How can I get my husband's kids to come see him?

First, you both have my sympathy. However personal experience shows that it is very very hard for many adult children to accept a new spouse. For some, it seems like disrespect for (or betrayal of) their own parent. Others may think that parent should either not have remarried, should have ‘done better’ in their choice of spouse, or should have opted to spend the rest of their life differently. And some just don’t like the new partner. Treating adults you meet for the first time in the same way that you treat your own children after bringing them up, can go down badly. You may not even realise that you played it wrong.

If you want to give it a go, planning the special dinner is one way to go. The complete opposite may work better – let them know that you will be out of the house, and they will have their father to themselves with no need to interact with you. That’s pretty hard on you, but in my own view would show great love for your husband’s needs.

I wish that they would want to see their dad. Sadly, they don’t. You can’t make them want to spend time with him. It’s only going to hurt you more to keep hearing them say no.

I’m so sorry.

Thank you for your answer. I know the serenity prayer. I trust in God every day to see me through

Odds are you won’t be able to “make” then come visit. If you want them to come visit you that’s another argument. If you want them to come visit their father then that’s different. Pick some dates that might mean more to your husband and the kids, like his birthday, etc. Once you set a date, Invite them to come and make the logistics easy, area hotels, etc. Plan the meals that you will cook, etc. and ask for food preferences. Make sure they understand what the situation will be. Your husband may not be coherent, etc. Once you send the invite give them some time and ask them to confirm a visit. Then it’s on them to respond. After that you have done all you can. They are adults, you can not control someone else’s behavior but what you can control is how you respond. If they don’t visit then accept that and move on.

"I used to take him to see them but now he no longer wants to go to see them."

So, your husband doesn't want to see his kids? They don't want to see each other? What's the problem? I think you have a concept of how things "should" be and now that they're not at all like your concept, you are not accepting this reality. It's not easy, I totally get it, and a parent's second marriage late in life can be complex for the adult children and fraught with problems but I would have no expectations of them for anything, even beyond visiting their own father.

You cannot change another person. Your attempts to change others will cause only more resentment and dislike. Your husband's relationship with his children is a result of the entire lifelong relationships they have with had with one another. It is far too late to change the fact NOW that the children don't wish to spend any time with their dad. If there is not a lot of love for their father with these children there is no way for you to increase that love. I would leave it to these children what relationship they wish to have with you or with their father. Remember, many people don't even have kids who live in their own state. Children leave for their own lives and live their own lives. The amount of time they spend then with elders often depends upon the amount of love they have for the said parents in their own hearts. You cannot change any of that.

You can’t make them do what they don’t want to do. 🥺

If you Google The Serenity Prayer, it might help you to say it to yourself over and over (and over!)

I’m so sorry that this is happening in your family.