My 87-year-old father-in-law is being exploited by a 46-year-old caregiver. What can we do?

This is a horrible situation. My husband's father had the same thing happen to him. His 'caregiver' had done this before and was working with others in remote areas of North Carolina. It did not end well. You need an attorney in that state to help you. A good one. Don't hesitate - act now. The goal is the estate... if the will is changed to her receiving everything, her next actions could be harmful to your FIL.

I had a similar situation with my father at the age of 89 and his then girlfriend who was 60. She was not his caregiver because he was fine until he suddenly had a stroke and wasn't. There was a lot of
'brainwashing' going on there and trying to turn my father against us. She was also a black-out alcoholic who had pretty much made a profession out of manipulating her enablers. I suspected abuse too and my father was from a generation where no man would ever admit a woman was abusing him.
See, your father is the goose that lays the golden eggs for this woman. My father was too.
May I ask who has your father's POA?
If you have it legally for now that can shut down her thieving from the bank accounts and running up the credit cards.
The person with POA can also file for conservatorship/guardianship over your father. If you go down to the probate court to file for it there will be a hearing. That is where you explain to the judge what's going on. Your father will also have to appear at that hearing and answer questions as well.
I'm pretty sure when the judge sees your 87 year old father with his "girlfriend" who is my age and also his caregiver, they can guess what's going on. I don't think it will be hard for you to get conservatorship/guardianship over him.
I didn't have to do this because my father went to a nursing home. I put her on the street though, and was glad to do it.
Visit the probate court and talk to them. They will help you.

So, do you want to be an a-hole? Call the DOL and IRS, turn father in for avoiding payroll taxes and if she gets DHS, turn her in for failing to report income, most of these types do.

OMG 😱 Who hired this crook? Private or from agency? Did she ever have background check? She needs to be FIRED ASAP & be ARRESTED!!!!! You need proof of all the $$$ stolen & go to banks with the information. Get control of accounts & get POA from lawyer…Also change locks on house! I can’t believe this went on as long as it did. Good luck & HUGS 🤗

The police don't do restraining orders, that has to be done through the court system. With appropriate "proof" or sufficient words, one can get a temporary order, which will be issued to the person/people it is against, but it is only good for a limited time. To make it permanent, there has to be a hearing and both parties would have their say. Has this gone through the court system? If not, there are no restraining orders. She may have told them they exist, but unless they received something from the court, there isn't any order.

Too often APS is useless. Would it be possible to request a wellness check through the police, but you accompany them? You indicated you live out of state, so if husband is really concerned, he should go there, go to the police and request an escort/wellness check.

As far as medical records, if you pursue guardianship, the courts will order testing by other doctors. They wouldn't need his records.

You say she was hired through SIL, a "friend." Is SIL aware of what's going on? Has she said anything? Has your husband talked with her at all about it?

While an investigator might be able to find the scoop on this woman, it will take time. The lawyer you use should not just be any lawyer, they should have experience with elder abuse, aging, etc. A good one would know how to at least get him out from under her, perhaps a temporary hold in a facility that would test his cognitive abilities. While many issues take time to get through the courts, a good atty would know how to get emergency orders in place. If what you have described is really going on, it would be worth paying the cost to get to the bottom of it. His assets, if there is anything left, can reimburse the legal costs, if they find in your favor.

I should think if she has bled his assets dry, she would move on to the next target, so maybe. At the very least, if there is enough proof, you could get her off the streets so she can never do this to another person.

I see that the OP hasn't been back since her posting and comments of May 3, 2021.    I wonder if she will???

There are pictures of him with black eyes? Did she send them to you? If not, who took them? If you have these pictures, then take them to the police
Have you seen proof of this restraining order? A caregiver cannot file for restraining orders for the person they look after,, the family would be contacted. It also takes a long time to get a restraining order and there have to be strong valid (and proven) reasons. And she can't just keep getting a restraining order, they are not easy to get. What could some 80-year-olds be accused of?
The APS has to go and investigate if called, they can't just call and ask. All of this seems very odd.
If this woman is doing all of these things, then you fight back harder. If someone was beating my parents then the fury would be unleashed..unleash your fury and fight dirty!!

CM, I think there IS a lot more to the story.

I find it hard to believe that the police and/or courts would take proceedings to place a restraining order on two people in their eighties trying to visit an old friend - unless there were a heck of a lot more to the story than that.

I smell a serial predator.    Seems as if she's covered all the bases, sequestering and isolating him.    People don't learn these kinds of tactics overnight.    There have been other threads posted here about these serial predators; one even cultivated her "marks" at a senior center.

I'd find a good investigator who specializes in elder abuse (if there are such folks) and do some background investigation, such as exploring her prior clients.   What the investigator should be looking for are past events and other co-opted clients, criminal records, including in other states, and if the investigator knows how to do this (I don't), access to her financial records to document the financial abuses.

BTW, how did your FIL find her, or did she approach him?  This could shed some light on her approach, and could be clues to past behavior.

If an investigator can produce this information, it could be used to get a TRO (temporary restraining order) and/or permanent injunction to remove her from his premises.  

"Two of my father-in-laws best friends, also in their 80's, tried to visit him and the supposed fiancée called the police and had a restraining order placed on them; she has said that she will do the same to any family member who tries to see him."   I'm finding this a bit hard to believe, i.e., that the police would initiate a restraining order against 2 friends, and for what reason?   Is this a TRO or a permanent restraining order?   

Another aspect that troubles me is that she has"called the police telling them lies, saying we want to harm him and take his money."    I would think the police would want some proof and wouldn't just take her word w/o investigating.  Did they provide any rationale for their actions, or inactions? 

I would also press APS to do its job.    The nominal "investigation" you cited is worthless.   Find out who the top exec is, and contact that person.  Also, if the state in which he lives has a elder law agency, or elder law advisor, contact those departments.

You need an attorney. $300K out of an account since 'friend' has been there speaks loudly what this arrangement is all about. If Medicaid doesn't have something to show he is not competent, when all the money is gone - all those gifts will be penalty months against him. She'll be long gone at that point.

Surely there will be a special place in the afterlife for those who abuse elderly.

How sickening! If there is karma, she will get hers. She is evil!

I am so very sorry that this is happening. I hope your attorney will be able to free your loved one from this evil person.

Sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Glad that you have hired an attorney. If they are any good, I hope they will push hard to get this situation under control. Your poor dad! She is a real piece of work. Greedy little monster! Elder abuse, big time.

I would keep in close contact with the attorney and ask what you can do to help move this along as quickly as possible. Any length of time for this to be going on is too long. Be prepared. I am imagining that when "she" starts to feel the heat, she might run, leaving your dad high and dry. Is he OK by himself? If not, you or someone will need to be there to pick up the pieces and get him evaluated and figure out what's really going on.

Elder care is hard enough without crap like this happening. Keep us posted.

Signs and symptoms of elder abuse can include:

Injuries such as bruises, cuts, or broken bones
Malnourishment or weight loss
Poor hygiene
Symptoms of anxiety, depression, or confusion
Unexplained transactions or loss of money
Withdrawal from family members or friends

Time to see a lawyer about guardianship which will only work if your father is demented and you have MD proof of same. If he is not demented then there is honestly little you can do about his intention to give all his money to this "caregiver". If you do win guardianship that can be reimbursed by the FIL estate. If you lose the cost is yours, and courts are VERY loathe to take an elder's rights from him.