Mom will be transitioning to assisted living where I live at which is 3 hours away from her own home. Initially she was to be placed closer to her home but my brother just said he couldn't help with her so now the plan has changed. She wants to go to her house first but I'm reluctant to do this because I fear it would make it worse for her when it is time to leave. I am so torn and on the verge of tears because I'm not sure what is the best to do. I am new at all of this and I have so much anxiety. Help.
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Hope it worked out ok if you did go.
My husband and I have lived in our home for 30 years! Time flies!
I am ready to move out of this house now. I really want to downsize. Moving can be a good thing in the long run.
I can certainly understand her wanting to see her home one last time.
I remember my mom asking me to bring her to her home after we were allowed to return to New Orleans after evacuating to Texas during hurricane Katrina. So much of our city was under water due to the levees breaking.
It was extremely emotional for all of us. Mom and dad bought that home when I was a baby. They lived in it for 55 years together and mom lived in it five years after daddy died.
Mom’s home had nine feet of water. It was shocking to see the destruction. It broke my heart to see mom viewing her home and it’s contents destroyed. Still, I felt mom needed to see her home that she loved one last time before moving in with us. Mom was too old to rebuild and she had health issues, so it was time for her not to be living alone in her home.
Mom grieved for her home but she took it in stride. We were grateful that we had evacuated New Orleans and survived. It’s incredibly sad that so many people lost their lives in Katrina.
It helps to look at the larger picture. It was horrible for mom to lose her beloved home and all of her belongings that held cherished memories, but in the end, it’s merely things. Being able to safely evacuate and remain safe and alive was most important.
One door closes and another one opens. Your mom will grieve for her home, just as my mom did. Take comfort that she will be safe and well cared for.
Wishing you peace during this time of transition in your lives.
When we sold the house the realtor had a gift book made with photos of the house. When I showed it to her she didn’t seem to recognize the empty rooms!
Willing to go - let her go see her house, pick out some things that are dear to her to take along to the new place. One last look around - it would be something I know I'd want.
Uncertain? Ask her why she wants to go there. Are there things she'd like to take. Or is she indicating she can go there to live. If you say yes, be very clear with only staying X number of nights because you have an appt/etc on a certain day.
If you mom has dementia or mental health issues, going "home" first is probably not helpful. She may obsess about being "home" and not needing to go anywhere else. In that case, she should go straight from the hospital to assisted living and everybody should support the idea of this being her "home". You and your brother may wish to hold onto her "home" for a few month up to a year. Use this time to sort out her "stuff" and send things that mom requests.
If your mom is mentally alert and just has mobility issues, you may decide to "visit" her home for about a week. Use the time for her to go through her things and decide on what to take with her. Somebody will need to stay with her while she is in her current home. Then, keep her "home" for a few months to a year or store her things for a few months up to a year. She can request items be sent to her. She should have given one of you a power of attorney to have her home sold. Of you can arrange for a realtor to meet with her at her "assisted living home" to start the process of selling her home.
1) Take a lot of photos of your mother’s house, as a permanent record for both of you about how it was when she was there. These days, you could make it a phone video, or you could even hire one of the people who makes videos to go on internet real estate sites. If you don’t take her there, go through the visuals with her soon after she’s gone to AL. I’d really suggest that you do this for your own sake anyway.
2) If you really want to take her, do it after she’s spent at least a week in AL, seen your visuals, and fixed in her mind that it is her ‘old’ house and she doesn’t live there any more.
3) If you suspect that the visit may backfire on you (and her), don’t take her until you have started packing it up. Don’t tidy it up much – cupboard doors open with the contents emptied out, packing cases on the floor in the living room, and of course gaps where you’ve taken furniture for her AL room. Perhaps you do leave a garden chair with a nice view - that’s not enough for her to think she can move back in.
Best wishes and good luck. However you do it, it will be emotional. Yours, Margaret
If you can maybe make a picture book for her of the home that she can take with her to her new home. Pictures of different rooms with fond memories of what happened in those rooms or leave blanks where she can write down her memories. That way she'll take her home with her.
I still remember taking my mom to her nursing home, and she stood at the car and cried, "My home!" as though she'd lost her mother. It was awful, but as someone else said, a home is like a sentient being, and when you've been with that home for 50 years in my mother's care, you can't walk away easily.
The mistake I did make was taking her back to the house once because we were out together and we had to go to the bathroom. The house was close, so I took her there. We didn't leave for over an hour, and she wandered from room to room, distraught.
We had planned to bring her home each week to have a family dinner (her nursing home was less than a mile away), but after that one pit-stop we decided it was like sticking a dagger in her so we never brought her back.
Your mom may also get distraught going to her house one more time, but I think she deserves that one time.
Thank you for sharing that story about your brother. It brought tears to my eyes. I can almost picture him sitting on that porch. That is the way I will say goodbye to my house when I have to leave it.