Why are there so many toxic/emotional immature mom's out there? I know why my mom is they way she is, was was abused and it changed her.

I have a male cousin. Our mothers were sister's and close. I loved my Aunt but a good parent she did not make. My Aunt and his father were divorced. My cousin was physically abused by his Dad and my Aunt didn't like him because he was like his Dad. At 65 he still harps on his abusive childhood and he has had help. He was an alcoholic and has been recovered for years. The last time I talked to him he talked about living in a car when my Aunt left his Dad. I told him Mom and Dad must not have known that because they would have taken them in. He has ignored my calls since.
His life is so different now. He lives with a nice lady. His kids make sure they see or talk to him, even stepkids where he and their mother divorced. Both his parents are gone, they would have been over 100. He really has turned his life around.

I was a kid when all this was going on with his parents. So nothing I could have done. My growing up years were opposite his. He loved my Mom. She has been gone 3 years he started backing away about then. I can't fix what happen to him. I can't give him better parents.

I think you're already doing better than your mother, since you've been able to set boundaries and assert yourself! Your mother does not think she has issues, in her world she's just fine and everyone else is wrong. You've recognized the problems and know you don't want to make the same mistakes.

As for toxicity: My maternal grandmother (born 1920) was similar. She wasn't entirely toxic, but could be cold and unloving. I loved her but didn't like being at her house much because she was either griping, fussing, stewing in anger, or was fretful, crying, nervous or afraid. It was exhausting to be around her sometimes. She wouldn't even consider medication or any help to get her emotions under control. That was just for "crazy people".

As to immaturity: My mother was raised to be dependent. She's never lived alone a day in her life. Doesn't think for herself; believes most everything she sees on TV and what people tell her. No intellectual curiosity, no desire to learn new things. I think it got ingrained in her early on that she wasn't smart enough to be on her own (which is not true, I think she has a learning disability). Dad does everything for her and I know it's going to be catastrophic if he dies first.

I have depression and anxiety myself, pretty sure much of it is genetic. I thank God (and science!) I have a med routine that keeps me on a mostly even keel. We have so much more resources for us than previous generations!

You have empathy. That is a wonderful quality. Unfortunately, some people do not respond to our empathy. Sometimes, they are too broken. They don’t know what they don’t know, or they could be in denial. They have either refused therapy because they are fearful of it or they don’t believe it will help.

Abuse does effect others. Everyone reacts to trauma in different ways. Some repeat the cycle because hurting people often hurt others. It’s all they have ever known. It’s their frame of reference for how life works. Others are fortunate, and know intuitively from the get go, that they never wish to repeat damaging behavior.

Many people make positive changes in their lives with the help of others who were able to break through their pain or perhaps they were so desperate they reached out to receive help in therapy.

You have tried over and over to help. We can’t force people to accept help, even when it is in their best interests and offered in love. Take solace that you truly tried. Of course, you are sad about the situation. Who wouldn’t be? You obviously care, or you wouldn’t have posted on this site. In time, it will become easier to accept that she is who she is and you are who you are. You deserve peace and joy in your life.

All I can say is, it is out of your control and often times, the more we push for something, the worse it gets. For everyone’s sake, let it go, give it a rest, knowing that you did all that you possibly could have. I am glad that you care about your needs.

It doesn’t always have to be the children, spouse or those closest to the person to help them. In fact, sometimes it’s better if it is an objective person that reaches them. You have caught the brunt of dealing with her pain. She most likely feels safe with you. An outsider will never catch as much as you have.

Free yourself from the responsibility of ‘fixing’ her and find peace in your life. Maybe, just maybe, somewhere down the line, she will find that peace too. I hope that she does for all of your sakes.

Wishing you peace in your life as you navigate your way through this challenging situation.

Take care.

No, you won't become like her because you recognize it AND are getting help to better yourself. I had an aunt who got married to my uncle at age 14 because she was pregnant. She never finished school or worked outside the home. She was very immature up until she died and I think she had "arrested development", meaning she stopped maturing at the point where her "trauma" happened (not that being pregnant is trauma). Somehow she never figured out that her behavior wasn't healthy, even though relationships all around her were sour and she was the common denominator. Your mom might have had her trauma when quite young and also had arrested development, possibly explaining her very immature behavior. But all one can do is make loving and polite suggestions to their LO to get help and then put up healthy boundaries for yourself. You can do no more than that. Fretting and feeling guilty is unhealthy and unproductive -- it won't bring about a change, so why allow it? We can't choose our families but we can choose how much we engage with them. May you go on to a life of peace and happiness.

Math, I think that the folks who are your mom's age (70-100?) are women who grew up in a world where:

1. Women had no power
2. Women were often denied an education
3. Women were expected to marry and have children and were labelled as abnormal if they didn't
4. Women had no choices about what kind of lives they led.
5. Women had no access to birth control.

These folks look at their own daughters and are in some cases grateful that their daughters had/have better choices.

Or, the become/became embittered that they didn't have the opportunities their offspring have/had.

Sometimes there is unacknowledged mental illness in the mix for which there was little to no help. Dysfunctional patterns of behavior got perpetuated.

I think there is little chance of you turning to your mom's maladaptive behaviors.

I am sorry that your mom was abused. But that is not a reason to do it to you.

It's like I tell my brother. "You must have enjoyed the abuse from our parents because you not only do the same to your kids but worse".

Quite frankly, it is not a good reason to mistreat others and I find it to be a huge load of bs.

Some people enjoy being miserable and only find any happiness by making others miserable. There is just no excuse for abuse, EVER!

I have been in therapy for 8 years. I'm trying my hardest.

Get some therapy so that it never does happen to you. You cannot change others nor change the past. But you can, with hard work, change your own life and break the cycle.