No sex or intimacy in a 7 1/2 yr marriage. How do people make it work?

Before long, you are going to get comments from people reminding you of your Marriage Vows: In sickness & in health and yada yada. So before that happens, I'd like to remind you that we all make mistakes because we are Human. That's why the divorce rates are where they're at these days: due to making mistakes.

It sounds like your husband was in need of a caregiver instead of a wife when you got married. Which is understandable. And it sounds like you were in a vulnerable & confused state of mind when you said I Do. Which is understandable.

I can relate. Because I married my first husband more out of a need to escape my mother's home than anything else. I loved him, yes, but I knew he wasn't really the right choice for a mate. I knew that he needed a nurse more so than a wife, because he had mental illness issues that only worsened throughout our 22 year marriage. We had 2 kids together, but things continued to go downhill and the last 10 years of the marriage were in name only. Things were bad. So I finally filed for divorce and moved on with my life. He continued to decline afterward. But I made the RIGHT decision back in 2002.

I don't think it's a wise decision for you to 'grin and bear it' in a loveless, sexless, no intimacy marriage where you are nothing more than a caregiver to your husband. You can try marriage counseling so you're able to say you tried everything before you filed for divorce; to know that you gave it all you had. But unless your husband is able to rehab and become whole again, YOU are going to continue in the role of his caregiver for life, and you will have to resign yourself to that role and be okay with it, in order to stay married. Only YOU can answer the question if that's 'enough' for you.

What bothers me most about your post is the 'no intimacy' part. Sex is one thing, intimacy is another. If he's unable to perform sexually, that's understandable. The unwillingness to touch you or cuddle with you, the intimacy, what's the reason he's not interested in THAT? THAT is closeness; what makes people bond and feel connected. Without sex AND without intimacy, all that's left is a business arrangement, which is not what you signed up for.

We all deserve a full life, regardless of 'marriage vows' or mistakes or anything. Your DH can hire caregivers to come in daily to help him with whatever he needs help with physically; that's what healthcare agencies do. It's not what a wife is supposed to do as her ONLY function.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult decision

I give.
I always want to help my wife.
I cook, clean ( everything ), inside and outside of the home.
I work hard,,, and I provide .
I want her to have a better life.
I try to make everything better.

For the last several years,,,, it has been joint replacements (4)
and melanomas (7).... and several other major medical issues.

She can't play Tennis,,, anymore,,,, and that was a major joy for her ( for decades ). That was her passion.

She has OCD and is abusive.
She is mean and nasty all day long.
This has continued to increase,,,,,, that part.....
,,,,,
and
I continue to give/help/do
,,, with the hope she will improve.
as her fear of mental decline has increased.

I care more about her,,,, than she does for me.

She rarely even touches me.
I rub cream on her feet , legs, knees every night for over an hour.
I am touchy feely,,, she is not.
She has sleep issues,,, which I thought I could fix ( by loving her,,,,,) Ha Ha .
We sleep in separate beds.

Anyway,,, I hate how she treats me,,,
I hate ( even more ) that I continue to stay and give.
I am so empty. Drained. Depressed.

I thought ,,, marriage would be passionate,,,
I thought I would be appreciated for what I do for her.
No
sex,,,
no intimacy .
I never got the intimacy that I thought marriage would be.
2 1/2 years without.... any love....


I feel obligated .
I need to be responsible....
a
good husband.

I try to treat others,,, like I would want to be treated ,,
if I was in their position.

Lately it seems like " crash and burn "
I feel it is wrong for me to bail out of this marriage.
and
I also feel that I have bailed out on myself.

maybe ,,,, I just wish,,,,
I was a person,,,
that just loved myself.

Sacrifice ?
Guilt ?
Acceptance ?
Shame ?

This is the first time I have ever responded to any social media thing.
I read what you wrote.
I understood the " commitment to love "
I wanted to respond,,,," run for your life !! "
Maybe I ( just needed ) wanted to say that to myself ?

Am I strong ,,,, and I stay ?
Am I weak ,,, and I stay ?
Why do I stay ?
Not worthy enough to take care of myself ?

I read this in a meditation book years ago,,,


" Like a leaf in a stream,,
It is too silly,,,
to get too attached....
to any particular
part of the journey "

Am I afraid to change ?
or is it
that I love my wife,
who has
mental and physical issues,,,
and I
just love her to the very end,,,
through her fears and struggles.

Well ,,, maybe sharing the " words "
is what helps
to re-leave the pressure built up inside me.
And,,, reading the " words " / pain
from others helps me realize that I am not alone.


