I am an only child and my mom (90) lives down the street from me in assisted living. I work full time, married and have a family. Advice?

You need to make her best option being what AL offers. At present her best option is your cooking, your home, your company and you to hear her complaints. No wonder she doesn’t want to change!

Thanks for your help and suggestions. I am going to rethink her care plan as we ease out of COVID restrictions and see about working in the scrabble game and a companion to walk her down for her meals. Some days are better than others, but I try to take it one day at a time and it isn’t easy. Not having any siblings stinks.

Janine, discounting everything people have offered here, won't get you anywhere. You need to make your life and family your priority. You matter too. You need to be willing to help yourself. This has been going on for six years?!

Hello,
I hear your frustration- my mom lived with us ( apartment second floor ) 25 yrs then lived in our home when we moved to a single family home about 4 yrs until she went to a nursing home. While there I had one caregiver and very soon I picked up a second - I couldn’t have done it without them. During the time my husband was neglected... now I’m his caregiver as he has dementia.

A big part of living in AL is that the resident agrees to LIVE in AL, not at the children's house where the child cooks and provides the entertainment. Otherwise, the resident is wasting a good deal of $$$$ 'living' in AL and eating at the children's house and getting entertained there. I understand your mother doesn't like the food at her AL. It's the LAW that the residents MUST hate the food in AL; they all do. They complain about it constantly. I bring my mother who lives in Memory Care AL lots of snacks; that's how I deal with the 'food' issue. And every Sunday I ask her if she'd like me to bring her a meal from a restaurant or a home cooked meal from my house. She weighs nearly 200 lbs so I assume she's eating SOMETHING, even though she claims to 'eat like a bird' and 'pick' at her food and 'omg they only serve HALF a sandwich' and on and on.

It's not your job to be your mother's entertainment committee, either. I suggest you stop doing all you're doing and allow your mother to settle into her AL and make friends, etc. Either that, or move her to another AL that has more activities and 'better food', ha, as if such a thing exists. Or do what I do, and offer her a meal once a week, or one day a week where you bring her home & cook for her, take her for a mani/pedi, whatever. That way, you have a life and she has the life she chooses. Not that she pretends to live in AL and you do all the work.

Good luck!!

I will assume that the AL is a fairly new thing. By caving into Mom you have not allowed her to adjust. She needs to rely on the staff. That is what she is paying for. I would explain that now she has been there a while, you feel she needs to make the effort to eat and Socialize with the residents. Tell her now your back to work, you just can't go on the way you are. You need the time when you come home to wind down. She needs to make an effort. Maybe have her over on Friday night. Make your outings when u feel like it.

Does she have a kitchenette? Maybe stock it with things she will eat. Is she capable of pouring herself a bowl of cereal? Putting a piece of toast in the toaster. One AL we looked at for Mom had food choices. At lunch, always a sandwich they could take back to their room.

Them driving Mom to appts. This is usually an added expense if the AL does it and I would think you'd want to talk to Moms Drs.

Needs her hair done, there is usually a stylist at the AL. My GF will do hair for long standing clients at an AL or SNF. Doctor visits, does Mom really need to go as often as she does? Once my Mom was stable in her numbers and medications I requested less visits. If a problem arose, then I would make an appt.

Taking her for a drive and for icecream could be a Sunday thing. Scrabble, there must be a resident that enjoys it. After 8 hours of work, the last thing I would want to is play a game I had to think.
Maybe you can eat at the AL one night a week. They do charge for this.

You cannot do anything about the situation Mom is in. She did nothing to cause her Parkinsons. At 90 it is very hard to adjust but she needs to. She needs to make that effort. You cannot be her everything.

Are any of the aids "companions"? Six years ago I hired a companion from an agency for my 2 very elderly aunts in FL. She takes them out to run errands, plays cards and games with them, chit chats with them, does light housework and helps with meal prep. She is a lovely person and like a part of the family. Just saying it is possible to find a good person, it just may take going through a few first. My aunts were very resistant to the idea initially and it took a while for them to understand there were no other options at that time. They love their companion. Even if your mom just "likes" someone, it will be enough.

I'm an only child too. My own mother is 92 and lives next door to me. She has always had some personality "issues" where she always relied on family to be her friends, including me. I am aware she is always trying to rely on me as her sole source of entertainment and have worked hard to not feel guilty about doing things without her. Most nights she eats dinner with us but for my husband's sake I make sure it is not every night. My mom never thought it important enough to deal with her issues. That is her choice and not my problem. As the other posters have rightly pointed out: your own life and family come first. You need to back off so that you don't completely burn out. Then who would help your mom? Put on your own oxygen mask first. Self-care is critical in your situation.

Why is she paying for assisted living when you are doing have of what they are supposed to be there for. They can take her to routine doctor appointments. She does not need to be at your home every night for dinner. How do you manage that? Stop being her sole source of entertainment....that is the reason why she won't participate in activities....you are her activities. You are enabling her. Back off some. Dinner in your home once a week is more than enough.

Sounds like your Mother's Assisted Living is in your home, with you providing the meals, entertainment & company (basically all the assistance). She just sleeps in the other place.

No wonder you are burning out! You are trying to live your life as a Wife, Mother & employee plus live your Mother's life alongside her.

It happens. Especially if you were or are very close. I agree that to carve out more life for you & your own family you will need to step back a bit from Mother's. Hopefully she can engage better into her own life. Maybe start a change by bringing her home to your home for weekends only. Keep your visit weekdays - but at the AL - to help get her into a new evening routine there. Next, cut down weekday visits to say, only Wednesdays.

You may be surprised in a few months what activities or friendships she enjoys.

I would continue to go and see her every day, presuming that her ALF is on your route home from work, but you can definitely do something about the packed evening schedule. When do you sleep???

For a start: breakfast, lunch and activities are available to her and supported by competent (if inconsistent) trained staff. Take them OFF your list of worries. They are there, if she chooses not to access them or make full use of them that's fine. No harm will come to her.

As an exercise, when you next visit her look at the activities programme and see what's on next day. If it's anything that a reasonable, ordinary person could endure if not necessarily enjoy, strongly recommend that she get with it because you have a crucial engagement (PTA, bridge night, washing your hair, kitchen refurbishment, whatever) so you won't be taking her out tomorrow. Maybe arrange to eat the early evening meal with her. The key point is, do it *there* and leave her behind.

That's step one. The aim is a gradual change over from her spending every single evening with you to spending most evenings at the ALF and increasing her engagement with its community. Surely there are other residents who like a game of Scrabble too?

Boundaries. Do not pick mom up every day. If she is hungry she will eat. You are enabling mom and she is manipulating you. Making you feel guilty? You have nothing to be guilty about. You have found care for mom. Eventually she will decide to participate more. Meals are a great time for socialization and mom will begin to make some friends, then more interested in activities.

You are doing too much, no wonder you are burnt out. Your own family needs to be your priority.