Toying with placing my husband in memory care. Seven years into this, he’s 68 and is very visually spatially compromised with a lot of damage to his parietal lobes. Still knows me but my stress of a full time business and poor home health aides coupled with sheer exhaustion and hyper vigilance is affecting me on many levels. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Very torn.
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SAFETY
If it is not safe for you to care for him at home....
If it is not safe for him for you to care for him at home...
You have no option but to place him.
By safety I mean not just physical safety but mental, emotional, safety.
Placing him in a Memory Care facility is NOT admitting failure, NOT giving up it is accepting that you are human and you need help.
If you can get help to come in at least 4 or 5 days a week, during times when you really need help or a break. That help can also do some light housework. That might be an option that would allow you to keep him home longer.
If he is a Veteran the VA does have programs that can help. If so check with your local Veterans Assistance Commission to determine how much help he would be eligible for
A question for you...
who cares for you if you become injured caring for him? And who cares for him while you are healing?
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Even with aides, how well could you focus on work if hubby is home and needs extra attention?
You can't help him if your body makes good on the warnings it's been giving you and you end up in need of care.
You decision can then be based on a MC, which is private pay, or a LTC facility which Medicaid will pay for. If your assets are such that MC only means his split will only last a few months, it may be wiser to place him in LTC going right into Medicaid, He will get into LTC much easier if private paying.
You deserve a life. One person just can't do it all. He now needs more care than you can give him.
1 - You can not get 7-9 hours of sleep every day - in one long sleep.
2 - You need to eat fast and your meals are not really healthy.
3 - You have no time off to take care of your own health needs.
4 - You have no time off during the course of 24 hr day
5 - You have no time off during the week to have fun, talk to family/friends...
6 - You do not have other people (or only a handful) - family, friends, members of faith community, paid help... - to help with caregiving
What are some pros and cons of placement?
Some pros: more energy to concentrate on your business; less stress and anxiety; relief from being primary caregiver; doing more of what you want to do; insuring his safety; knowing he's cared for.
Some cons: worrying about his care; did I choose the right facility; over expecting and not being happy with his care; grieving over your separation; financial concern of the cost; possible regret of placing him; worry that he won't adjust; loneliness.
Visit several facilities and once you place him, trust that the staff is doing a good job in caring for him. Remember, you are still his advocate. Communicate with the staff and express your concerns for his care. Don't second guess your decision. Visit often and reassure him of your love. This is a life changing decision for you both. I speak from experience when I say this may well be the toughest decision you will ever make. I wish you well.
That said, dementia reaches a point where in home care becomes almost impossible for most spouses. When I worked in a Memory Care AL last year, I interacted with lots of spouses who had no other choice but to place their husband or wife in our AL because their care had reached the point where they could no longer cope with it. They were getting no sleep, no peace, and nobody was thriving. They were pretty much where YOU are at now.
The Memory Care AL offers the resident teams of caregivers who are there to help them 24/7. 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks. Activities designed specifically for their abilities; movies, games and most of all, interaction with others like them. That's an important thing that most people don't understand! Companionship/friendship with others in the same boat which cannot happen at home. There are parties in the MC for holidays, driven by the activities director, too. Lots of fun things go on. My mother's place they have a mini bus driver that takes them to the mountains for scenic drives a few times a month. And to see Christmas lights in December. Things like that.
If you place your DH, you'll have your life back and HE will his own life, too. You'll go visit whenever you want and can take him out for a meal or for ice cream if he's able. That's what the spouses did at the MC I worked at.
Don't look at this as a 'failure' on your part or some sort of horrible place you're putting him in. Quite the opposite, really. Go tour some MCs and see what you think.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward
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