I haven’t stopped to process how my sister’s suicide put me in instant caregiver role 5 years ago. I used to be organized, deliberate, more ‘together’, and more professional ( teacher). Now I just cry out of nowhere and I’m just sick of being the expected answer to everything for my mother. Organized? Hah. Stress eat? Medicated? Completely. There are times I just wish she would pass away so I could regain my own sanity. She was not a good mother in many ways, but am I alone in these dark thoughts? I am on my own family-wise. It’s all on me. Am I a horrible person for my thoughts?
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So I get it. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister and the predicament you find yourself in now. Wouldn't it be nice to just pack up and run away to Tahiti bad leave no forwarding address?
As long as you don't take any steps to hurry the end, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Speaking of my own situation, every time I walk into the bedroom, I hope and pray he is still breathing; and hope and pray he isn't. That is my reality and I am okay with it.
Hugs
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*hugs* I hear ya. Boy, do I hear ya!
I am so sorry that you are struggling with these thoughts. You’re obviously suffering terribly. I truly believe that you would benefit from therapy.
Sounds like you didn’t even have a chance to process the death of your sister and grieve for her. Your profile states that your mom is in an assisted living facility. How involved are you with her care? Please tell us more details so we can help you.
Please seek help for yourself.. Do whatever you need to do in order to regain your life back.
Wishing you all the best.
We care. Reach out, there is help.
Apart from your mother, who can't be expected to put other people's needs before her own (because neither could we if we had Parkinson's and depression), who's doing the expecting? Just you? Anyone else?
Do you think the sacrifice you are making to your mother's care might be one way that you are in fact processing the loss of your little sister to suicide? You don't say very much about what the caregiving involves, but I suspect the workload you're carrying might be disproportionate both to your mother's identifiable needs and to any reasonable assessment of your available time, strength, personal resources.
Wanting an ordeal to end hardly makes you horrible, does it? And just at this point, the only end you can see to your ordeal is your mother's death. There are two problems with that. First, you are not a horrible person and you do not actually want your mother to die. Second, she's 78 and in an ALF - it's very unlikely to happen any time soon.
I don't think it's cruel or monstrous to propose one goal as desirable: that your mother does not end up burying a second daughter. 30% of caregivers die before the person they care for. Let's not let that include you.
You say that your sister's death five years ago made you instantly your mother's caregiver. So - your sister was then your mother's primary caregiver, yes? And your mother was then only 73 which, these days, is barely senior. So - why?
I'm going to stop bombarding you with questions, but the aim is to look more closely at the burden you're carrying and see what part of it you can put down or hand over. Or set fire to and dance round the bonfire, even, metaphorically speaking.
I had a prayer I often said when I was caregiver for my mom. “Not too soon and not too long.” I feel no guilt for that prayer and God answered my prayer in the end, for which I am forever grateful.
It is a vicious circle.
I love my mother. And will miss her terribly when she is gone. But I am so tired.
I really know how you feel. I have been told many, many times it is normal to feel this way.
Some days are better than others.
I guess I will just keep dreaming that one day I will have my life back.
Good Luck and don’t be so hard on yourself.
She is lucky to have you!
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! My mother is horrible and I dread seeing her. She is verbally abusive and occasionally physically. I love her and do not want her to suffer. But I just can't listen to her tell me that she is going to die, come back and make my life a living hell, to get even with me for "Ruining her life." Or that I'm fat, or need a face lift before I lose my husband, or my rear end is a wide as a barn.
She is in a nice Board and Care with her own room. I make all her doctor appointments, take her to them, get her medications to the Board and care, pay all her bills, cook special treats for her, buy her sushi, etc.
I am not an evil person, I'm just tired, hurt and feel unappreciated.
So, no guilt! I'm a saint and so are you.
God Bless you, hang in there.
bless your heart
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