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Caregiver226 Asked May 2021

Grandparent caregiving. Exhausted, depressed, and feeling alone. Advice?

I am sole caregiver to my 88 year old grandmother, and I am so burned out. Both of my parents passed away and I am an only child. Both of my grandma's children have passed, and I have been left with the full responsibility of her care. She has two other grandchildren (my cousins), but they do very little in the way of helping her. I cannot fault them completely for this, as she is resistant to their help, along with the only other option which is their mom (my aunt). I have had to leave work numerous times to come to her aid, take her to the hospital (for things that are not true emergencies), miss out on social experiences, holidays, etc. Only recently has she admitted to anxiety and depression. Every time there is a holiday, she has panic attacks and I have spent more time in the hospital with her on the holidays than I can count. I dread looking at the calendar. I am afraid to make plans with anyone. To go on vacation. To even have any intimate life with my husband, in fear of it being interrupted. If she calls or texts (which is multiple times daily) and I don't respond within a minute or two, she panics and questions why I didn't answer. She makes me feel guilty with statements such as, "I don't want to ruin your life...". She questions why my husband and I don't have children. I can't bring myself to tell her that she is one of the biggest reasons...I already feel like I am taking care of one. I feel like this sole responsibility was given to me and my own needs left at the curb. I have tried encouraging her on numerous times to talk to a therapist, to try an antidepressant. I just get yelled at by her for even suggesting it. She claims that she doesn't need a therapist because she can vent to me. I have been in therapy around 8 months now and her negativity throws me off my own personal growth. I have told her I am just one person, a human being, trying to do the best I can. I have many sleepless nights, fearful that the phone will ring. There was a period of time a few months ago when she called me a couple times throughout the middle of the night, almost on a daily basis, because she was having panic attacks. I became so burned out and exhausted that I was sleep deprived, not eating, and beginning to have suicidal thoughts. I am so deeply afraid of ever getting back to that mental state again. I just want my life back. I have dealt with her emotional abuse and guilt trips for as long as I can remember. And yet, she only turns to me. Finds reasons to be angry at my aunt and her other 2 grandchildren and says she doesn't want to see them. That only leaves me. My husband helps when he can, but I don't want to place this burden on him. I know one day he will have to face this difficult task with his own parents. My grandma always says to me, "These are the best years of your life, they were for me.". These are FAR from my best years. I am hopeful to live, find joy, and peace in my forties. For now, I feel isolated, stuck, guilty and exhausted. Anyone else able to relate? I love her, but have just...lost myself...in all of this. I dread calling her because all it is is listening to her complain and list every ailment and assume even the simplest of them warrants a hospital visit. It has unfortunately and heartbreakingly become a relationship, once as grandparent and grandchild, to patient and caregiver. I just want the freedom to wake up, feel confident in my day and not that my plans, hopes, dreams, etc. will be pushed aside at a moment's notice. When I have had to set boundaries or decline cancelling a plan, she asks what the plan is and says things like, "Well, that's not important." I am sick of her deciding what should hold value to me. I want to spend more time with my spouse, advance in my career, maybe get pregnant before too old to do so, but I just feel so trapped. Thanks for listening...if you have any kind wisdom or relating to share, I would appreciate it.

NeedHelpWithMom May 2021
I can see that you have a very kind heart. I commend you for that. I do agree with the previous poster who said that you need to start setting boundaries.

You deserve a life of your own. So does your spouse. You have sacrificed an enormous amount of energy and time for your grandmother. Yes, it is rewarding to help others but when it becomes out of balance it becomes a burden.

It is time to remove this burden from your life. Start looking forward to taking care of your own needs.

Call Council on Aging to have her needs assessed. Call a social worker to help you with planning for her care.

Wishing you peace and joy.

funkygrandma59 May 2021
I have to start first by saying that your grandmother IS NOT your responsibility. Just because you are the only grandchild that has stepped up, doesn't mean that you are her only option. She needs to be in an assisted living facility, with other folks her age, and you need to be living and enjoying your life. You're probably going to have to put your big girl panties on and let her know that you can no longer continue doing what you're doing for her. And if money is an issue, she will have to apply for Medicaid. You deserve SO....much better. And please don't feel guilty that you must step back from grandmas care. Your mental and physical health is important too.
It concerns me as well that you mentioned that you've had suicidal thoughts. Please seek help by calling the Suicide Hotline at (800)273-8255.

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againx100 May 2021
You are very kind for helping grandma so much. But things have to change. NOW. Start today. Read up on BOUNDARIES and start setting them ASAP. Do not let her bully you or guilt you anymore. You are worthy of having time for yourself, time with hubby and to start your family. Do not put things like this as you will most certainly resent it.

You are NOT responsible for her. Everything you do for her is a choice. Grandma is not going to like any of this. But that is too bad. You do not like the way things are, right? And she won't like the new ways that are coming here way but she will have to adjust because she is not in charge of your life.

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