As all families have their own dynamics, mine is quite the specialty of dysfunction. I have been living with my mother for some time now feeling the duty to do so since she developed a fear to be alone, especially at night. She has since had hip replacement, death of a child, and recently a steep decline after two falls. The last fall has left her in bed rest and needing care around the clock. She does like the attention. COVID made things worse for her so this gives her the human contact she craves. Understandably.
I have had to force my mother to be as independent as possible as long as she has been able to be. It's a power struggle to reliquish certain things such as making doctor appointments that conflict with things I have already committed myself to. She has to then take a taxi to the appointment for her Prolia shot, COVID Vaccination. My siblings find it appaling. They have accused me of elder abuse and neglect. Especially when my mother had her hearing aids turned down so low, you have to repeat yourself and raise your voice and then she gets offended and tells your other siblings that all you do is yell at her all day. She says "scream" which is not the case. That would be me screaming in my mind especially when my mother's mental state has her making very mean and hurtful statements.
Now my sister is attempting to move into my mother's house and I suspect money problems. My brother is most likely tired of my mother calling him that she is lonely and supports my sister moving in. This in turn makes me feel like an invisible person who has been here the entire time. I have long hours wth the work I do, and recently stopped fulltime work to pursue a business start-up where it has been helpful to care for my mother full time.
Now my two siblings are on the warpath to remove me as POA. My sister tells everyone that will listen that I am unfit, crazy, bi-polar. This is the same person who refused to come visit our mother for a year because she was "social distancing" but also wanted to bring her new boyfriend to Thanksgiving which increased the amount of people over what the CDC suggested for indoor gatherings.
This has started the snowball of my brother (who hasn't been here in a long time) to say he is coming here to remove me and put me in my place. My sister calls my mother constantly to complain about me and and drop earfulls to her. She then calls my brother to start in as well.
What do you do in this dynamic? I know I need to ignore it but I am senstive and feel even taken advantage of by my mother who loves how I dote on her at her whim, and now actually demands it, then turns around and validates my siblings behavior.
Help?
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Mom is probably in the middle of all this angst. She tells siblings whatever she can to get them more involved in her life. Now you have a sister who wants to come in and be the caregiver? Turn things around on them. Tell sister it would be wonderful to have her there as a caregiver because it would give you more time with your job. Offer to do a little here and there, but put it back on sis. I've been doing this pretty much alone, mom really wants everyone helping her, so your help with her caregiving will be great for both of us.
Or, move on out and let sis find out what caregiving is all about. Don't sign too long a lease, though. Many of the sideline warriors are good at giving advice, not doing the work. They may ask to to return rather quickly and then you can decide what to do at that time.
I did exactly what I just proposed to you, so I have ‘walked the walk.’ Can’t say that I regret it, either. In the end, our family resolved our issues and I truly hope that you can too.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
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Someone to referee, keep it nice & professional.
Help get the aim back to *Mom's care plan*. What will work best for her & those involved.
At present the sibling squabbles are in danger of erroding the entire family's relationships.
Some families have many 'strong personalities' who want to take charge or think they know better.
Having non-family input in that case can be really helpful to identify the real priorities.
My brother and I are mom's POA but I'm not sure if we have to agree on the decision before something can be done financially. My SIL used to take care of Mom and Dad's check book and financials until a few months after Daddy died, then she turned everything over to me. This leaves me in a quandry - I am NOT a book keeper and have problems with simple math (even with a calculator), but Mom always started with their monthly income, took out the month's expenses and "forgot" about what was left, which is what my SIL did (knowing it would still be right on the bank statement), so that's what I've done.
Her bills are seldom more than what she has coming in (she told my SIL when she moved in with us that she wanted to give us $1000 month, which is what we have done for the past 2+ years, and we do not keep records of how the money was spent so if anyone gets hateful after Mom dies, I guess we're in trouble).
We gave used her money (what is left over after what she gives us the $1000) for her personal things, pull-ups, bed pads, PJs, and lately for her room (with my siblings' agreement) for a recliner. I recently ordered drapes for her room which will require curtain rods and plan on hiring someone to put those up since it doesn't seem to be magically happening.
My brother and SIL (6-1/2 hours away) have expressed their confidence in my care for Mom many times, saying they know I am doing what I think is best for Mom and have offered to come get Mom for a week (or two or forever) if I need a break. They also come to visit (and take care of the place Mom and Dad left them) ever 2-3 weeks and visit for a few hours (dinner time until time for night-pills). Since Mom's memory has slipped quite a bit, the visits are not as stressful as they used to be.
