How do you deal? You look inside yourself and examine your own self worth and figure out if you deep down believe anything she says. I was told the same things in the past. I am a smart ass and said horrible things to the person who said those things to me. Do I regret it, absolutely not but that is me and I do not recommend anyone else doing it.
As for financial help, that is tricky. How does sis feel about mom being placed? In my situation, DIL was a quack social worker who objects to placement and yaps about rights so my opinion is if she cannot stfu, she should provide some type of help either physical or financial. Its a whole different story if they believe in placement.
As for food, have you applied for SNAP benefits for yourself or mom? That may help ease the food burden. If not, churches or Hidden Harvest has programs to get food to people that need it. As for the fridge, there are programs thru non profits such as Habitat for Humanity that will provide emergency micro loans for things such as that for repayment of less than $50 a month.
Help who out financially? Your sister is quite correct not to help others financially. We should ALL be saving for our own elder years when we will be very much needing all the savings we can possibly accumulate so as to not be dependent on others for our care. If you require funds you will need to access what governmental help is available to you. If you are not speaking of yourself, but of others who need this financial help then THEY should be exploring what help is available to them if their own savings are gone. As to a screaming sibling? I would avoid her. If you give us further details we may be able to sort out some better answers, but right now I am unclear just what is happening, who needs help and what help they need. Wishing you the best. PS I just read further down under responses and it sounds to me as though there are some torturous family dynamics happening here. I doubt it is anything we can advise you on, but if you would like family mediation information I can supply you with some organizations that help with that. Let me know.
First of all, just the title of your post put me back. After reading your post, I personally feel that there is just too much drama, from everyone involved, period.
First, it is not your sister's responsibility (or yours) to help out financially. It seems that you do so by your own accord and choice. I agree that if you and your mom are both receiving retirement from social security and living in her home, you should be able to make it financially. I am assuming that you live an austere lifestyle in a home that is either paid for or at a low payment if your parents lived there for years. You don't really give us much information to actually give you advice.
I moved my mother in with us a year ago. We live on social security, hers plus ours. When she passes, we will be back to ours. I retired a few months after she moved in because she needed more care than I could give while working a job. We do not eat out, we do not order in, we do not waste a penny and we make it work. I have 4 siblings out of state and do not consider it their responsibility to help me financially.
You have choices and they are yours to make. If you are still able to work and cannot survive financially without working, then you should go to work. You can hire respite if needed or you can move her to an assisted living facility. We don't really know what her situation is either so don't really know what else to suggest.
I do not mean to sound cruel or uncaring, but the drama in your posting makes it hard for me, and maybe others, to find the compassion you seem to be looking for. We cannot condemn your sister without knowing much more.
You are retired like u have SS and Medicare and some pension? How old are you? Mom gets SS and is on Medicare?
If Mom is happy with the situation than no problem. You have that Mom has Dementia? I would not ask sister for another cent. If you are able to leave Mom home, then even a p/t job would bring in some money. You are in a job that is flexable and if an RN the money is good.
So, mom lives at home and you live there and do 24/7 care?
Or mom lives at home, needs occasional support and transport to doc appointments and you retired so as to be available all the time "just in case"?
What will happen when mom passes away? Will your own retirement be adequately funded by your own SS and pension?
We have so many posters here who quit work to caregive and are rendered homeless and destitute when their elderly parent dies.
I don't see why your sister should be contributing to mom's upkeep. Doesn't mom have SS and perhaps a pension and savings? Did she plan for her old age?
