Signs of dementia. Am I alone in not liking my mum anymore?

It's no fun to be around someone who is permanently miserable so I feel for you. I don't have any suggestions other than the likelihood of her changing is going to be nil. However you can change how it affects you. There are a lot of videos on YouTube about going "Gray Rock". Basically blending into the background as a gray rock. Be as boring, unaffected, blah as a rock. Don't respond to her complaints. She's complaining because she gets a rise out of you - it's a form of stimulation for her. If you're no fun, the game isn't interesting anymore. Do her shopping, do the gray rock, leave the house and pat yourself on the back knowing you are helping her. Stick a little unexpected treat in the bag for her each time you shop. Don't tell her about it. You may never get a thank you. But you will have satisfaction that there was a little bright spot in her grocery bag. I think it will make the chore more palatable for you though! Good luck.

Taylor
Towards the end of my moms life, she would have benefited from an antidepressant. I was able to get her to take an anxiety tablet on especially difficult days. So I do understand how you feel. The dread was horrible some days and yet I was always happy to have gotten to see my childhood home, even if it was just to clean and stock supplies. I felt elated when I left. I did go in onetime and found her asleep. Only the one time. I put the food away, did my chores and left without seeing her. That was probably at my worst. I did take it as a problem I had to do something about for myself, not just her. I had to drive three hours just to get there. So it wasn’t like I left from just around the corner.

I suppose I did do a form of gray rock in that I tried not to mention anything I didn’t want her to comment on that would be upsetting to me. I wouldn’t call on the phone unless I needed to know something. She had granddaughters and a sister to visit with on the phone.
I asked her once to not say anything ugly until she had said something nice. The next week when I came, she said, “Its good to see you .... long pause ....I guess”. I was so surprised I laughed and gave her a hug and a kiss for the effort which seemed to have been hard for her to muster and she must have been thinking about all week.
My mother was a legend in our community. A stern highly respected woman. I loved her dearly but it was not easy being her daughter.

Whether for my mom or now DH aunt, I had some basic rules. If they wanted my help, I had a say in what I was going to be willing to do. We are going to have baths through home health. I don’t give baths. We are going to have medical care and follow the doctors orders. If we don’t follow the orders why go? We need to see if the orders work before we discount them. If we don’t like the doctor, okay let’s get another. if we don’t go to the doctor, then we can’t have home health, if we don’t have home health you can’t live at home.
We are going to have a clean house. It reached a point where I decided I would no longer clean. I gave myself a promotion and became the care manager and hired someone to handle what I had done before.

They always had a choice. They might not like the choices but unless they were ready for someone else to take over, it was going to have to be a large part of what worked for me or I was out.

If there is a delivery service on the food, use it. Every little layer of help you can access is worth it. Do get away. Break the cycle. Take a walk. Visit with friends. I’m glad you posted. I hope it helps.

Taylor,

My Mom has moderate dementia. Severe depression. Anxiety.

It is soooo hard being around her. She has never been a positive person. Quite the opposite.

Problem is, I have chosen to be the one to manage her care. This means that I need to check on her once a week. It’s awful. There is absolutely nothing that doesn’t elicit a crabby response.

You are not alone. We hear you, and sympathize. We are all in some kind of crazy club that we never applied for, would never pay to keep our membership, and want like heck to be kicked out of! 😂

Your mum is not really your mum anymore. She's got issues that have changed her brain and therefore her personality. If you remember that and don't engage in her negativity but try to give a vague canned response "oh OK mom" type of thing and change the subject or just say "I need to go put the groceries away" and end the convo.

And, no, you are not alone. I don't like mine much anymore either. Being a caregiver kind of ruins relationships.

I often say, I love my mother, but I do NOT like her one little bit. I never have, since I was a little kid. I saw her act one way inside the house, kinda like Linda Blair in the Excorcist where she was throwing up pea soup, and another way outside of the house where she was all smiles and compliments. Everyone thought my mother was all sweetness & light, but I saw *and still see* a whole different side of her that most others aren't lucky enough to see. Snort.

All she says & does is cut people apart and complain. Everything is laced with misery and gloom, and this is WITH enough Wellbutrin to knock out a horse. Ain't no happy pills on earth gonna make my mother happy. She lives to complain, to be sick, miserable and nasty in general.

It's not 'just you', it's probably a good half of us who sought out support when we found AgingCare in the first place. We talk about it together, here, and normally, we find support and understanding. Unless we're lectured about "BUT, put yourself in mom's shoes, she is a very unhappy person. Juse try to put yourself in your mom's shoes, it's not a life so while she's here, try to make it a little better for her so once she is gone, they'll be no regrets.

Once a week visit for an hour or so is not asking too much.

Juse let her talk. Complain whatever she needs someone to vent to. Anyone can put up with an hour or two a week."

When we get those types of unsupportive comments, we ignore them and move along, knowing that person doesn't 'get it' at ALL. It's fine to vent, in fact, it's NECESSARY to vent, it's healthy for the soul to do so!

