Stepdaughter and husband have been estranged for 20 years, after we loaned her money for college that she said she would repay. Thoughts?

I think it boils down to what decision can you best live with? If you refuse to let her see your husband (which is within your rights), is it a decision that, down the road, you will be content with? Or is it a decision you will regret in "x" number of years?

What about your relationship with your other children/stepchildren? Will your refusal to let her see your husband poison your relationships with them? And if so, can you live with that?

Everyone has their own personal "unforgiveable" thresholds. For some, money is a big one - and while, on the surface it might seem petty, for many, many people money is a commodity in short supply, and any loss of it is something that invades every other aspect of our lives.

If it were me, I might relent and consider allowing her to see her dad...but I'm not you, and I would not judge you harshly if you decided that she has caused your husband enough heartache, and you're not willing to chance any more. Just be sure that the decision is one you won't regret in time.

Good luck.

It can be very misleading to assume that 'many of us can read between the lines’ of someone else’s life story, with one’s own experiences first and foremost in mind. There are just as many stories of bitter ex-wives who deliberately sabotage any attempt for ex-husband and new partner to form a bond with a child, as there are of bad fathers who prioritise ‘the whore’ over the family. There are just as many families with a strong and successful tradition of intra-family loans which are gratefully repaid, as there are of families who would never dream of risking it.

It’s not usually helpful on the site to suggest nasty behavior. It can sound ‘preachy and judgemental’, even if in your own opinion it’s done in ‘a nonjudgmental way and an open heart and mind’.

I guarantee that there is more to this story than is told here. Not that the OP has to share. She is certainly entitled to her privacy.

My husband’s father put on a good front in his younger years. He had the face that he showed in public and then there was the face that was shown to the family privately. They were polar opposite of each other.

My MIL died and he was in the arms of another woman the night that she died. This woman did not crawl out of the woodwork. Obviously, she had been there waiting for my wonderful mother in law to die.

I would never be against someone remarrying. Second chances at love is a beautiful thing but that doesn’t mean that fathers get to push a new partner on the family immediately afterwards, as in our case, we were grieving and my mother in law hadn’t even been placed in the mausoleum yet!

Plus, as soon as he made the new woman public to us and the world, she took over. She ruled the roost completely! She had him under her spell, for sure. He took on her family as his own. The woman never married him even though he asked her to. She was only interested in spending his money. She saw his family as a threat to ending her travels, new clothes, jewelry and so on. We didn’t care about his money. We were sad to be losing a father and grandpa. My husband told him that he could flush the money down the toilet if he desired and explained that we were only interested in a relationship with him. His dad blew his chances of continuing a relationship with our family. He chose to be controlled by this woman.

Hey, but if a man wants to throw away his family for a woman, so be it. His choice, his business. After the woman died, he cried to my husband to go see him in an assisted living facility. My husband couldn’t because of COVID. How sad for each of them, right?

He wasn’t interested in being a ‘dad’ or ‘grandpa’ which really hurt the family. So, how did he deal with his guilt of abandoning the family? He lied and said that we wouldn’t accept the woman. Geeeeeez, she was a total stranger to us. We didn’t even know her. Had he introduced her at an appropriate time, we would have been happy to welcome her to the family.

Life can become very complicated and confusing. My children asked me, “Why did grandpa forget about us?” Honesty, I didn’t even know what to tell them. They were so young. It was hard.

I am not accusing the OP of anything. I don’t know the whole story. None of us do. Somewhere down the line, hurtful things happened on both sides. I guarantee. Very often children and grandchildren pay for past hurts which is incredibly sad. Parents are sometimes hurt as well.

I know children aren’t perfect either but as far as money goes, let it go! A relationship is worth more than dollars and cents.

I hope for everyone’s sake it gets worked out. I would only say to look at things in a nonjudgmental way and an open heart and mind.

Sometimes things have a peaceful ending and other times it isn’t possible.

I am closer to step daughers age than most others here and I see this from a whole different perspective.

