I'm in a dilemma with my son and I don't know how to feel about this. Any advice?

You heard perhaps the adage:
"My daughter's my daughter for all of her life;
My son is my son till he gets him a wife" ?????????
Don't know why but this often happens.
I would stay pleasant and cheerful as you are able and try not to make judgements and comparisons. I can't guess at what relationship your son had with his Dad because he isn't here to ask. Either is his Dad. So I would go on with life as it is now. The couple asked you to stay with them. If you wish to do so, then do so, but given family dynamics don't expect perfection. If you would prefer staying in a Hotel tell them you would look on that as a great adventure, having your own wonderful room, that you would "enjoy the day with them and watch bad TV with cocktails all night". In other words a)let go of the past and b) have a good time. I wish you luck and am sorry for your loss.

Don’t worry about “how to feel” Your feelings are your own and can’t be helped. You’ve been hurt by your son and don’t know what to do next. For him to not visit because his dad had dementia was wrong. I have a sibling that would rarely come to my mom’s nursing home, saying it upset his family. Truth was, it upset him. I found the excuse flimsy at best, but had no choice but to accept it. Keep reaching out, especially to your grandson, but do so without expectations. Over time you’ll be able to let the past hurts go. And where you stay in their town is your choice, stay where you’re most comfortable and don’t justify your choice. I wish you healing and peace

A friend once told me..."forgive early and often". As many on here have said, we don’t have all the facts such as the son and father's relationship, son's personality, your relationship etc. There are always two sides to a story. It’s obvious your feelings are hurt and understandably so. Since you didn’t breach the subject with your son when DH was alive, the hurt has been smoldering. Confrontation is difficult for most of us...we wish the other person would just read our minds. If you sweep this under the rug, you may find you still have the hurt and resentment. If you don’t feel you can have a private heart to heart with him, then please consider a visit with a therapist. Not only will they hear you out objectively, but help you decide the next course of action. Please consider. Whatever you do, the grandson is not the one to "punish"....stay in his life and you can bring a photo album of his grandpa and talk to him about his life and also explain what dementia is and why he died. I hope all goes well.

You are getting mixed messages. Maybe stay with them and see how it works out. If you are uncomfortable, the next time get a hotel room. I think we may be doing it more and more when we visit. Much more private. Or just thank them and say u would be more comfortable in a hotel.

I understand the Dementia thing but I hate the excuse "just can't see them that way. And your son still had a mother. Like Alva says, the son usually leans toward's the wifes family. I see it all the time.

I am finding out not to expect. Makes life a lot easier.

Sympathies for the loss of your husband.

From what you have said, it sounds like either he or he and his wife couldn't handle the dementia. There are people who can handle some things and not others. Some hate hospitals and avoid visiting. Some don't know how to deal with illness and stay away. Some don't understand and haven't learned how to deal with dementia.

My OB was one, according to my mother, who hated doctors, hospitals, etc. He was sort of okay with mom when dementia was first realized. She repeated a lot, but was still somewhat capable. He isn't local, so visits were not often, much less so in the last few years (dad passed in 2008.) He came up for the "move" (I left that job to the 2 brothers, to try to avoid being the scapegoat, esp since I knew I would be the one doing all the work and interfacing with her.) He came up a few times for a week or so to help clearing/cleaning her condo.

During his last trip here, we went the evening he arrived with pizza. I busied myself with another resident who enjoyed my help with jigsaw puzzles, to give them time together. Although he said she kept asking what I was doing, it seemed to be going okay. Before heading to the condo (1.5 hrs away), I suggested he pick up some DD coffee and doughnuts and visit with her while I get ready. He wasn't there long but didn't say anything. Another day, after coming back it was too late for another trip, but still early, so I suggested he go visit her, knowing that he wouldn't get many visits being so far away. He flat out refused and said he "didn't know what to do with her."

Part of the problem is not knowing how to "work" with someone who has dementia. Once I realized she had an issue, I had to read up about it because I knew nothing about dementia. Despite trying to share various things I learned, neither brother was receptive. Sometimes it was totally rejected OR I was told I was a know-it-all! If he had taken time to learn about it, even some, he could have had visits during that last trip, but nope.

