Mom has covert narcissism, depression and is scheduled to be released from a nursing home soon. She's difficult at best. Advice?

If she is compos mentis then your POA isn't worth the paper it is written on - she gets to decide. If not then you do. But if she isn't then she needs to be in a facility and that is what I would arrange for her. You don't have to do any more than that - either she needs to be in a care environment or she has control of her life and you don't have to get involved. Just plan your couple of weekend a month visits, say nothing and leave her to get on with it - she is an adult. Don't let her historic treatment of you put a guilt burden on your shoulders, and don't play the martyr for her benefit. If she is being manipulative then leave her to it and look after you first.

What people are making decisions for her care? Do you mean people you as POA hired? It isn't up to them to know your background or question. That's not their job.
As to being POA for your Mom, I would not serve this function for an uncooperative woman who abused me. I did this for my beloved brother. It was a job! And he was the best guy ever.
I would talk to an elder law attorney about hiring a fiduciary to handle bills and finances. They get paid out of her funds. I would not continue as POA unless Mom was in care. If she is incapable you can report her as an elder in need to APS after resigning as her POA. Many people do not have children. They are on their own in these things. Eventually the state takes guardianship. As far as I am concerned that should be the result of abusing children, as well. They are simply not "there" when finally needed.
That's my own opinion and many will disagree. I feel no obligations by blood, only by love and caring.
I wish you the best. I think that if your Mother has any competence left at all you might consider sitting with her and telling her her options where your own "services" to her are concerned. But that's just me. Whatever your choices for your own life I do so wish you good luck.

You need to to calmly but firmly tell her that you will not go along with her plan. And that she is not to speak to you in such a manner. And turn around and walk away. Don’t pick up the phone every time she calls. To me, it sounds like some of her behavior is dementia starting to layer on top of her personality disorder. But I’m no doctor! You need to speak to the discharge team and let them know that it is an unsafe discharge and you are not able to care for her. That you work (and need to work) and live at a distance. That there is no one else. That she doesn’t take her medications, refuses caregivers, and has no concept of her current condition. That if she is discharged back home she will be at risk and will end up back at the hospital. The discharge team will be happy to shift the burden on you - but stand your ground.

Your mother sounds exactly like my mother. Unfortunately I had to wait until she declined to a point where she no longer had capacity. I contacted APS to report my concerns so those concerns were on record (they did nothing). My mother was recycled through the hospital, to rehab and back home to rot before any action to keep her safe could be taken.

My advice is to try and take care of yourself and not be sucked into this endless pit of negativity. This could be a long journey and it’s just the beginning. Think hard and long about taking on her POA. Believe me if I had known, I would have taken a look at having a state guardian take over. Get some counseling and set strong boundaries. The stress will make you crazy and take a toll on your physical health. And keep us posted.

A few things. Having POA paperwork in place is different from the POA being active/usable. Many POAs do not become effective unless the person is permanently or temporarily incompetent, as judged by one or more doctors. If that is your case, until the POA is invoked you can't make her do anything. This is extremely frustrating, at least it is for me with my personality disordered mother, but it also kind of sets you free. You can't legally make a competent adult do something they don't want to, even if they're making dumb decisions that threaten their own health and safety.

The good side of this is she can't make you do anything either. Cut your visits down to what is manageable for you. I went from visiting weekly to not having seen her in person for years. She's still chugging along, firing any caregivers well meaning family hires, and just being a generally whiny person who won't listen to reason. When she neglects herself to the point that she needs a trip to the hospital that's when you can step in and try to get some better care in place. Until then you can work on your own boundaries. Decide what's best for you, balancing your desire to be a "good person" with caring for yourself too.

Call the Social Worker at the Nursing Home and inform them that you do NOT live with mom and that you are resigning your POA due to her abuse.

Ask that they facilitate emergency guardianship by the state, or, if they deem her competent to run her own affairs, that you will not be involved in any way.

There will be NO solution as long as others think YOU are the solution (quoting Beatty)

You mentioned dad - do they live together? What is his condition? Can he provide any care for her or is he in need?

As long as no one has deemed her incompetent, there's not a lot you can do. Even the POA wouldn't be active, as you noted (per the bank.) That includes using it to hire people (if they are being paid from her funds - you shouldn't be using your own!)

You can't "place" her, you can't stop her from being discharged (she can discharge herself.) You CAN refuse to do anything that she needs done, including providing a ride home. Let her or the NH arrange that - you aren't available, period!

I wouldn't recommend revoking the POA yet. At some point you may need it and it will be legit, but if she's not competent, she wouldn't be able to assign it at that point.

So, let her go home. Let her make stupid mistakes. Let her get rid of all her "help." None of these are considered being "incompetent." Plenty of people ruin their own lives making stupid mistakes. In the meantime, stop going there. We can't force another person to do what we would prefer and there's no point to making yourself miserable along with her. If she needs food/supplies, she can hire a taxi or equivalent or have it delivered.

Until/unless she's deemed incompetent, your hands are tied. Even with dementia we can't force them to do what we want, like moving to facility (per our EC atty.) I would stay away. At the most, I might, if she tones it down, help with the food/supply delivery, and maybe a ride to medical appts now and then, but it might take some time before I'd commit to that! My mother (early dementia) wouldn't let the aides in (only 1hr/day to check on her and meds, nothing else!) She could get nasty when she wanted, but generally she appreciated me helping (we took the car away, that didn't go well!) I live 1.5 hrs from where she was, so I know how taxing it is to make multiple trips! I REALLY burned out dealing with the condo after she moved to MC (2.75 YEARS of multiple trips/week!)

My sons had that issue with their dad. They informed the nursing home that neither of them was equipped to care for him and the NH would be responsible if they discharged him without arrangements. In spite of pretty extreme pressure, the boys stood their ground and refused to take either financial or physical responsibility for him. (PS - This had nothing to do with their feelings for their father - they simply were not in a position to give him the kind of care he needed)

I’m not clear on who’s making decisions on her care, other than you? If there’s a car she owns, use your POA to sell it immediately. Provide no defense or attempted justification for doing so, or for any other decisions you make in her best interests. There are a number of caregivers here that provide care from a distance that’s safe for their own health, a wise choice for you. Please decide now not to take another minute of abuse. The minute is starts leave, or get off the phone. Make your own choices about what you will and won’t do, sounds like you’re off to a good start with the decision to limit visits. She will need more help, and you not trying to be all the answers will ultimately show her that she needs more help other than you. And know that calling APS is an option if she becomes in a dangerous position. I wish you calm and peace

God help you if you allow her to come home. Look at how she is behaving now and when you stop her from doing certain things, it will be hell for you. Have her placed immediately and do NOT allow her to come home. You will be very sorry if you don't listen and take her in.

I had my mothers probate lawyer meet with her, go over what her doctor recommended, and he had her sign a letter, after finally agreeing to remain in assisted living because she required 2 aides.
Wheelchair and oxygen but she’s going to do all these activities.
Her long term home care insurance would not pay for 2 aides, and she’s more apt to listen to a male attorney, then family, due to her narcissism.
She said the exact same delirious things.
It’s very wearing on the spirit so take time for you-