Here's the 'profile': I am a retired nurse taking care of mom( we live together). I have a very jealous sister who also has a boyfriend and both have been after me for a few years now to go back to work. Moms fridge went and she needed more groceries 2-3 times (they helped) but it was not without my getting read the royal riot act. Sis screamed at me on the phone (yes actually screamed) “ mom and dad have carried you their whole lives and I’m SICK of it! You need to step up to the plate and get a JOB!!!- I’m NOT going to pay for anything any MORE!!! And Don’t argue with me cuz I’ll WIN!!!” So I said “those were mom’s bills-“ she then stated, “You LIVE there ,so YOU Benefit!!!” I just handed the phone to mom... Feeling flushed I had to try to calm myself down...Needless to say I woke up early with an asthma attack and had to take my inhaler... (Her boyfriend hinted about laziness (the last time they visited) to my face, and I told him “I’m not lazy!” he just disregarded it.. So, sis waited a few days and asked me in a text msg “are you working yet??” I said “yep-got a job Thursday”- I have not heard from her since- Thank God for that...I did get a great paying job but don’t want to take it as I feel now is not the time to be going back to work. I felt very weird even going to the interview... Even my cousin told me long ago that “your sister needs to get off her A— and help your mother financially- your mother helped her all these years.... I was all set up to have my own non medical Homecare agency and work it out of the house.. sis’ boyfriend stated he had 9 businesses and there’s too much liability and that I needed a paycheck like yesterday...and not to do it...I thought well maybe they are right but Mom thinks because sis is greedy and works a lot that she’s afraid she will have to contribute again financially... So far mom has had a zillion surgeries Including open heart and I’ve been there through them all...and while I know caregiving is not for everyone, sis could have at least come help with vacuuming (dad used to get mad when he was alive) she told me “You can get a tel e health job and work from home and Still take care of mom”!!!!! Really?!! I am so angry and still not over being screamed at... I told sis’ boyfriend “somebody’s gotta be here - and since mom doesn’t want anyone else to come in from an agency I know moms conditions best and drs, meds, etc... Our parish priest said “you need to have a talk with your sister”. I said she won’t listen.. I’ve worked as a nurse for many years while in Mass. and sis lived in Calif., and she never bothered with me only to start trouble between my mother and me by calling and complaining how I was spending mom’s money when it was her husband at the time borrowing from my dad to build three houses (which they would lose one by one due to his alcoholism...) So it’s a lot of baggage.. mom said sis is jealous- yet she lives in a mansion- has tons of money in the bank, is much healthier, stronger, (muscular) and prettier than I am- yet she’s jealous of me because I live with mom... it’s just ridiculous... I know I have to meet with her at some point but I’m trying to plan it so I don’t get screamed at... I want to text her and say “now that I got this job you don’t bother speaking to me anymore..” But I am not going to waste my time...I told her I forgave her for the screaming and I could never hate her but I refuse to be around her unless I truly have to...I am on the fence about this job..Anyone else who has dealt with a jealous (probably narcissistic) sister, any thoughts would be indeed appreciated..(sis’ husband passed on a few years ago..) I worry after mom passed that I am going to have to deal with a lot of abuse and possibly legal issues regarding moms house..even though mom is leaving it to me, I feel that sis may fight it and try to get it sold somehow.. I moved back with my folks in 2010 as they both needed open heart surgery at the same time! Thanks for reading this
I don't know if you live together or who contacts who and when and why. What I do know is that no one, and I don't care who or why, etc. has any right to treat someone else badly or scream at them. I would go ballistic if someone tried this with me. I treat everyone with respect and demand the same and will help anyone in need if they are truly in need and not trying to take advantage of me. If they scream, I would find a way to stop them in their tracks and give them an ultimatum what will happen if they continue. You may have to take some very strong action but this cannot be permitted. I would set boundaries and make them very, very clear to her. Give her a chance to cooperate and if not, I'd tell her where to go an walk away and never look back. People like that are not worth it.
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As for financial help, that is tricky. How does sis feel about mom being placed? In my situation, DIL was a quack social worker who objects to placement and yaps about rights so my opinion is if she cannot stfu, she should provide some type of help either physical or financial. Its a whole different story if they believe in placement.
As for food, have you applied for SNAP benefits for yourself or mom? That may help ease the food burden. If not, churches or Hidden Harvest has programs to get food to people that need it. As for the fridge, there are programs thru non profits such as Habitat for Humanity that will provide emergency micro loans for things such as that for repayment of less than $50 a month.
If you give us further details we may be able to sort out some better answers, but right now I am unclear just what is happening, who needs help and what help they need. Wishing you the best.
PS I just read further down under responses and it sounds to me as though there are some torturous family dynamics happening here. I doubt it is anything we can advise you on, but if you would like family mediation information I can supply you with some organizations that help with that. Let me know.
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First, it is not your sister's responsibility (or yours) to help out financially. It seems that you do so by your own accord and choice. I agree that if you and your mom are both receiving retirement from social security and living in her home, you should be able to make it financially. I am assuming that you live an austere lifestyle in a home that is either paid for or at a low payment if your parents lived there for years. You don't really give us much information to actually give you advice.
I moved my mother in with us a year ago. We live on social security, hers plus ours. When she passes, we will be back to ours. I retired a few months after she moved in because she needed more care than I could give while working a job. We do not eat out, we do not order in, we do not waste a penny and we make it work. I have 4 siblings out of state and do not consider it their responsibility to help me financially.
