My Mum died crying in pain in the hospital. I wrote here about it all before. I am now not dealing with my guilt. Advice?

Coward? You used the word coward to define yourself. We hear words like guilt and grief, but never coward. I would never ever consider a caregiver a coward. But feelings and emotions are personal. No one in this forum can talk you out of how you feel, that would be undermining your feelings. We cannot decide that what you feel is wrong. Many people post of their guilt or regret (which is probably more accurate to say than guilt) especially after the loss of a LO. Do we pick and choose how we want to feel? No, it just comes. It is what it is. Emotions aren't wrong, they just are. If you really do feel like a coward, and I accept that, then your best approach is to seek professional counseling with a psychologist or psychiatrist who is trained in CBT therapy.

Your mom's death was heartbreaking, tragic, unavoidable and for now, inconsolable for you. But her death does not define you. I wish you the strength to overcome your negative emotions and the courage to seek counseling.

It is on the hospital that they didn't provide pain relief. That is their job, not yours. And they were in charge. I am so dreadfully sorry for your loss, but it was a loss that comes to us all. That you two shared great love is a wonderful thing, and a gift you gave to one another.
There are two G words we often mix up. One is guilt and the other is grief. Unless you are an evil felon who caused and took great joy in your mother's illness and pain, the word guilt is not for you. The word you want is grief. You are grieving. You could not have prevented a twisted bowel and an obstruction; you aren't god and you aren't a Saint. You are a human being who witnessed the torment of one you loved dying in pain.
Now your Mom's suffering is over. There is no going back. As the Mortician and essayist/poet Thomas Lynch says "The dead DON'T CARE". For them it is over. What honor do you do your poor Mom to call yourself names? How can this help her or help what you went through, what she went through.
Please consider grief counseling to help yourself on with a quality life. Your not "forgiving yourself" infers that you were god and could have changed this. It is grandiose thinking. I am so sorry that you are so stuck in all of this pain. You could not help your Mom, but you CAN help yourself. I wish you great luck, and am so sorry that you continue to have such a dreadful time with your grief when you should now be celebrating the life of your Mom, and the great love you two shared. Please get help. It is so hard to have these last images stuck in our heads and our brain tends to create a habitual path we walk over and over and over until it deepens and draws us. Get help. Please. And again, I remember your first postings to us. I am so sorry that the medical system let you down so badly. THEY are the ones who should be feeling guilt, because they were the ones who had power to change what happened and the way it happened.

I'm sorry for your loss.

BUT!
It was NOT your fault and you did what you felt was best at the time.

Please don't let the last few days of mom's life color the entirety of her being your mom.

I truly believe people, after they've passed, are immediately out of pain and misery that is this life. AND I believe that they have the capacity to forgive anything you've done, or perceived you've done.

Bless you as you naviagte these new waters. You can seek some help to deal with the sorrow and guilt, but you didn't CAUSE your mom to suffer. Nothing about which to feel guilty.

(Hugs))

I’m sorry for your pain. How your mother died wasn’t your fault. I hope you’ll seek grief counseling, a group called GriefShare is excellent for helping walk through your experience and start healing

So sorry for your loss. Like said, its not your fault its the fault of the Hospital. No one should be in that amount of pain in a hospital. And I have been at the fighting end with my mother. Knowing something was wrong and staff saying "but she is being discharged". Finally got a Dr to give it one more day then my RN daughter walked in and found that it was the antibiotic, it contained penicillin and Mom was sensitive to it.

Twisted bowel is very hard to pick up. Relative had this. Even scans didn't at first find it - under the care of specialist surgeon.

To think you could have prevented this or picked in up while in a home setting, without x-ray or CT scan is not believable. It is grief, anger, denial & wishful thinking.

Speaking to a grief counselor may help accept your loss & find ways to connect to happier memories of your beloved Mother.

When people are in a great deal of pain, they
say irrational things. Your mum loved you dearly, she doesn't want you to dwell on those last days.
If mum didn't survive in a hospital, there's no way you could have saved her.

Patchie, I am so very sorry for your loss. It hurts when oir moms pass.

But, how on earth, in your 70s and in ill health yourself do you imagine that you would have given your mother better care than she got?

She had lifelong depression and anxiety. She ALWAYS looked at the negative side of things. She thought she was "no trouble" when in fact she needed care.

Twisted bowls are not easy to diagnose. I am glad that your mom was gotten to the hospital, but I am sorry that they were not abke to relieve her pain adequately.

Do you imagine that you would have been able to diagnose her condition better?

This is not your fault.
It is the fault of EVERY medical professional that allowed her pain to reach such a level that she could not bear it.
That is not just unethical but inhumane.
You had very valid reasons not to have her in your home where you may or may not have been able to care for her.
Your mom would not have wanted you to continue to think this was/is your fault.
((hugs))