Am I making a mistake?

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DaniN86 Asked May 2021

Am I making a mistake?

Mom has cancer that has gone to her brain. They gave her 6 months and only managed to do radiation. She can't live on her own because she can't walk and home care is not enough. Since Nov she has been in hospital then in hospice then back home with me caring for her and now she is in long term care. She hates it so much. I can't take care of her at her house because I have a 4 year old and I live in the next town over. Now she is wanting to go to my house for me to have her there with homecare and one hired help. It's hard to watch her so thin and in pain and she has not accepted that she doesn't have much time left. The tumor is in the frontal lobe and so her personality has changed so much. She has so much anger and sometimes she can't even remember things. She thinks we have all abandoned her even tho I go there every day and even when she was in hospital. Would it make a difference if she was home with me or will she act the same way? I feel so much guilt having her in a long term facility.

Cancer Care Decisions Long Term Care

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score 0 · Answer 1

Is there no hospice in your area that does inpatient care. There used to be many and they are now rare as hen's teeth. No, with a frontal lobe metastasis it would not make a difference for her to be in your home, and with a four year old it is your obligation to prevent this child from the sights and sounds of what could possibly happen. Please see to it that hospice stays in place. She may never be capable of understanding all that is happening to her. Guilt belongs to felons. That isn't you. The G word you need to use is grief. Grief at what you are witnessing for one you love, grief that you cannot cure her, grief that you cannot make it better. But if you add this onto the plate of a four year old it may be time to talk about guilt, because I believe you would knowingly be doing smething you cannot handle in all likelihood, and something that would have severe repercussions on a little one incapable of understanding it. You are doing the best you can; you aren't a Saint. You are a human being. I am so very sad at what you are witnessing. Be certain that hospice knows that pain relief is the FIRST imperative now, even if administration of medications in amounts needed might hasten your Mom's death by some hours or days or weeks,because there is no upside to this torture and nothing to be gained from it. It honestly doesn't matter whether she "accepts" this or not, but it is coming. I am so sorry.

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score 5 · Answer 2

In home hospice, most of the work falls on the family. An aide may come 2 or 3x a week same with a Nurse. Family is taught how to give meds. Its 24/7 care unless u hire someone. By leaving her in a SNF the staff takes over her care when hospice is not there.

If you have a 4 year old, unless you can isolate Mom, not sure if having her in your home would be good for a 4 yr old.

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score 3 · Answer 3

You said it yourself.

You CAN’T.

Keep being her daughter. Keep up the visits, and enjoy your time together.

Let those who can share the caregiving over 2 or3 shifts in a day do their job.

I’m so sorry that your Mom and you are going through this.

Best wishes.

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Am I making a mistake?

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