you can, talk to someone else who is emotionally available, even for a couple of minutes.

5. Be with your feelings. Don't push them back. Your feelings are giving you 'good' useful information about who you are.

6. Learn / look up Focusing; it is a model / process of inner work which I learned many years ago (and guided others professionally). You may want to do this type of exploration at another time, at home, when you are at peace.

7. Learn to talk to your 'feelings' once you identify them (part of Focusing technique). i.e., if you identify fear, feel it saying:
"I am keeping you safe"
"I am safe" (meaning you, yourself, now in this moment - be your own healer / therapist / parent (good parent), etc. Learn to be on your own team.

7a. Feel / realize how your mom communicates is [the degree] of FEAR and terror SHE FEELS and turn your reaction to compassion ... to feel her fear, thereby lessening how you feel (hurt, wounded, perhaps violated).

8. It takes time and repetition to change your own reactions when a wounded, vulnerable area is open and a container of salt is poured into it. Ouch.

9. Develop / find your 'safe place' in your body mind spirit. You likely have a few. Past experiences that delight you,
being in nature, kids -
whatever brings you a sense of joy and equanimity, serenity -
See that image and focus on it. Shift your experience from the feelings of hurt to a place that brings you a positive experience / feeling. In one of my trainings, they suggested 'turning the channel on a tv.'

10. At times I decided that I 'cannot' not feel what is triggered inside me and accepted it. Yes, I certainly thought with ALL my trainings and awareness, I could conquer these painful 'surprise' moments and often I could not. Love yourself through it all. Fortunately for me, I ALSO had very loving, connected moments with this client and actually loved (the essence of who she was) . . . at times. It was not a 24/8 (I was w/her up to 8 hours/day) rage. She always thanked me for everything I did right before I left for the day.

11. Expect these situations to happen. Role play ahead of time in your head and see how you react. Be the Director of these scenarios (= re-program yourself). Or role play with another person.

12. Be sure to take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, get enough sleep. Get your (emotional, spiritual, physical, mental) ducks in a row to be 'armed' and ready. She will not change. You have the gift of being able to and it starts with self compassion and unconditional love. We all need to do this 'all' the love. Gena.