"She also left the boyfriend that caused the pregnancy before the baby was born. Went back to her mom and hometown. The other siblings talk to her occasionally. When she was little we had visitation, but she mostly didn't stay. She wanted to go home with her mom."

You do understand that statement sounds preachy and judgemental, right? Also, it also implies that she did not want to be around your, "blended family," even as a child.

I did the same kiss off letter at 16. My father was required to pay for my private school and activities. I placed high on placement tests so I was at university most of my days which he had to pay for. He could have made it right and spent time with my sis and I but made the choice to bring the whore and her kids along....one time was enough for me. If you ask him or his now ex, I owe them the world.

To me, it sounds like he chose you over his child and you did not understand the term "stepmom" is earned and not given freely. Maybe, you should step back and let them attempt to make amends even though there is dementia involved. I do not feel what you are doing is right and she owes YOU nothing but may get some peace. That would be how you earn the title.

There are three sides to a story and we have only heard one. As far as the money for college, he should have given it freely or not. I really don't understand 'loaning' it to her. They must have already had a fragile relationship if this broke it.

With that said I would be very suspicious that she wants to connect now. Too much time has passed. At this point do nothing. She hasn't contacted you directly and she needs to do that. Do not allow the kids to be the go-betweens. If she does contact you ask her why now? I don't buy the whole picture thing. If she wants a new picture of him send it. Putting her daughter and father in the same picture when they have never met seems strange. I agree with Beatty....if the visit happens but polite but not open-armed.

I suppose I'd let the money issue go now. (Too much water.. chalk it up to experience).

I suppose I would invite her for a short visit & do the requested photo. Maybe grandchild has asked about him? Maybe it's closure for her?

Be polite, but not open-armed.
Be reasonable, but stay wary.

Any questions to money, house or legacies etc would set off giant alarm bells & end the visit pronto.

Any hints that grandaughter needs school fees, same.

I'd be mighty suspicious of this. Who wants a picture of a child with a grandfather she'll never know taken by her mother who wouldn't even talk to him herself?

It makes no sense at all.

I'd tell her he's too ill to see her. If you want to be extra snarky, tell him that meeting strangers upsets him.

If she wants to come and see her father, she can contact you and show you she has changed or try to make amends. She will never repay the money but she could show regret for putting you both in that position, or even just regret for the situation. I would recommend you don't allow yourself to be emotionally triangulated through your son or the other daughter, as best you can. Are you open to hearing from her at all? You could tell that to your son and other siblings and leave the onus of contact on her, where it belongs. Hard to say if a visit from her would be for the best or make your husband upset, but she needs to give some indication that she has changed imo. People do change, especially as they mature.

This is your stepdaughter, correct. So DH was married before and the other daughter u mention are his by the other marriage? You just have the son together?

Did you put it in writing that she had to pay back the loan? Some children feel that parents are obligated to pay for their college educations. The courts will usually be on the side of a child of divorce. Do you remember the case where the girl took her parents to court because they would not pay for the more expensive college of her choice. In that instance the judge ruled against the girl. So, you probably will have to forgive that debt. For me, I don't owe my girls college educations. They are emacipated at 18. But I chose to put them through because I didn't want them in debt. It was also years ago before tuition shot up.

Anytime a child shows up after years of not being around and the parent has a serious illness, I question their motives. Does she think Dad has lots of money and she is entitled to some? I would not keep her away. And I may leave the room for them to visit but I would keep an eye or her. May even go as far as to bug the room. Just so I know what I am up against.

The therapist, he has only heard one side of the story. I can tell you that my one daughters memory of events tends to be alittle out there. Even her sister wonders where these memories come from. I mean you and Dad had to be so mean when u paid for her college, right?

