My mom has been in a memory unit at an AL facility for a few weeks with early stage dementia. Have you ever second guessed your decision?

My Mom passed her physical exams with flying colors, but failed her mental tests MISERABLY. Because of this, some people don't think she even needs assistance. She does, badly. We have no idea how to get her there. The more they need help, the harder it seems to be to get them help. Caring for our elders is a huge responsibility, and you're right to be thinking carefully about your choices, but this is one place where it sounds like you did the right thing at the right time. Don't look back. This is the best thing for her and for you. She will adjust, it'll just take her mind longer than for a healthy person.

You are doing the best you can. Mom is safe and has a good meal. She will make friends and she will have activities. You are going to miss her and she will miss you. She probably is not as unhappy as you imagine. You will have to let go of that guilt so on your visit day you will be at your best....trust me been there with my mom. Cannot say I coped very well but looking back I see that all the guilt and sadness I had could have been better spent on more positive memories. If you are not happy with the AL move her to one closer to you. Maybe if you could visit more often you both would feel better. Moms and daughters ...we are so connected at the heart.

I went to see my 94 year old mother today who lives in Memory Care Assisted Living as well. As I listened to her complain about not belonging there, I reminded her she's fallen 34x since being transferred to MC 24 months ago and becoming wheelchair bound. She does belong there, even though she may be a bit more "high functioning" than some of the other residents, she still has moderately advanced dementia and needs a TON of help. She can't work the phone or the tv remote control, yet insists she can cook and clean! None of them are high functioning, in reality, which is why they're living with 24/7 teams of help at their disposal. The sadness comes from the fact our mother's have dementia and are in rough shape, not from misguided guilt over keeping them safe and well cared for in Memory Care. What I said to my mother today is that she longs for the days when she was 60 and mobile, running around and having parties, feeling good with robust health. That's where the grief comes from.....but those days are gone now and we deal with what is instead of wishing for what once was. How they cope with their situation is individual and not something we can fix or change, you know? Sure, we're sad for them, but this is life on life's terms and I'm grateful my mother has the funds for memory care right now.

In her case, if everything in life isn't 100% perfect and completely to her specifications, she's miserable. Meaning, she's miserable no matter where she lives, no matter what she does or who she's with. That's her personality which can't be fixed. I know shes safe and well cared for, so I'm happy in that knowledge and not feeling guilty at all.

Allow your mother time to adjust and make a few friends. To develop a routine, too. And remember you're her sounding board so she'll vent to you every tiny thing that's not perfect. My suggestion is to set up a monthly phone meeting with the nurse in charge or the executive director to see how your mom is really doing. From their side of things. I call it fact checking. My mother weaves some tall tales spun with exaggerations that are outright lies. The phone calls help me make sense of it all and gain perspective. Mom will say she's crying in her room all day and the ED will tell me she's outside in the garden every morning after breakfast from 10 to 12 and then doing crafts. She will send me a photo even! Mom likes to play the guilt card. Hard.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward knowing you made a good decision