My mom is 93 and lives alone in her apartment with family support. She has a negative attitude everyday. How do you cope with that?

I am so very sorry that you are in this situation. You certainly deserve joy in your life.

I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. Were you able to fully grieve for him in a healthy way or have you been solely occupied with the needs of your mom?

I can see how your mom’s negativity has caused dread in your life. It’s a dreadful situation.

I was thinking about the fact that you were a social worker. You were in a profession that helped others which is admirable, but your life maters equally to hers. Let me ask you, if someone came to you, and they were in the same situation as you are now, how would you as the ‘social worker’ advise them? What recommendations would you have for them? Take a minute to think about it and then please share how you feel.

I am not suggesting that you forget about your mom entirely. This is your mom. Of course, you have empathy. I am saying that there has to be a healthy balance in your life. It’s necessary to set boundaries in place, in order to achieve the correct balance in our lives.

Look, you may have to limit your phone calls with your mom. Hopefully, she will get the message that she can’t continue behaving like she does. No one can guarantee that she will. Unfortunately, some people never learn to respect boundaries and they become belligerent when faced with ultimatums. If that happens, you have a new dilemma to deal with. In extreme cases, some people end up having to go ‘no contact’ with their parents.

Just remember that there shouldn’t be any judgment from others placed on your decisions or anyone else for making choices that are correct for their particular situation. So, ignore anyone who tries to force their viewpoint on you if it isn’t applicable for your needs.

Wishing you peace during this challenging time in your life. I hope that you find the joy that you are seeking in your life. Take care. Please let us know how things are going. We care.

As soon as Mom starts her complaining on the phone:

”Wow, Mom. It sounds like you’re having a hard time right now. I’ll call later on when you’re feeling better.”

It's a good thing you don't live with her huh? You deserve to be happy, and not have to put up with her negativity, so why don't you try just calling her once a week? And when she asks why you're not calling more, you can tell her the reason. Or the minute she starts to get negative, you tell her that you're going to hang up now, because you don't want to listen to her nonsense, and hang up telling her that you'll try calling back another time when she can be more positive. It's one thing if she wants to remain a negative person, but she has no right to drag you into her negativity, and you have the right to say NO, I'm not going to allow this any more. Life is way too short, as you are already aware of.
And if you're only one of a few who check on her, you can buy some inexpensive security cameras to place throughout her house that you can access through your phone to check on her any time you want, which will give you an excuse not to call her as much.
Now quite allowing mom to steal your joy and get back out there and enjoy your life!!!

Even though your Mom is 93 that doesn't mean she should have control over you. As others said, limit your time with her and when she starts yelling at you just walk out. You could say "Mom, I love you but I'm not going to let you upset me" and keep that boundary. Maybe she will get the message and stop.

Or before you go over to her you can call her to see what kind of mood she is in and if you sense she is being really negative then postpone your visit or do a dropout if it's food or something she needs. Less contact the better.

Best to you!
Jenna

Adrianna

What does your mom want you to do about her impending death? Does she have her funeral planned? Paid for? Is she religious? Has she seen a neurologist? Is she taking anything for her anxiety? Have you discussed her anxiety with her doctor? Does she eat well? Get plenty of sleep? Exercise?

In other words is she doing anything and everything she can to manage her stress?
Is she able to do that?

While your mom may be in relatively good health for her age, she is still 93 which is very old. She has probably outlived most of her generation. That would be stressful in itself.

It could be that she truly has no idea how much what she says affects you. If she is accustomed to just unloading her free floating anxiety onto you when you talk, and it triggers your own anxiety, threatens your mental health, then you may have to just not call. The elderly seem to have little ability to think of anyone but themselves.
The calls don’t seem to be helping either one of you. If you feel responsible for her well being, then come up with an alternative to the calls.

Is your mom homebound? How does she handle her ADLs? Is she dependent on you and your sister? It could be time to get her more help aside from the family if that is the case.

Below is the link to your Area Agency on Aging. Look over this site and give them a call to see what help might be available in your area for your mom and yourself.

Telling her that she can’t talk about what is on her mind probably won’t help.
She sees you as someone she can ask to help her.

I notice that whatever routine I have set up works for awhile and then things progress and what worked before no longer does and I have to increase the care.

So recognize that your mom needs more help than she is getting now. And you need a change as well.

That doesn’t mean you have to provide it hands on, but she probably needs you to manage it.

