Temporary issue making caregiving impossible. Advice?

Mom is really not that old. My DH is 74 and very capable to do things on his own

Well, brother can't have it both ways. He can't b _ _ _h and then when given a suggestion say "that's the way it is". And is it incontinence or Mom just can't hold it. They call it explosive bowels. Incontinence to me is where your brain no longer gives the body signals. The person has no idea they need to go.

Once Mom has this surgery, I think she will need rehab. Hiring a CNA will not help because they are not medically trained and I doubt would know the signs of something not just right. She will need nursing staff. But, this you could ask her doctor. What are we looking at after the surgery? Is rehab recommended or can she recoup at home? I would think pain would be a problem and managed better in rehab. If rehab is recommended and brother chooses to bring her home than thats his decision and he should stop the b _ _ _ _ ing. And I would tell him that. He chooses to bring her home when he has an option than you don't want to hear it.

You do what you can but I would not stress yourself out. I would not be going during a work day. 6 hr round trip, talk about stress. Maybe drive to her after work on Friday and come back Sunday. Take vacation time. Ask work about family leave. Suggest brother find help. Seems you up against two stubborn people and one is also selfish. Mom is not considering how her decisions effect the ability of her children to carry them out.

First stop thinking this is a temporary situation. Time to rethink and have a long term plan. Things are not going to go back to your vision of “normal”. Your new “normal” is going to be an everchanging situation where flexibility in decision making is going to be a top priority. There is no perfect answer. Everyone’s situation is different. Let the main goal be the safety of your mother. Keeping this goal in mind can help make some difficult decisions that are going to make you feel guilty. Just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. Hugs to you all. Also make sure that whoever in the family decides to be the caregiver, that person makes sure that they maintain their own selfcare. You can still be a very effective advocate for your loved one even if they are in a AL or NH. This site is a great place to vent and get ideas. Keep us updated.

Your brother needs a serious break and outside hired help coming to your mom's home.
You don't mention anything about mom having dementia, so that will make the job of hired caregivers a lot easier.
Her insurance might cover a few hours a week of homecare. Take it. Then hire privately for more coverage. If there's someone coming seven days a week, this will be a big help to your mom and brother.

I don't honestly think that this sounds temporary. Your mother apparent has no dementia and no POA to take over the decisions, but for now, whether temporarily or permanently, she needs to be in care, either assisted living or nursing home or SNF. She has medical issues, and the latter may be an option. Your sibling is clearly overwhelmed with the care.
You can either take a leave of absence from work (if you truly believe this is temporary or not, full time care needs is on the horizon, especially with the metastasis of the cancer. Your brother doesn't wish to/isn't capable of doing that and he is doing all he can to let you know) or you can enter Mom into care for now. This is not a matter of what she wants or not.
If I were your brother I would leave this situation. Then care would be hired or Mom would be placed. I am so sorry, but it sounds as though she is getting quite ill indeed and as though she needs solid 24/7 care.

Family meeting time. Is there a reason outside help isn't being used?

It's the rare person who WANTS to leave their home of many decades to live and be cared for by strangers. The majority in a SNF don't want to be there. But that's what's available.

Look into respite care and/or home care. Brother needs a break, probably a longer one than he thinks. Neither of you need to (literally) kill yourselves taking care of Mom. Let the professionals do it - in her home or a (preferably small) AL or SNF facility.

Perhaps the way to approach this issue is "how to MAKE caregiving at home possible?"  and take it from there.

One thought would be to spend the 3 weeks in rehab, where there are more staff acquainted with management of liquid nutrition.   I suspect this might be beyond your brother's level of caring.

If her doctor prescribed rehab for proper administration of liquid nutrition, perhaps the idea could be "sold" as preparing her for the next step (and a better outcome). 

My father wasn't enthused about rehab after an extended hospital stay, or after hip fractures that occurred in the future.    But he responded positively to competent nurses, and especially to PT.  So every day was a step toward returning home.  

And I mobilized his friends so that he had frequent visitors.    That might be something to consider, locating a local church that might send visitors to combat the loneliness.

I doubt if treating this as a vacation would be accepted by her, but it may be the best option.    I don't have the impression that your brother is ready to handle this step-up in care.  

This might be one time when Mom has to consider living away from home long enough to positively affect and improve her outcome and future.

Alternately, ask her doctor and staff about the possibility of in-home care during the 3 week period.   She'd still be at your brother's house (presumably) but they could both have some relief with medical people present.  

If her doctor agrees, ask his/her staff for recommendations on home care, then begin calling to find a companythat suits you and your brother, and hopefully when initiated, your mother as well.