Another factor was having her mother live with us, part time. She was easy going, easy to care for and didn't have dementia. She was also a lot younger - two of us were college age, the other only about 11 or 12. Their memories of caring for her (or rather just having her there) probably clouded any thoughts about caring for/visiting old people. It was very different!

He never came back to see her. Over 2.5 years later, she had her first known stroke. I had cut ties with him for a different reason, but felt it was only right to let him know. It took 15 hours to get an email response that was just "thanks for update." No questions, no concerns, nothing. Although I don't know for sure, I don't think YB was visiting either, at least not after a year or 2 (she was in MC for 4 years.) It is so sad that they can't see beyond their own issues and at least give it a try!

Since they are inviting you to visit/stay, this is most likely the reason for appearing to shun you both. Take what you can get for a relationship and don't be too hard on him. As noted, some people just can't handle it. Try not to compare their relationship with her family, not even the grandson - he had no real choice in the matter! Yes, it hurts to hear what he said, but it wasn't meant that way. My grandson will never know a grandad, as both were gone before he was born (both divorced too.)

As for where to stay, a hotel is a good idea to book, just in case. You may feel you need some "space" when visiting. You have your routines, they have theirs. Blame it on privacy, not wanting to impose, needing a break, whatever works. You can, during the visit, try staying over, but always have that hotel room, just in case!

Enjoy what you can while you can. Get to know that grandson and work on keeping the relationship going. Due to the distance and virus, I haven't seen mine much, but he loves getting mail and packages! Makes me smile too!

Dementia is a really, really hard thing for a lot of people to deal with. You yourself know how hard it truly is. You had no other choice but to deal with it, so you did. Your son and his family chose the easy way out, you could call it, the 'put-your-hands-over-your-eyes-and-pretend-it-doesn't-exist way of dealing with it. What that did was leave YOU in the lurch, with nobody to talk to or reach out to, which was cowardly, really. They left you alone when you needed help MOST in your life. Now that your DH is gone, they're wanting to reach out and invite you back into their lives because they love you. I'm sure they loved your DH too; they just didn't know how to deal with his illness.

You can try to forgive what happened in the past with your DH and how your son & his wife treated the whole situation, or, you can hold onto your anger & grief and continue to alienate your loved ones even further. If it were me, I think I would accept their invitation and at some point during the visit, I'd bring up the matter and lay it out on the table. Let YOUR feelings be known, and how hurt you were over the whole situation of being abandoned during your husband's run with dementia. Ask your son & his wife what they will do if YOU get diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's? Will they run away from you, too, as they did with your DH? Or perhaps educate themselves about the condition so they can deal with it if/when it crops up in their lives next time. Burying ones head in the sand never fixes anything.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward & fixing damaged relationships with truth, honesty and LOVE.

You do exactly what you want to do. Stay in a hotel if you are uncomfortable there. You don't have to explain yourself. Your grandson can come and stay with you there for a sleepover
I see some saying maybe he couldn't deal with it. Well most of us can't but we do it anyway. I certainly can't but I wouldn't leave my mum to do this alone.
Get a great hotel room and treat yourself like a queen.
It is harder to feel left out when you are better company for yourself than anyone else!!

In reading your post I think your son did not have a good relationship with your husband. The problem was more than just your husband’s dementia. As a result your son put a barrier between you and himself because of your husband, and now that barrier is gone. It seems that the barrier was there for a long time and your son did not discuss the reasons for it with you. You probably should not analyze it now unless your son volunteers to review it with you. I would stay at his house and use it as an opportunity to start building a better relationship between you, your son and his family which I think you want to have with him.

Dear Alzdone,
Neither of my children will come home to help me with their grandmother (my MIL). It has strained our relationships immensely.
As I learn to forgive them, I'm slowly building new relationships with them. I know they are not cut out to be human caregivers (my shortcoming?), and I cannot expect that from them. I try to focus on the joy they can/do bring.

If you value your son and dil, overlook their shortcomings, and enjoy the good parts.

You are hurt by what your grandson wanted? Put your resentments with your son an DIL behind you and try to improve what you have with your grandson or you will resent him too! Be smart, you cannot change the past but can influence the future! Life is short and unfair. Put your hurt feelings away and deal lovingly with the people in your life! Be smart, no on ever said life was fair!!!