There's always two or three sides to every story: your side, your step-daughter's side & the truth, which lies somewhere in between. Your DH's daughter has a right to see her father and there may be no 'ulterior motives' involved at all, you have no way of knowing. If a therapist recommended she go no contact with you and your DH, then there must have been a reason for it and for the good of her mental health, whether you are able to agree there is validity to that recommendation or not. I go low contact with my mother and if you ask her about it, I'm the bad guy, she's the world's best mother.

As far as 'lending' money is concerned, I've never gotten a penny back that I've 'loaned' someone. Ever. That's just the way it works.

If I were you, I'd arrange to have your step daughter see her father and then stay out of the picture entirely while they visit.

None of us here on this forum can be therapists or psychologists and tell you the why's and wherefores of your step daughter's intent in seeing her father, or what, if anything, she is after. All we can do is offer you our opinion on what we think may be your best options here. Wishing you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

This is probably off the point, but a few questions about how ‘she wrote to say how horrible we were and how her therapist told her not to have anything to do with us’. Did the therapist say to give them one last kick before the end, or could she just not resist it? Were you horrible in any other ways that made any sense, besides wanting your money back? Nothing you could have done to resolve problems?

At this point, why a photo of your husband and granddaughter together? One option would be to send a photo of your husband, offer to show him a photo of granddaughter. Or drop the granddaughter off at the gate – no reason for daughter to come in if that photo is what she wants. If she actually wants to see her father again herself and can’t even admit it, perhaps forget it!

I would agree with Alva on the visit, unless you think it would upset your father (which it might), but I think I would be there.   Her sudden reappearance and desire for the photo op raises suspicions in my opinion.    There have been enough posts here to raise suspicions about absent family members trying to resurrect relations before someone passes, and sometimes tricking elders into signing documents that either aren't legal b/c of their mental state, or are sneaky and benefit the absent family member.

Given the nastiness of the absentee stepdaughter, and although I wouldn't recommend this to anyone, I would be quite brash and put her on the spot, asking that after (a) not making an effort to repay the loan (b) being absent for so long, and (c) discussing the situation with a therapist,, why she it strikes me suddenly wants to reconnect.

A relative who I later learned was a lot nastier and unstable than I realized pulled something like that.   I discussed with the staff the potential of her attempting something nefarious with my father, and they responded that all  I had to do was raise the issue if she started misbehaving when she visited (she invited herself; I  didn't know until that day that she planned to tag along with my brother), they would intervene and have security remove her.

I also alerted Dad's church friends, so they also came up to visit, providing support for Dad and me, and ensuring that she didn't pull any shenanigans.  (She did push me out of the way and attempt to use the dysphagia sponges as Dad was still on a ventilator and needed the little moisture the sponges provided.)

I am so sorry that you have had this heartache. I don’t know what the answer is in these complicated situations. All I can offer is support and compassion. I hope things work out best for all of you. Wishing you peace during this difficult time.

Who if anyone benefits in any action in this situation moving forward?

I’d let her make the next move, if any.

How do your son and daughter feel about their (step?) sister? Do they know the background on the estrangement?

I think your instincts about keeping your husband comfortable and peaceful are good, but whatever happens, will you have confidence in your ability to be objective and matter-of-fact about interacting with your stepdaughter?

Hoping everything works out for the best for all of you.

I would not stop her seeing her father. I would not be there when she does. I would leave it to her. If your husband, her father, is upset by the visit, it is exceptionally unlikely that he will remember it very much afterward. That is the ONLY contact I would have with her, is to OK this visit. It seems odd to me that she is suddenly swooping in all concerned and caring for a picture with a child she forbade seeing a grandfather, and the grandfather himself. To me it seems that she may recognize the end of life is near, and she may be trying to insure some inheritance for self or said grandchild. Otherwise, WHY in the world. Sounds to me like she needs another therapist to help her sort out what her actions have brought her in results. The non payment of the loan is one thing. I say NEVER loan money to your kids that you expect to receive back; it is bad business and bad family relations. But the other thing, the whole therapist story, and the refusal to see anyone, that was her decision. Decisions have consequences. I am fine with whatever your decision is at this point, in all truth.