Am I being unreasonable?

My husband invited MY mother to live with us.

In 8 weeks, I was bedridden from the stress of it all.

Who on earth is going to take care of all of those people if YOU end up sinking?

My mother’s “facility” is like a hotel. Meals prepared. She gets to choose what she eats. Her studio apartment is cleaned at least once a week. There is a van to take those that want to, shopping, to the library, etc. She can have as many visitors as she wants to, daily. What in the world is not to like?

Say no, stamp your feet, scream and yell. Don’t give in.

Update: We sat down with my MIL and she told us she would rather stay in her own home because it’s small and she can navigate it easier. Our home is too large and too far away for her liking. So she is NOT moving in. She also said when she gets to the point that she can not get around she wants to check into a nursing home. She said I have my hands full with the children and she doesn’t want to be a burden on me. She only asks that we visit her and don’t forget she’s in there. So it seems like she has been on my side all of this time. Of course my husband was crushed she didn’t want to move in with us but she doesn’t have dementia and she knows what she wants. My only concern is her moving in is going to come up again at some point in the future especially if she’s unable to say no.

FedUp, I understand your and your husband's committment to your marriage. I suggested visiting a marital lawyer so that you could ascertain your financial standing.

Cultural stuff? Yes, I get that. Cultual background is about stories that are passed down, aphorisms that become cast in stone.

"We take care of our own"

"Nursing homes are for people whose children don't love them"

"The only people who play golf are people who don't love their wives."

"Sleepaway camp is for children whose parents don't love them".

So, which of those is true?

I was brought up on l all of those and no longer believe any of them. Families, situations and cultures change.

Update: MIL did come for a 2 week visit and it was not something I want to do again. Half of the kids were in quarantine at the time due to COVID exposure at school. She kept going to the store buying candy, soda and potato chips to share with them. We live a healthy lifestyle. We do not give junk food to the children on a regular basis. That caused conflict. My husband worked as usual. If I didn’t cook what she wanted she would cook unhealthy food or go get fast food for herself and our kids. I didnt like that. I told her we limit fast food and she said I’m only going to be a grandma once. My son ate it and he’s fine. That pissed me off. She calls extended family over to bring unhealthy food. She calls her sister over to bring cakes and pies and she’s a diabetic. She doesn’t like our dog and would put him outside and he’s not an outside dog and she’s nosey. She opened some our mail and 2 of my packages. I overheard her on the phone telling somebody she can’t spoil the kids the way she wants to because of me. We got into an argument over the youngest kids. I became so frustrated I told my husband she has got to go. She can’t stay another week. He agreed and he took her home and Im glad. I told him there is no way she’s living with us permanently. I’m not allowing it.

FUP, my grandmother lived with us when I was growing up. She was miserable.

She didn't like my dad, she didn't like the food we ate, she HATED being in the suburbs where she had no one her age to talk to.

My mom was bound and determined never to have to live with any of us. We helped her find a nice Independent Living facility where she made friends, enjoyed activities and outings. She was able to get herself to the onsite doctor and to Mass. She was happy.

Of course your husband wants everyone to be happy. But his version of happy and his mom's may not be the same thing.

And even if she DID want to move in, his FIRST obligation is to his minor kids and wife.

The consensus here seems to be moving MIL in is not a good idea for anyone. In fact, it seems unanimous. I agree.

I just want to comment on the "cultural" aspects of this situation. I highly recommend the book "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande. We are all going to die. Most of us will be old for a while before that happens. How can we assure the best quality of life for our loved ones during that period? Gawande is an American doctor, with roots in India. He talks a lot about how things have changed ALL OVER THE WORLD, that impact realistic expectations of care for the elderly. For example, "We take care of our own," might have been the best we could come up with, whether it was good for everyone or not, but "we see that our own have the best care available" might be a better approach now.

It is a very insightful and compassionate look at aging and "what matters in the end."

Maybe try video taping the pitfalls of living with people with Autism (the meltdowns?). Can you go directly to your Mil and firmly tell her that you would also have concerns for her living in such a difficult environment. And that you are already so overwhelmed that she would be expected to change an adult diaper to help out.

Then bring in a geriatric care manager to your home now, ask for an assessment of your needs, the needs of your 2 children with autism, and the prospect of adding an elderly to this mix, who cannot help out and will need care. Maybe the geriatric care manager can put some sense into your husband.
This may cost $250 - $300 for the consult, but money well spent to save your sanity and household.

Exactly Barb!

As I've mentioned before on here I am with a man of a different culture. I didn't buy into it when I first met my mate and I still don't. We can set limitations on ourselves by just bowing down to cultural expectations or decide we are individuals and can do and be what we want to be. That's what I did. I have no relationship with my in-laws and yeah it can make things complicated sometimes but I don't want to even think about the alternative.

My hubs parents are 91 and 85 years old and often say "We don't go into nursing homes in our country" It's getting complicated because they are both declining and my hubs and his sisters are going to need outside help very soon. They both drop everything and run over there at a moments notice but that won't be enough soon and the in-laws will eventually need a live in caregiver especially if they refuse to move into outside care.

I don't get involved. Does that make me selfish? No, it's called self-preservation.

The 'culture' angle comes up where I live ALL the time, with newer arrivals saying 'in our country, we look after our own'. We did here too. But life changed...

I am not for or against NHs. Probably I categorise them as 'unfortunate necessities', along with parking metres. Just aren't enough parking spots in the city & just not enough family members to go around!

Two generations ago the women took care of the babes & elders at home. Now women are better educated & most are in paid work out of home, the babes in childcare. Elders are home alone... So woman have been freed from childcare & elder care to have careers instead 🤣 yeah??

The other big point is family size. 10 kid families reduced to 2 now. Those 10 that lived close by, married young with grands all helping out... This gen is now 2 or 3, many interstate. Maybe all elder care left on one.

H3ll, my daughter could 'inheirit' 3 Aunts without children + her parents + future in-laws!

Call it cultural, or just modern civilisation - the maths just don't work imho.

PS no matter what anyone thinks about who should etc if you CAN'T do it then you CAN'T do it.

Is your husband waiting on her? Or are you doing all the work?

What time is she going home tomorrow? Don't wait too long or else she will want to stay a 'few' more days which might turn into weeks...

Perhaps, take her out to breakfast, after that drop her off at her house before noon. It might be easier to get her out of your house to eat than get her out to go home.