Do what you can for your mother and then take off. Try to let her negativity roll off of your back (as I do with my Negative Nelly mother) and that's that. Don't move in with her or have her move in with you (God forbid) and consider Assisted Living/Memory Care when her needs require placement. That's where my 94+ y/o mother lives, and I manage her life FOR her from my desktop, visit weekly, and speak daily on the phone. I set down boundaries and when she crosses the line, I tell her I need to get off the phone or I cut the visit short. My mental health matters too, just as yours does.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

Dementia has a huge affect on individuals. If you’re noticing dementia symptoms, then she’s probably suffering from it, and has suffered with it for a while. It’s common for over half of dementia sufferers to experience anosognosia, or an inability to accept their illness, so it’s no surprise to me that she refused testing. Dementia suffers typically become very childlike, so imagine that your mother is more like a 6 year old - she will be very focused on herself or egocentric, and respond emotionally to most everything.

Its not easy to care for these patients. It can be made easier if your loved one was not like this before they suffered from dementia as you can see that they have changed from the illness. My father has been struggling with dementia since, I believe, probably age 84. He’s now 90 years old. Prior to dementia he was a quiet, reserved man who would never have even thought of complaining or grumbling about things!

Dad never cried before dementia, after dementia, he would get very emotional, quite easily. Anger and crying his go to responses. He’s very blunt about what he does and doesn’t like.

I found that it’s been much easier for me since he’s moved into assisted living. I tend to come and visit during the earlier part of the day when his dementia isn’t as pronounced. Later in the day his mind is tired and he’s more grumpy and less focused. It’s also helpful that I do not have to do the primary care taking activities such as helping with; toileting, showering, helping him dress, etc.

one of the most helpful people online regarding dementia is Teepa Snow. She has spent many years developing understanding for those who are experiencing and caretaking for patients with dementia. She explains how the brain is affected by this disease and it is so helpful! I would recommend watching some of her videos when you get a chance. I also agree with the others who shared here that you need to give yourself time away. It’s important to recharge and re-energize before you visit.

I also found it helpful to watch people interact with dad who were not as emotionally connected to him as I was. They used good dementia caretaking approaches that worked and helped focus and redirect his behavior. Once I accepted the fact that this dad wasn’t the same as the old one, I was able to visit with a less “me” oriented perspective, and care for dad with love and affection even when his attitude was negative. It’s still not easy, but it’s a lot better! I don’t go every day, I usually see him every other day, and I try to bring treats that he enjoys. Good luck with your mum! I hope you can eventually find some joy in serving her.

You do know that groceries can be ordered on line and delivered right?
What other things other than shopping are you doing for your mom that allow her to live alone? If you did not do those things what would happen?
You say in your profile that she has dementia but in your post she refuses to get tested.
It is possible that many of the things that you list that are "wrong" can be a result of depression. Would she see her doctor for other reasons if she were not going to be tested for dementia? If so depression is a good reason to have her see her doctor.
If nothing else this is another case where unfortunately it is a matter of waiting for some catastrophic incident to happen that will bring her to the hospital. At that point if you feel strongly about it you can say that she can not be safely discharged to her home as she has no one to help care for her full time. She would be sent to rehab and if she does not improve she may be in Skilled Nursing or Memory Care after rehab.
The other option to Skilled Nursing or Memory Care is that you become her full time,. 24/7/367 caregiver.

OH, do not respond to negative comments. If she does have dementia she is not going to change, if she does not have dementia you can tell her "I do not like it when you talk like that, if it continues I will leave" and then leave if it continues. Same with the phone hang up.

MY MOTHER IN-LAW HAS VIOLENT DEMENTIA & IS ALWAYS CROSS WITH EVERYONE...WE HAVE TO TIE HER HANDS TO THE ARMS OF THE DINING CHAIR SO THAT WE CAN FEED HER..OTHERWISE SHE LASHES OUT TO SMACK OR PUNCH YOU..WHEN SHE GET HOLD OF YOUR ARM..YOU KNOW THE SOFT SECTION,THATS IT!!!YOU BLUE & BLACK,EVEN BLEEDING SOMETIMES...SO WE HAVE TO KEEP HER FINGER NAILS AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE...
THE WORDS THAT COME OUT HER MOUTH IS SO BAD,NOBODY COMES TO VISIT HER ANYMORE..MY GRANDCHILDREN ARE SCARED TO EVEN GREET HER,AND SHE JUST SWEARS THEM & CALLED THEM UGLY THINGS..
SOME PEOPLE WILL THINK WE ARE CRUEL BUT ITS NOT AN EASY SITUATION TO HANDLE...

I FEEL FOR ALL OF YOU EVEN THOUGH I AM JUST THE
64 YEAR OLD SON IN-LAW.....

I totally get what you're saying.  Every one of my moms less than desirable character flaws moved to the forefront of her personality.  I really did not like her at all.  We are on year ten of her dementia and things have mellowed a bit, but it was challenging in the earlier stages.

Seems like mom has lost her social filter, whatever she thinks she says. It is hard to see this side of a person. Since it distresses you (and it would distress me too!), please consider reading any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. Put their strategies into practice.