I'm 37 and I take care of dear mom who was diagnosed with dementia a year ago, but is progressing so fast. We are renters, living in a townhouse, and we've lived in this community for about 22 years---I technically grew up here. My mom has always been kind to our next door neighbors who also lived next to us for 22 years. They adore mom and they have nothing but respect for her and our family. My only worry (as if I don't have enough to worry about), my mom screams when I try to get her up to go to the bathroom, screams when I try to take her to her bedroom, screams and yells/calling for someone almost all day. Every morning, when I try to get her out of bed, she screams so loud. I've apologized constantly to my two next door neighbors because the walls are so thin and I know mom screaming all day is no fun, she even knocks on windows and asks anyone passing by to come get her out or she would say hey hey or call them by someone else name. My two lovely neighbors even bring me coffee and donuts from time to time just to remind me I have nothing to apologize about and tell me they know what dementia does, but I can't help but feel so bad and ashamed that others can hear my mom like this. I can't afford to buy a house, so I'm really stuck in this place, but I feel hopeless and don't know what to do. Am I overthinking this?
29 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I agree you need to have your mother assessed by her doc for anti-anxiety meds to take the edge off. Could she possibly be experiencing physical pain that you are unaware of - an infection?
While it is commendable that you want to care for your mother, it appears to be getting to the point of being too much - have you considered to add some in home aids? You also may need to consider placement. Placing your mother doesn't make you any less of a caregiver - or means you failed as a caregiver - it just changes how you caregive. Instead of being a hands-on caregiver you are then free to again be her daughter and advocate for the care she receives - smoothing over problems and handling issues that arise at the facility. In addition you have a team of caregivers there 24/7.
Again your mother is so lucky to have you as her daughter. May your mother, you and your neighbors be blessed.
You first need to go out of the house while she is screaming and see exactly what you can hear and also ask the neighbor what exactly they can hear.
Maybe the screaming is muffled and not as loud as you think to the neighbor.
It's an awful situation for all but when you say your mom screams, hopefully only for a few seconds while you move her then she stops. .
If it's a constant scream on and off all day, than you really need to find a solution as
it isn't fair to your neighbors to have to live out their retirement years like that.
Prayers
ADVERTISEMENT
I thought that I could care for my mom until the end. It becomes too much mentally and physically. My brother took the reigns after I did it. It was hard for each of us. Mom prayed for a way out of being a burden on the family. She was blessed to spend her last month of life in a wonderful hospice house. She received incredible care from the staff. She died with dignity and free from pain.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out for help. No one can do it all forever and if they force themselves to do everything they usually pay a high price for it. Their health will start to decline, both physically physically and emotionally. I struggled with anxiety, depression and extremely high blood pressure.
There is no shame in admitting that we need help or find that we feel it’s best to place our loved ones in a facility.
Best wishes to you and your family. Take care.
Hang in there -- you have a wonderful support system.
If you can manage to pay the rent on your own at the townhouse then great. If you can't then get a roommate to help share expenses.
Either way, your mother's needs now cannot be met by you alone. Or by any one single person.
You are not over-thinking it. You know that you're going to have to make this decision soon because she's getting worse fast.
Find a care facility that will take her.