You have choices and they are yours to make. If you are still able to work and cannot survive financially without working, then you should go to work. You can hire respite if needed or you can move her to an assisted living facility. We don't really know what her situation is either so don't really know what else to suggest.
I do not mean to sound cruel or uncaring, but the drama in your posting makes it hard for me, and maybe others, to find the compassion you seem to be looking for. We cannot condemn your sister without knowing much more.
I do wish you the best and hope you find clarity.
If Mom is happy with the situation than no problem. You have that Mom has Dementia? I would not ask sister for another cent. If you are able to leave Mom home, then even a p/t job would bring in some money. You are in a job that is flexable and if an RN the money is good.
Or mom lives at home, needs occasional support and transport to doc appointments and you retired so as to be available all the time "just in case"?
What will happen when mom passes away? Will your own retirement be adequately funded by your own SS and pension?
We have so many posters here who quit work to caregive and are rendered homeless and destitute when their elderly parent dies.
I don't see why your sister should be contributing to mom's upkeep. Doesn't mom have SS and perhaps a pension and savings? Did she plan for her old age?
I am a retired nurse taking care of mom( we live together). I have a very jealous sister who also has a boyfriend and both have been after me for a few years now to go back to work. Moms fridge went and she needed more groceries 2-3 times (they helped) but it was not without my getting read the royal riot act. Sis screamed at me on the phone (yes actually screamed) “ mom and dad have carried you their whole lives and I’m SICK of it! You need to step up to the plate and get a JOB!!!- I’m NOT going to pay for anything any MORE!!! And Don’t argue with me cuz I’ll WIN!!!” So I said “those were mom’s bills-“ she then stated, “You LIVE there ,so YOU Benefit!!!” I just handed the phone to mom... Feeling flushed I had to try to calm myself down...Needless to say I woke up early with an asthma attack and had to take my inhaler...
(Her boyfriend hinted about laziness (the last time they visited) to my face, and I told him “I’m not lazy!” he just disregarded it.. So, sis waited a few days and asked me in a text msg “are you working yet??”
I said “yep-got a job Thursday”- I have not heard from her since- Thank God for that...I did get a great paying job but don’t want to take it as
I feel now is not the time to be going back to work. I felt very weird even going to the interview...
Even my cousin told me long ago that “your sister needs to get off her A— and help your mother financially- your mother helped her all these years.... I was all set up to have my own non medical Homecare agency and work it out of the house.. sis’ boyfriend stated he had 9 businesses and there’s too much liability
and that I needed a paycheck like yesterday...and not to do it...I thought well maybe they are right but
Mom thinks because sis is greedy and works a lot that she’s afraid she will have to contribute again
financially... So far mom has had a zillion surgeries
Including open heart and I’ve been there through them all...and while I know caregiving is not for everyone, sis could have at least come help
with vacuuming (dad used to get mad when he was alive) she told me “You can get a tel e health job and work from home and Still take care of mom”!!!!! Really?!! I am so angry and still not over being screamed at... I told sis’ boyfriend “somebody’s
gotta be here - and since mom doesn’t want anyone else to come in from an agency I know moms conditions best and drs, meds, etc... Our parish priest said “you need to have a talk with your sister”. I said she won’t listen.. I’ve worked as a nurse for many years while in Mass. and sis lived in Calif., and she never bothered with me only to start trouble between my mother and me by calling and complaining how I was spending mom’s money when it was her husband at the time borrowing from my dad to build three houses (which they would lose one by one due to his alcoholism...) So it’s a lot of baggage.. mom said sis is jealous- yet she lives in a mansion- has tons of money in the bank, is much healthier, stronger, (muscular) and prettier than I am- yet she’s jealous of me because I live with mom... it’s just ridiculous... I know I have to meet with her at some point but I’m trying to plan it so I don’t get screamed at... I want to text her and say “now that I got this job you don’t bother speaking to me anymore..” But I am not going to waste my time...I told her I forgave her for the screaming and I could never hate her but I refuse to be around her unless I truly have to...I am on the fence about this job..Anyone else who has dealt with a jealous (probably narcissistic) sister, any thoughts would be indeed appreciated..(sis’ husband passed on a few years ago..) I worry after mom passed that I am going to have to deal with a lot of abuse and possibly legal issues regarding moms house..even though mom is leaving it to me, I feel that sis may fight it and try to get it sold somehow.. I moved back with my folks in 2010 as they both needed open heart surgery at the same time! Thanks for reading this