I have been caring for my mother in my home for the past year and a half. She is over 100 years old and has dementia, is now bedridden and completely immobile. So far I've paid for everything she has needed, but now I've had to hire caregivers to come each day because I can't change and bathe her by myself. I believe we should sell her assets to pay for her care, but my siblings think I should be unselfish and pay out of pocket. It's about $5200 a month. They will lose their inheritance if we use her assets. They also say they are unable to care for her in their home because they don't have the time or patience. My husband is getting frustrated because we can't go anywhere. He just retired. What should I do?
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Your mom’s assets and money should be used to pay for her care not yours. I hope you have documented with receipts all the money you’ve spent so you can recoup it if anything is left.
You can’t force your siblings to do anything to help......believe me I’ve been there. They’ll only come around when it comes time to divvy up the money.
Hire the help you need for her care and forget anyone’s inheritance. Best wishes to you.
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The causes of dementia and the expense of its care can needlessly, and sadly, divide families. So the family wants you to foot the bill for her care, while they just live their life and wait for the inheritance to roll in. And they don't have time for getting involved in their own mother's care neither, but you do. The selfishness they accuse you of, is reflected in their own egotistical desire for an inheritance.
A spouses frustration can lead to squabbles and dissension within the home. Don't let that happen. So sell her assets, and meanwhile look for some in home care to give you and hubby some respite time. For a more permanent answer, start looking at care facilities to house your mom. My grandmother died at 103 so you could still be looking at several years of expenses. Have those expenses paid by your mom's money, not yours.
Please tell me that you have POA??!!! Does she pay any money to you for living there or for her meds, etc.? Does she get social security? If so, every penny of that should be used for her care.
If she has ANY money, use it for her needs. You are not responsible for that.
Are you insistent on keeping her out of a nursing home? If not, that might be the best solution at this point. Her conditions are a lot to take care of at home.
Do not be upset that your siblings don't want to take her into their homes. This is their choice and they know it is an impossibly hard task. You said yes and have taken care of her advanced problems for a long time.
You deserve a break. You deserve to keep you own money to spend on yourself.
This is going to be hard but you should make big changes ASAP. Siblings won't like it but too bad for them. They have no say since you are the one doing the work. They have no say over how you spend your own money. I would try not to argue with them but just factually tell them the new way things are going to be as you figure them out.