I have a physically disabled 31 yr old nephew. He, for now, is able ypto be on his own. He has given me immediate POA in financials and Springing in his Medical. He has a neurological disorder that will cause Dementia maybe sooner than later. I am 71. I will not be able to care for him when this happens. His Mom has died and he has no siblings. I do not expect my daughters, 5 and 13 yrs his seniors, to care for him. So for now I have made him as independent as possible. Hopefully, I have set up an agency that will help him when needed a SW here in town who knows him well.
If you haven't looked into them, there are resources out there for people with challeges. What happens to brother if something happens to you.
If verbal abuse is present stop all interactions with him as soon as it starts. Stand up, and walk away, or hang up the phone.
No form of abuse is acceptable, regardless of whether the person is elderly or not. You're not in the world for his entertainment, and if he can't entertain himself, too bad
It’s sad that he’s lonely. I am so sorry that he isn’t pleasant to be around. Have any senior centers opened up in your area? I don’t know what the COVID situation is in your area. Some may still be closed. Senior centers have lunch and he could meet others.
I think you just answered your own question, when you gave us more details below. Your dad is just lonely, and the fact that he looks to you for everything, explains a lot. You cannot be your dads everything, nor should you want to be. Since he is in good financial standing, and good health, why doesn't he move into an independent living facility, or assisted living facility?(which ever would apply) That way he would be around people his own age, and would be able to socialize to his hearts content, if and when he wanted to. And if he's not open to that, then you're just going to have to set some boundaries with him, as your brother takes up a lot of your time, and you must also make time for yourself. You do not owe your dad anything. Remember that. He's just needing to be around more people, and a facility sounds like the perfect answer. Good luck.
Maybe a few details about the brother you are caring for. Is he able to live in a Group Home? Is the care you give him 24/7/365? At this point for your dad can you get him involved in a Senior Center? It sounds like at this point he does not need 24/7 care. BUT.. The time will come soon that he may not be able to be left alone. You are going to have to make a decision to keep him in his home with caregivers or place him in Memory Care if he needs that. Would it be possible to get him interested in Independent Living or Assisted Living at this time? He would be more involved and as he needs more help it will be there for him. If he resists this you have to make a decision as to how much you can continue to do for both. Boundaries, important word to know as a caregiver.
More details. He is 80 and in good health, starting to struggle with memory. Very few meds, HTN, High Cholesterol, etc. He lives alone. I think is biggest problem is loneliness. Example, He wants to go to lunch, I am fine with this, but his lunches take 3 hours... But, he can be unkind, verbal abuse; very hard to be around. This is not new behavior! I am one of 4 daughters, the youngest. But he looks to me for EVERYTHING! I am his POA, he is in good financial standing. My brother's care is state paid. His care consumes me. My dad is jealous of the time I spend with him. TRUST me, not how I enjoy spending my time.
Without some details it is difficult for US to tell, as well. Only you know your father's medical condition. I will also say that it doesn't really matter WHAT his needs are, it only matters if you are able to be the answer to his needs, and it does sound as though you have just run smack into your own limitations. Let your Dad know that you can't do it, but that you are willing to help him decide what options he has moving forward for himself. And keep in mind what Beatty says: "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are all of the solutions".
For best suggestions please provide more details: - how old is your dad - do you live together (if so, are you in his house or he in yours?) Or, does he live in a house by himself? Is he local to you? - are you his PoA? Is anyone? - has he ever been diagnosed with cognitive impairment or memory issues? - does he have any other health issues? Is he on meds for any of them? - what kind of help is he asking for or seeming to need help with? - do you have any sense of his financial resources (to pay for increased care since you are already caring for your brother)
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If you haven't looked into them, there are resources out there for people with challeges. What happens to brother if something happens to you.
No form of abuse is acceptable, regardless of whether the person is elderly or not. You're not in the world for his entertainment, and if he can't entertain himself, too bad
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Take care.
You cannot be your dads everything, nor should you want to be. Since he is in good financial standing, and good health, why doesn't he move into an independent living facility, or assisted living facility?(which ever would apply) That way he would be around people his own age, and would be able to socialize to his hearts content, if and when he wanted to.
And if he's not open to that, then you're just going to have to set some boundaries with him, as your brother takes up a lot of your time, and you must also make time for yourself. You do not owe your dad anything. Remember that.
He's just needing to be around more people, and a facility sounds like the perfect answer. Good luck.
Is he able to live in a Group Home?
Is the care you give him 24/7/365?
At this point for your dad can you get him involved in a Senior Center?
It sounds like at this point he does not need 24/7 care.
BUT..
The time will come soon that he may not be able to be left alone. You are going to have to make a decision to keep him in his home with caregivers or place him in Memory Care if he needs that.
Would it be possible to get him interested in Independent Living or Assisted Living at this time? He would be more involved and as he needs more help it will be there for him.
If he resists this you have to make a decision as to how much you can continue to do for both.
Boundaries, important word to know as a caregiver.
He lives alone.
I think is biggest problem is loneliness. Example, He wants to go to lunch, I am fine with this, but his lunches take 3 hours... But, he can be unkind, verbal abuse; very hard to be around. This is not new behavior!
I am one of 4 daughters, the youngest. But he looks to me for EVERYTHING!
I am his POA, he is in good financial standing.
My brother's care is state paid. His care consumes me. My dad is jealous of the time I spend with him. TRUST me, not how I enjoy spending my time.
I will also say that it doesn't really matter WHAT his needs are, it only matters if you are able to be the answer to his needs, and it does sound as though you have just run smack into your own limitations. Let your Dad know that you can't do it, but that you are willing to help him decide what options he has moving forward for himself. And keep in mind what Beatty says: "There will be no solutions as long as YOU are all of the solutions".
- how old is your dad
- do you live together (if so, are you in his house or he in yours?) Or, does he live in a house by himself? Is he local to you?
- are you his PoA? Is anyone?
- has he ever been diagnosed with cognitive impairment or memory issues?
- does he have any other health issues? Is he on meds for any of them?
- what kind of help is he asking for or seeming to need help with?
- do you have any sense of his financial resources (to pay for increased care since you are already caring for your brother)
Thanks