I finally received a call from her last September after 20 years of deliberate avoidance. In those 20 years our lives certainly changed. So many times I needed her and she was not there for me. She just inherited a huge amount of money and now is dying. Her own family is a mess...and she, dying from lung cancer, while she continues to smoke and drink. So Sad. I do forgive but it is hard for me to forget the emotional abusive behaviors. The lies and ridicule I endured from jealousy. I took care of my mother struggling with alcoholism, cirrhosis, bleeding ulcers and bronchitis. My sisters were too busy in their lives to help . They lived within one hour of her...I lived 8 hours away. I would drive to see mom and care for her, clean her house, take her to appointments, and take her out ...for dinner, lunch, a drive...dress her up like she loved, once a month for 3 years. Thankful to have such a wonderful mom and amazed that both sisters were too busy to care. And now this sister is in hospice and I am being summoned to come. And I am afraid to see her in this condition. It is a thousand mile journey. She expects me there now. I read all of these posts because I was my mother's caregiver and it was difficult but I loved my mother and appreciated her incredible efforts in raising us all . Now, as I pack my bags and make all of the arrangements to travel , dealing with my own respiratory illness, having to travel with portable oxygen, 65 now, sister is just 67...help me to understand how to lay down the torment of the unresolved past. I cannot bring any of it up any more. Regurgitating any of the hurt and deprivation makes me sick. I know it will hurt her too. How do I offer loving kindness devoid of memories? She is already lying and manipulating the course demanding her own needs and giving no concern to my own health, costs, or responsibilities at hand. Certainly my needs are not as desperate as hers. I just want to go with the best loving spirit but I am afraid as this family's history is of abuse, torment and rejection. I'm sorry if this is not the right forum for this discussion...but your caring input would be so appreciated.
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If you can listen to her, WHATEVER she has to say, whether it is a final condemnation from her own side, or to say she is sorry then go. If you can forgive her and smile gently and say "Sis, next go around we will do better", then go.
The past is the past. Nothing can change it. NOTHING CAN CHANGE IT. This is not some movie romance. This is real life and your Sister is about to exit it.
What she wants of you, I cannot imagine. If she wants to say one last mean thing, tell her you are sorry for all her pain and anger. If she wants to apologize tell her you will do better next life, the two of you. If she wants to tell you all her money goes to charity tell her you are happy for the charity. If she wants to leave you some, tell her you will put it to good use. If you don't want to regurgitate the past tell her that you didn't come to regurgitate the past as it is gone, but came because she asked you to, and to wish her the best now that can be for her.
What good does your anger do you? Anger eats US from the inside out. It destroys our lives. If you need help feeling, explaining, exploring the pain of the past then therapy is the only answer for that. This visit to your sister isn't that.
As I said, you know yourself. You do not owe your sister anything. If you do not wish to go, then don't go; allow yourself the grief that some things can't be fixed or a fix comes too late, and move on. If you wish to go then go with an open and gentle heart.
I sure wish you the best. I would love to hear an update on your decision. My heart goes out to you for all the pain you have suffered, and I am so sorry for it and all you have endured.
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I wouldn't go.
You're about to put yourself through a heck of an ordeal, and the reward you're hoping for (presumably) is some sort of conciliatory encounter which will allow you to feel that you are helping your sister prepare to rest in peace, and ensure that you have no regrets.
Well now. Unless you think that the odds are good, and that is the kind of encounter you will succeed in having, you shouldn't go.
I guess it's just about possible she wants your forgiveness. I hope you're not expecting to be asked, though.
Whatever happens, Do Not Go solely because it is expected of you. Make a considered decision based on realistic probabilities.
He didn't know I was coming and when I walked up to his bed, he actually smiled and was happy to see me. We talked very little, as he had COPD with influenza and was on a ventilator mask. I just sat there and we looked at each other noticing how time had changed us both. I held his hand and smiled at him a lot too. I told him I loved him and he told me the same.
A few days later, the doctors informed us his lungs had completely stopped working and he would have to remain on the ventilator permanently. At that point, he decided it was time to let go. As his life slipped away, not every moment was peaceful. A nurse had made the mistake of turning up his oxygen and he regained consciousness. The dad I always knew made one last appearance, but thankfully it was short lived.
When he passed, I was by his side, holding his hand and my other hand was on his chest. I felt him take his last breath. At that moment, I leaned over his bed and hugged him. It was the best experience I ever had with him in my entire life. I was finally able to be close to him emotionally without all hurt feelings and sadness. I finally felt the love I had always wanted from him, even though he was gone. It was a very powerful moment for me.
I would go visit your sister with an open heart and no expectations. If it is not going well, you can leave and feel you did your best. You just don't know what will happen. If something good comes of it, believe me, you will be glad you made one last effort.
Have an exit plan. If she starts being hateful or attacking you personally, leave. You don't have to stay and take any abuse. You can leave knowing you gave her every opportunity to mend bridges and she choose not to do so, no regret on your part you did everything you could.
Don't forget to take care of yourself, you did not cause her illness, and don't let anyone blame you for what has happened to her.
I cared for my mom and dad. They never drank or smoke. Daddy had smoked during the war. Mom asked him to quit and he was one of the rare people that could quit cold turkey. Daddy was ‘true blue’ to my mom. He wasn’t the type to stop off for a drink after work. He only had eyes for my mom. Mom doted on my father. They were extremely responsible in all aspects. They were married over 50 years.
So, how did their first born become the opposite personality is a mystery. I suppose because there was no education on addictions back then. Sadly my brother was influenced by peer pressure and addictions ruined his life. Oh, he had succeeded in ways too. He had his own business at one time. He married a woman and had a family. At one time he literally lived a couple of houses away from my mom and didn’t bother to do anything for her. She did for him, though, whenever he needed something.
Anyway, all of my siblings did their own thing. My parents always relied on me because I was the ‘dependable’ one. I find most parents will love their kids enormously, in spite of troubles in their lives. That certainly was the case with my mom and brothers. Funny though, I never got babied. Actually, I am grateful though, because I learned to stand on my own feet. I didn’t go to my parents to bail me out if I needed help. I simply got another job if I had to. It killed me but somehow I survived. YOUTH! We can endure a lot of things when we are young.
I took care of my oldest brother when he became ill. It was heartbreaking. I loved him as a brother. I hated that he chose the wrong path in life. When he did get clean, he was wonderful. If only, he could have beaten his demons permanently. Some people never do and remain addicts. It’s sad.
We were estranged for awhile too, but I did take mom to see him in hospice. All I can say is, that I said a silent prayer to find love and mercy in my heart. I literally begged for His grace to be able to overcome my bitterness that I held in my heart from being so hurt by him.
God gave me the grace to find mercy for a dying man. I told him that I loved him. We shared a few stories, some sad, some laughs about funny things in the past. I prayed that he wouldn’t suffer and hospice was absolutely incredible. He did not suffer and was able to die with dignity.
I completely forgave him. I know that he was truly sorry for the pain that he caused others. It broke my heart that mom had to bury her son. I do find comfort that mom, who recently died, my dad and my brother are at peace and reunited in the afterlife.
Of course, your feelings are valid. You are entitled to feel as you do. Do whatever you need to do for you. For me though, I knew that I could not have lived with myself had I held onto the hurt. Plus, as soon as I looked into his eyes, I felt nothing but compassion for him.
This is your call, your feelings. No judgment from me. It is a difficult choice.
I wish you peace as you face this challenging situation. Take care.