Well ,,,
here
I sit ,,,
in the exact same shit.
I guess ,,
that's it.
A real
Crazy Pit.
There has to be a way,,,
to
climb out,,,?
of it !!!

sorry if anything I wrote was hurtful in any way.

I echo what cwillie has suggested.
But add in OT as well as PT.
If he refuses the OT and or PT you need to have a serious discussion with him.
The idea of therapy for both of you is a sound one.
I would suggest separate sessions as well as joint ones.
I realize this might be 20/20 hindsight but this is one reason that major decisions should not be made for at least 1 year after a major event in your life. Major event would be a divorce, death of a spouse to name just 2. And you had both.

My suggestion is PT/rehab for him (in a facility if possible), marriage counselling for both of you, and then some counselling just for you to help you heal from your past and identify your future goals.

It sounds as though this marriage isn't working for you, and as though you have made a mistake. There is no shame in admitting that. The fact that your husband is disabled is making you feel "guilt" instead of the correct G word which is grief. I suggest you begin now to see a GOOD therapist, and working out what you want for your life. Be as honest as you are able to be. It sounds as though you are functioning from pity, not love and admiration and a quality life that makes for a strong marriage. Had you been married to this man for decades with a rich and loving history behind you I would be advising you differently, but to be frank there were warning signs flashing long before the marriage and because of all you have been you weren't able to read them. I am so sorry.

I don't think it CAN work unless both parties are fully on-board with it. My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and underwent radiation therapy which rendered him impotent 21 years ago. Even though the doctor explained that impotency "may" occur, I don't think either of us thought it could/would happen to us or, maybe more importantly, realized the toll it would take on our marriage. My husband refused intimacy because he thought I would expect more beyond that (like I wasn't aware of the situation!) I can't honestly say why I stuck it out (although my husband did lay a guilt trip on me because I put so much emphasis on sex) but in hindsight, I wish we had parted ways at least 15 years ago. I was 48 at the time our relations ceased, about the same age as you...far too young for a life of celibacy. My resentments have grown and now that I'm taking care of him, I'm even more resentful. We bicker and argue almost constantly and I know neither of us enjoys the life we are currently living. BUT he's 86 and I'm 68 so for all intents and purposes "till death do us part."

(Bear in mind the marriage vows were written by a man in the 1500's)

You said it yourself that you're not in love with him, so what the heck are you still doing there. It's not fair to him to have a wife that doesn't love him, but only stays out of supposed obligation, nor is it fair to you to live your life with a man you don't love and never did.
It's a sad situation all the way around for sure. You made a rash decision by marrying a man you didn't love, and now you're living with the consequences of that bad decision. You need to do right by him and let him know how you're feeling, and get the ball rolling for a divorce. He deserves better as do you.

Now to answer your question about if you can make a sexless marriage work, because of a spouse being disabled, the answer is yes you can, but there has to be love there from both sides. When you truly love the person you married, you do take your vows seriously, and will do whatever it takes to make things work. But because you say you don't love him, and never did, I can tell you honestly that you will never make it work, so it's best to cut your losses now, because again your husband deserves so much better as do you.

I applaud you for your honesty Tracy. Yours is a difficult situation but by no means unusual. Previous posts have asked about lack of sex and intimacy. I think counseling would help. If you have a church, consider making an an appt with your pastor, you may be surprised at his/her advice. Some actually can realize your plight. It's not always “till death do you part”. Advice is just that, you can take it or leave it. A book called Hope for the Caregiver by Peter Rosenberger tells the true story of a husband who cares for his quadriplegic wife. It may not be what your looking for but it may give you some insight. Whatever your decision, I wish you well.

My DH hasn't touched me in any 'intimate way' for 8 years. He won't talk about it and when I have tried to bring it up, he pulls a pillow over his head.

8 years ago he had a major morotcycle wreck which caused a serious head trauma. 3 years ago, he had 2 heart attacks. Both times the drs warned me that impotence could result from either/both accidents.

I finally quit caring. He cannot take ED drugs b/c of his heart.

I know he loves me, just sex was never important to him and so this shouldn't come as a great surprise to me.

We have things we enjoy doing together--and frankly, I sleep a ton better in my own room, as does he.

It’s okay to change your mind. Let it be an opportunity to show your children that sometimes we have to make difficult decisions to change our lives for the better. Start setting aside resources for yourself and work towards what you really want. And, I agree with everyone else- counseling.