Back in Feb I was diagnosed with end stage liver disease. Sigh, so now I am being cared for. I no longer have the energy to run her or her errands. I don't know how things will work out but I feel like I am abandoning her (mother) although we did discuss an alternative living arrangement in due time. That talk went ok she actually brought it up. I'm sure there are many who have struggled with their own illness while caring for a parent...how did you find the energy to do it all??
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Part of your post tells me that you struggle with energy. Unfortunately, lack of energy is part of your disease process. The best way to handle energy is to farm out whatever tasks you can - family members, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help. Save your energy for things only you can do. Other strategies include: strict adherence to your diet, getting at least 7 hours of sleep every night, and planned rest breaks throughout the day. Don't take any medication without consulting your doctor since the liver processes all medication.
Part of your post tells me that you struggle with expectations. The expectation you had lived under was "children take care of elderly/infirm parents." You may need to give yourself "permission" to move from doing all the hands-on care to allowing others to do the care tasks. If you are making sure your mother's needs are cared for, you are doing your job of "making sure mom is cared for." Your condition should allow you enough energy for this role in your mother's life.
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is an assisted living facility feasible ?
if the two of you share a room it may be cheaper than two separate rooms with the possibility of splitting the cost plus food for the “extra” person. It might not be full price for each person.
im sure that makes no sense since it doesnt when i reread it but a facility “should” know what i mean ???
of course when one person dies the full cost goes to the survivor.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Exactly. This is NOT abandoning your mother, but rather ensuring she WILL be cared for when you can't do it.
"...we did discuss an alternative living arrangement in due time. That talk went ok she actually brought it up."
This is good news. SHE brought it up and you both discussed it. If you are working with her to arrange for her care, how is that abandoning her?
Here's abandonment:
Last time OB was in the area, I suggested he go to DD and bring "treats" to mom and visit with her in MC before we tackle condo duty that day. Since he isn't local, he won't get many opportunities. It wasn't a long visit. Another day, too late to start more, I suggested he go again. He flat out refused, saying he "didn't know what to do with her." So, even if he lived locally, I doubt he would have visited. I made a point to go at least once/week, sometimes more. YB is closer, but working and someone wrapped up in his own little world. It became such a chore to try to get an answer from him regarding various special meals/days at the facility that I stopped asking. I have no proof, but I believe he just stopped going.
You, on the other hand, are working on a solution and doing the best you can. You are NOT abandoning your mother. If nothing else, handing off the harder part of care-giving can make life easier and leave you with more energy so you can spend quality time with her, rather than sucking out your remaining life with grueling tasks!
You learn to delegate
You learn how to accept help
You learn how to say NO..when it comes to others needs or wants.
You learn how to say YES..when it comes to your needs and wants.
Odd thing though for caregivers this is how it should be all the time.
You should know your limitations and not push yourself. Isn't that one of the 1st rules of caregiving...care for yourself first...Easy to say, hard to do.
Sad statistic is a lot of caregivers die before the person they are caring for.
I am so very sorry to hear of your diagnosis
OH, you can't "do it all", no one can.
When I took on the financial POA for my bro, Trustee of his Trust after his diagnosis with probable early Lewy's I recognized that while he was 83 I was only 7 years behind him. And there were things I simply COULD NOT do. I don't know that I ever could have done inhome care. In fact I believe I could not have. Just my own personal limitations. Good at being a nurse for 8 hours. In need of 16 hours off after that.
I think you already know all the facts here. I think you are bright and know what you have to do. I don't think you can expect this to be without mourning, without grief. It is WORTH grieving over. Alway remember my old adage that Guilt is for Felons. You are in for some pain and some grief. I trust you to know what to do.
And again, I am so sorry. What miserable timing this is. As though there were ever a good time to get ill. You owe yourself the best self care you can give yourself now, and any extra strength I know will come your Mom's way with visits. This isn't abandonment. This is illness.