My 84 year old next door neighbor has dementia and it has gotten much worse over the last year. We live in a 55+ apartment building. Advice?

Just want to add that we don't always have to "do it". I believe in pointing people in the right direction. Giving them the info they need to remain independent. If they choose not to use that info, then its on them.

We are raised to help each other but not told how much help is too much. People DO take advantage. You DO become "it" and thats not fair when their is family that can step in and resolve the problem.

I helped a friend some 10 years ago. Started with Mom. She needed someone to drive her to out of town appts because she had no sight in her left eye. No problem, once maybe twice a month. Then it was driving the GF, then her daughter, then the oldest and thats where I told DH no. These people could have made choices. They could have found doctors closer to home. The daughter could have gotten a licence and drove. (Think there was some autism there but high functioning) Mom seemed to be keeping her daughter dependent on her. I stopped because of babysitting Gson.

GF died in 2013. Daughter married shortly before. Other daughter is in the Wind. Father passed in 2015. GF and Mom were only children. Dad was the youngest so most of his siblings were gone and those left were in their 90s and living in another State. Mom just died a few months back. I feel guilty for not visiting but I was afraid she would cling to me and become needy. I did not want to be at anyones beck and call. I had gson till 2014 when I had to take Mom in. She passed in 2017. I needed to just breath and have no responsibilities. Yes, and I feel a little guilty about that. We are raised to help others. But I wonder sometimes, who will be there for me.

So in your situation you have done what you could. Now someone else needs to take the reins.

So glad that your situation was resolved.

All the best!

You are doing fine, everything right to get your neighbor some help.

Be patient. It is a dangerous situation for your neighbor, and the people living there.

When my neighbor had reached this point:

After- APS came and interviewed her in her underwear.
After-the Fire Dept. informed me that she would have to call 911 herself, or
basically fall and 911 would come, but until then, they could not do anything.
After- she is at my door again, my dH answers and says wait; and she follows him (smoking a cigarette) to my bedroom where I am asleep.
After- her son was stopped just outside and the problem was described to him.
After- sharing with all the neighbors, hoping for some help for her.

Then, after- she falls, and 911 took her away. She was later placed in a Board & Care home by her son, never returning home again. Too bad they waited that long.

What did I do?

On the day she fell, I told her that I would not help her anymore, and that the symptoms she was having were like a heart attack, and she needed medical care. She went home, and 4 hours later, 911 was there because she fell outside and a neighbor saw her and called 911.

Sometimes, if we are always there for someone needing more care, help does not come unless we back off trying to help. That is a hard position to take.

Hands off approach may work for you.

It has been nice of you to help her but as you know, it is not your responsibility. It is way too much for you to do.

I'm also glad you called APS and that things are going to be taken care of. Real soon. This poor woman needs help and it is sad that her family is not ready to help her get what she needs to be safe.

Thanks so much for the update.

So glad you called APS. You could have saved more than just her life, thereby. Thanks for being a good neighbor.

Just an update. I called APS and they are going to do a check. I have been dealing with this everyday over a two week period and today is the next day after I called. My neighbor has not knocked on my door today at all. I was able to get the daughters phone number. I called several times over the weekend but she never picked up. I was hoping they would come here but no one did. So I gave it to APS. Not a moment too soon as last night I and three others witnessed my neighbor take a swing at another tenant last night. It didn’t make contact but the tenant told me they were making a complaint.

For this lady's safety, you need to call APS.

Her family may have tried to "reason" with her and been shown the door (by her).

Thanks for answering. I feel terrible for doing this but someone needs to help her. We have had two minor fires in the complex in the past year and I am hoping to avoid another one. And I don’t want my neighbor to get hurt of course.

Yes! By all means call them right away. Do you have her family members phone number? You could give that to the APS.
You say the family knows. How is it that you know that? Have you spoken to them already? If your neighbor told you that, she may be right but she could also be wrong. Her brain is obviously broken.
You could also call the police and ask for a wellness check and they might be able to call the family and APS for faster action. Usually the police have a non emergency number you can call to discuss things with.
Let us know what works to get some action taken. You sound like a good neighbor.

Yes, you should call Adult Protection Services, tell them what you said here, that should be enough for them to do a welfare check.