In laws are having separate memorial for deceased son. Thoughts?

In my opinion funerals/memorials are for the living, they are meant to be rituals that give comfort and meaning to those left behind. I'm not sure why it is so upsetting that they are unable to attend the official ceremony and want to have some closure and a little memorial of their own, I don't see any disrespect here.

Real memorial? They want to have a small memorial for their son. That will be real to them.

lovinghb - You lost your husband, but your in-laws lost their son. Losing a child is the worst pain anyone can have. Imagine yourself in their shoes, then perhaps you will understand.

I am sorry for your loss.

No this isn't odd. Of course they would want to honor their son in some way, especially when they can no longer travel due to their health.
I think that you are now dealing with the grief of losing your husband, and planning your memorial service for him, that you're forgetting that he was their son as well as your husband.
Now that doesn't mean that you nor your son have to attend if you don't want to. Or you can attend by Zoom, if that is easier for you. But by all means let them say goodbye to their son in whatever way they see fit. They are grieving too.
I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God will grant you His peace and comfort in the days and weeks ahead.

Losing a child I'd argue is the worst type of death possible. If that is his parents way of honoring him and grieving I dont understand the controversy.

So it sounds to me like this is for a total of 4 family members who live across the country, and can't attend the main service , to remember you husband and find some peace? I actually think this is very sweet. Why would your hubs hate this small service? Does your family not get along with the ILs?

Memorials are not for the dead; they're to comfort those left behind. My very religious husband will be praying all over the place for his wife the atheist, and that's OK. I won't be there.

As mentioned by others, they've lost their son, and that's no doubt devastating for them. You lost your husband, and your son lost his dad. Everyone has their own particular brand of grief to endure, and it'd be kind for you to all be supportive of one another rather than feel like it's a competition or not what your husband would have wanted. No one's grief is bigger than anyone else's, although I'd give your son the edge because he had the least amount of time with him.
Be kind, always.

I'm sorry for everyone's loss.

Your situation is complicated as your husband was in a separate state receiving care in a nursing home. That may deepen your loss at this difficult time.

You are needing to grieve your loss. And supporting your son through this will be difficult.

It is not unusual for in-laws to have their own memorial service. But why are they pressuring your son? What do they want from him? And how does that differ from what you want for him?

Notice the difference: They might want something from your son.
You might want something for your son. We don't know anyone's motivations.

Focus on your own grief, and anger, not allowing any of this to interfere with the relationship between you and your son. In other words, I wish you peace about it.

Again, sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. They lost their son, which is incredibly sad also. Why is it a problem for them to have their own memorial?

Be glad that they are choosing to remember their son. This isn’t taking away from your memorial service. It’s fine to have two of them. I truly feel that your husband is at peace now and certainly wouldn’t mind this at all.

Wishing you peace during this difficult period in your time.

I’m guessing that you don’t get on with the inlaws, and don’t like what you think is going to be in their memorial service. If it’s about religion, you may be fairly clear that your husband really would dislike it. You may be feeling that the pressure on your son is because he is male and a grandson, and it’s another way to cut you out of ‘family’.

Even if you are correct, you can’t control what they do. It may be in your son’s best interests to stay on good terms with his grandparents, so it’s probably better to let him do things his own way. But no, it’s not ‘odd’. Because of Covid, many families have been restricted to a small funeral with few people attending, and plan to have another memorial service later. Migrants sometimes have double services, so that family in both places can have a service. And I think second wedding ceremonies are a bit odd, but they still happen!

Try not to let this prey on your mind. It simply doesn’t matter.