Need ideas to help communicate with my mother, who is like hugging a cactus. She was diagnosed with dementia and alzheimers.

I guess I needed to vent. Today I am having a meeting because my Father called him, theny brother called me. My brother is never involved, he is an RN and is actually coming over today to help me discuss things with them.

Prayers needed

What I have found with my 94+ year old mother who is suffering from moderately advanced dementia is this: there is a huge communication breakdown lately that's getting worse instead of better, no matter how hard I try to make it better. Dementia robs a person of the ability to be reasonable, the ability to be lovable, and makes everything a thousand times harder than ever before. I'm finding it nearly impossible to maintain a relationship with my mother these days, and we're growing even further apart than ever before as she gets harder & harder to deal with. If I say black, she says white; if I agree with her that it's white, she'll say it's gray. It's a no win situation, to put it mildly. She lives in Memory Care Assisted Living, however, so I can limit my contact with her.

I think it's every elder's 'wish' to 'age in place' and stay in their own home until death. This is not always reasonable or doable, however, and adjustments have to be made sometimes, especially when dementia/ALZ is involved and when you have no help and are fading fast. What happens if YOU have to be hospitalized from stress related disease? Then what? Who takes care of the house and the parents then? You have to get help now so you'll have Plan B in place for if/when an emergency crops up. You need respite so you don't get sick and/or burn out, which is also a very real possibility. I hope your dad is really thinking about moving into an ALF or managed care of some kind with mom, that would be IDEAL! Fingers crossed for that to work out!!!!

You say "I know what's involved and I know it's not going to get easier. I am working on figuring things out." When you took care of your grandparents, you were younger. Things change when age sets in and limitations are reached and exceeded. Know when to cry uncle. Know when it's time to ask for help and hire it. I agree with KathleenQ, by the way, that the demented elders always act MUCH nicer with hired help than they do with their own family members!!! I see it ALL the time with my mother who treats me like a dirty dish rag and the CGs at her MC like solid gold!!!

Stop expecting any real communication from your mother who's no longer capable of it and step back a bit; do what you can for her and let your dad tell her No.

It's got to be a hugely overwhelming task you've taken on for the past 18 years and I don't know how you're doing it alone. I pray you can get some hired help in, at the very least, b/c it's too much for one human being to handle. Even Superwoman wouldn't be able to manage this! I'm worn out from a one hour visit with my mother at her MC on Sunday's; I'd have lost my mind by now if I were in your shoes. Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

Agree that YOU need help. Hire a caregiver and watch your Mom behave! Hugging a cactus- has that always been part of your relationship with her? Then don’t e pect it to change or to receive any gratitude. Just bring in a stranger and give yourself some time off.

Who is the PoA for each of your parents? If it is not you, then this person needs to be informed to step up and step in. If no one is their PoA then you will need to allow the county to have guardianship of them. They will get the care they need and their affairs managed and you will get your life back. You cannot keep going like you've been doing. Also, your brothers are under no obligation to help unless they are the PoAs. You could inform them that you're resigning your caregiving and see how they react when they understand that guardianship by the county would mean that there's no longer any involvement or transparency into your parents affairs by their children. You should maybe speak with social services first to see if your parents can have an in-home assessment to see if they qualify for any help. I wish you much success in getting control of the situation. May you receive peace in your heart no matter what happens.

You are doing waaaay too much! You are going to crash and burn. They need more help than you can give them. Are they both in such bad shape that they can do nothing to help out? If that is true, which is quite possible, then you really need to hire some help that your parents pay for.

Good luck getting some of your life back.

Communicate what exactly? If you are trying to get her to understand that you can't keep going on the way you have been or are looking for some kind of affirmation or empathy then that isn't likely to happen, she has dementia and her brain is broken. I don't think anyone can work full time and look after a home with two demented parents, it's time to either hire outside help (with mom and dad's money, not yours) or move your parents into a facility.