My sister, who lives less than a half hour away, is the one who is highly opinionated and wants to tell me what I'm doing wrong. Mom has a decubitus on her coccyx (she is very thin and has a prominent tailbone) and my sister (who is a nurse) told me since I work at home I need to make sure Mom lays down every 2 hours for a half hour. Excuse me? I am WORKING at home, not sitting on my thumbs! Yet she chewed me out over it. I asked her what the minimum acceptable was and she was livid when she said 4 hours and stomped out of the house. I sent her a text to see how long Mom should lay down for if I laid her down every 4 hours and she said an hour would be ideal but anything would be better than nothing. (I don't have to worry about her trying to step in to take care of Mom, though, because she hardly helps so I know she's not going to have Mom move in with her)
Since she gets up anywhere between 8:30 and 10:30, I feel like it is not unreasonable to have her lay down 3-4 hours after she gets up. (I failed to mention that Mom does not move once she sits down unless someone makes her or she HAS to go to the bathroom - and usually doesn't make it). Sometimes when she lays down she will fall asleep and I get her up after an hour, otherwise she gets out of bed herself. I don't put the bed rail up when she lays down during the day but I do have a camera pointed at her bed so I can see if she starts to get up).
Anyway, I have a vocal sister but I don't have to "worry" about her interfering with Mom's care. I would like to think, though, that if she were that vocal and wanted to take care of Mom, that I'd say "have at it!" Of course, not being in that position makes it easier for me to say.
I am sorry your mother is stirring the pot and your sister is keeping things agitated. Ignore your brother's comments if you can, if your mom mentions them, maybe you can leave the room or pretend you don't hear, but don't play into it if you can keep from it.
Please keep us posted as to what transpires. It's hard. My heart goes out to you.
My sister and brother are freaking out most likely about money. I don't think about it other than having to balance a checkbook. I haven't written a check since I don't know when.
Fortunately I have the time to help my mother during the day, have a someone coming in a few hours every couple of days for me to do business stuff that can't be done from home. I do the most of my work from home since last year because of the pandemic.
I have contacted the lawyer who drew up the papers and the office said it is valid that my name is on all of them and also my little sister who passed away about two years ago.
I have now half of my mother's siblings on board with me and for whatever I need in support from them. The others are self absorbed, wealthy an have no time but to make a call maybe once a week since this latest fall.
When people call my mother is in so much pain... when she is bored she is up and moving around. She can go to the bathroom on her own now but rarely makes it. My sister says no diapers but my mother wants them. I've had to clean up a lot of both sides. I make fruit and veg filled meals and my sister likes to give my mother laxitives. I make sure my mother drinks plenty of fluids and my sister wants her not to drink so much. I give my mother her medication as directed by her physicians and what she asks for with pain and my sister goes through and counts pills then decides to throw out what she feels is not needed. So it's a challenge when my sister surfaces.
I won't even delve into her wanting to move into the house to cause even more chaos and noise.
Thank you for your feedback! I really appreciate it!
i hope this helps.
Is your mother suffering from dementia?
If not, you are enabling her to become more helpless and needy by living with her.
Are you, as POA keeping meticulous records? Do you understand completely your fiduciary obligations under the rules of acting as a POA? Are you acting for her and do you have a good document that you have gone to banks with, and etc? Is your mother capable of changing POA? That is to say, is she NOT demented.
The whole answer here comes down to whether there is dementia or not.
If there is, and you have moved in to care for your Mother, you will have to be honest with yourself. Do you wish to spend at least a decade doing this, thus sacrificing your own life, or do you put your Mom into LTC.
The entry into this dynamic of you and a very ungrateful Mom now enters a sister in need. This isn't a hopeful sign.
The dynamics of a troubled family leads to chaos and constant disssention. Again, you and only you can decide if you wish to stay in this chaos. We generally see those who do so return to forum, homeless and without a job, or job history. We often end up suggesting that people go to a homeless shelter until they can get a job at minimum wage and afford a room in someone else's job.
It is hard to move out of habitual daily actions, because they constitute a "known" no matter how troubled that known is.
I suggest you get some professional counseling help to assist you in combing out how to move forward for your own life. Staying with a thankless person ends you up often enough destitute and with no thanks.
I am just so sorry. These dynamics seldom change. You can only save yourself. Your choice to move in with your mother will only make it certain that dynamics don't change.
I wish you the best of luck.
Move out and move on. Go back to being the loving child who visits.
It sounds like mom enjoys "stirring the pot" to stir up contention amongst the siblings. The only way to exit this dynamic is to EXIT.
You only have control over your own actions.