To continue calling her, hearing her bring up what is distressing her, then you discounting her feelings or being stressed by her feelings is just not working for either one of you.

Try to come up with an action plan tonight to try something new.

https://www.co.somerset.nj.us/government/human-services/aging-disability-services

I'm sorry for your situation and I don't mean to to sound snarky or sarcastic but when you mother complains that she's dying - agree with her with a response like "yes mom with each passing day each one of us is closer to our death." Just acknowledge her statement.

Does your mother spend all her time in her apartment or is she able to get out and do things - just enjoy the fresh air? Has she always been negative or is it a more recent development. If she's always been negative then you are going to just have to find ways to handle the situation - such as talk to her less or when she has nothing good to say make excuses and end the conversation. If this is relatively new behavior, if I were in your place, I'd put my social worker hat and help her with her feelings and come up with solutions together to find a happier place - you can't make her happy - but you might help her learn how to find some joy in life. You have a right not to be dragged down with negativity.

I live with my very own "Debbie Downer" husband - and yes it sucks the life right out of you. When I point out that all he does is bitch and moan - he denies it - just telling it like it is. But he rarely ever has anything positive to say. I think because of his low self-esteem he wants everyone to be as miserable as he is - and today he has truly succeeded. The problem is I can't hang up on him or leave the room (he follows along behind continuing to talk).

Good luck.

So sorry for all of the stress you are having. Are you still adjusting to retirement? I felt as if I “lost” my identity when I retired despite the fact I was happy to free from the daily grind. I still find it hard, since work gave me so much validation and positive feedback. And some of us just never really get over the loss of our spouse. And now that you have some freedom you are dealing with this very negative situation in your life. And trying to enjoy your sons wedding plans while doing it all without your spouse by your side.

It sounds like your mom is a real thorn in your side. You shouldn’t have to be your mom’s “social worker” or whipping post for her grief about aging. You have devoted your life to caring for others. It is time for a break for sure.

I have chosen to have limited to almost no contact with my mother for some very good reasons. I had to go to therapy for almost a year now when I stepped in to manage her affairs. The best thing therapy did for me was to help me formulate responses to my mother’s behavior. She has advanced dementia and is in LTC now, but when I did have to have some more interactions with her, I was advised to keep them short and direct. To not ask what she wanted, but to tell her what the “plan” is. And to say “I have to go now” when my anxiety was rising. I also learned it was okay to tell her, in a calm but firm manner, to stop her behavior. Therapy also helped me to understand (and cope better) my “trauma response” to my mother.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your son is to go out and enjoy your life. Your mother will always be negative. You will never change that. You say that she has “family support.” What about you? I know that if communication needs to happen I have family that will step up and manage the face to face for me if ever needed. This way I can avoid contact with my mother. I also rely on the staff at her facility to communicate her needs to me.

Good luck with the wedding and make some plans for happiness in your retirement!

Limit your contact, but also put yourself in her shoes. She IS dying at 93, and I assume she has few friends her age left to commiserate with. It must be terrifying to truly not know whether you'll wake up tomorrow or what your death will be like when it comes.

She can only suck the life out of you if you let her.

Remember, it takes two to tango.

Dont fight with her.

Acrept she is who she is and isn't going to change.

Pick your battles.

Let her do as she pleases.

Juse call and say hi and be agreeable.

Don't stay on the phone long, make short and sweet check ins on her.

She's probably just bored.

Bring her things to keep her busy like Paint sets, Puzzles, coloring books, ect.

Arange for outings.

I know you have your own life but hopefully you can take her out once a week.

See if you can get other relatives. Friends, Church Members, ect to visit so she can have a visitor every day.

Maybe she would be happier living at an assisted living place where she would have others to talk to and they would have planned activities.

Prayers

Sounds like she would benefit from some antidepressant treatment - it's a pain in the a**, and demoralising to get old and know you can do less, be capable of doing less, feel un-needed. But something like Mirtazapine can do a lot to lift the negativity and make someone more equable to deal with. As can ensuring she is getting a proper diet. We have found an iPad with Facetime (and nothing else to confuse) on works wonders - yes we get calls (which sometimes we ignore if they exceed a couple a day) but seeing a face, and having a ten minute chat even about the weather can help reduce a feeling of isolation. Of course friends numbers can be added if they have the facility. Zoom may be an option. As long as the elder can be taught to use the Pad this can release a lot of the tensions and needs to have physical presence more than you can give. (Its amazing how one can get cut off on calls that are becoming difficult :) )