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FedUpWife45 Asked June 2021

Am I being unreasonable?

My husband and I are in our 40’s and we have 4 children. All are under 18 and the youngest 2 are Autistic. Now my husband has dropped the bomb on me that he wants his 75 year old mother to move in with us next month and he wants me to “help” him take care of her. He has already converted his office to a room for her even after I told him that I cant do this. My mother law and I get along fine but I would prefer if she stayed in her own home or went to an assisted living because Im caring for disabled children already and he frequently travels for work and im a stay at home mom. 2 of our children are completely non verbal and 1 is still in diapers because of the severity of his condition. It’s a lot. My husband clearly doesn’t care if it’s already overwhelming for me. He’s an only child and his mom never married and he said he feels obligated to take her in because she doesn’t have anybody else and she’s struggling financially. His mom is 300lbs and can barely walk. He said he is going to hire home health for her and it’s going to be ok but I still do not want this extra responsibility. I already have my hands full. He said I’m being unreasonable about this. It’s his mom and if he doesn’t want her in a facility, she’s not going. I just feel like this is very selfish of him to put this on me.

cxmoody Jun 2021
My husband invited MY mother to live with us.

In 8 weeks, I was bedridden from the stress of it all.

Who on earth is going to take care of all of those people if YOU end up sinking?

My mother’s “facility” is like a hotel. Meals prepared. She gets to choose what she eats. Her studio apartment is cleaned at least once a week. There is a van to take those that want to, shopping, to the library, etc. She can have as many visitors as she wants to, daily. What in the world is not to like?

Say no, stamp your feet, scream and yell. Don’t give in.

FedUpWife45 Jul 2021
Update: We sat down with my MIL and she told us she would rather stay in her own home because it’s small and she can navigate it easier. Our home is too large and too far away for her liking. So she is NOT moving in. She also said when she gets to the point that she can not get around she wants to check into a nursing home. She said I have my hands full with the children and she doesn’t want to be a burden on me. She only asks that we visit her and don’t forget she’s in there. So it seems like she has been on my side all of this time. Of course my husband was crushed she didn’t want to move in with us but she doesn’t have dementia and she knows what she wants. My only concern is her moving in is going to come up again at some point in the future especially if she’s unable to say no.
cweissp Jul 2021
So glad to hear that at least for a time your MIL doesn't want to move in with you. Just save this string somewhere that you can re-access it if you ever need it again.

Best of luck to all of you; may you all be blessed with peace, grace, love and joy.

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BarbBrooklyn Jul 2021
FedUp, I understand your and your husband's committment to your marriage. I suggested visiting a marital lawyer so that you could ascertain your financial standing.

Cultural stuff? Yes, I get that. Cultual background is about stories that are passed down, aphorisms that become cast in stone.

"We take care of our own"

"Nursing homes are for people whose children don't love them"

"The only people who play golf are people who don't love their wives."

"Sleepaway camp is for children whose parents don't love them".

So, which of those is true?

I was brought up on l all of those and no longer believe any of them. Families, situations and cultures change.
NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2021
Ooooooh, you said a mouthful! Everyone should grab a pen and paper to write those down or do it the easy way and take a screenshot. 😊

I love this response, Barb!
FedUpWife45 Sep 2021
Update: MIL did come for a 2 week visit and it was not something I want to do again. Half of the kids were in quarantine at the time due to COVID exposure at school. She kept going to the store buying candy, soda and potato chips to share with them. We live a healthy lifestyle. We do not give junk food to the children on a regular basis. That caused conflict. My husband worked as usual. If I didn’t cook what she wanted she would cook unhealthy food or go get fast food for herself and our kids. I didnt like that. I told her we limit fast food and she said I’m only going to be a grandma once. My son ate it and he’s fine. That pissed me off. She calls extended family over to bring unhealthy food. She calls her sister over to bring cakes and pies and she’s a diabetic. She doesn’t like our dog and would put him outside and he’s not an outside dog and she’s nosey. She opened some our mail and 2 of my packages. I overheard her on the phone telling somebody she can’t spoil the kids the way she wants to because of me. We got into an argument over the youngest kids. I became so frustrated I told my husband she has got to go. She can’t stay another week. He agreed and he took her home and Im glad. I told him there is no way she’s living with us permanently. I’m not allowing it.

BarbBrooklyn Jun 2021
FUP, my grandmother lived with us when I was growing up. She was miserable.

She didn't like my dad, she didn't like the food we ate, she HATED being in the suburbs where she had no one her age to talk to.

My mom was bound and determined never to have to live with any of us. We helped her find a nice Independent Living facility where she made friends, enjoyed activities and outings. She was able to get herself to the onsite doctor and to Mass. She was happy.

Of course your husband wants everyone to be happy. But his version of happy and his mom's may not be the same thing.

And even if she DID want to move in, his FIRST obligation is to his minor kids and wife.
FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
I think my mother in law would not like living with us either. She would be farther away from her friends, church, her 2 sister’s and brother’s. She’s used to city life and we live in the country. She likes to eat fast food, cakes, pies chips and soda and she doesn’t stick to a diabetic diet at all and we eat healthy. When she stayed with us last year during the COVID lockdown, my husband took over her diet and forced her to eat well. She lost weight and blood sugars stabilized for the first time in years but she sure did complain about the food. So She’s not going to like that kind of control long term. My husband wants to move her in permanently in a couple of weeks but he still hasn’t gotten a yes or no from her especially after she saw the room she’s going to be living in. So we will see. Will keep you all posted.
jeannegibbs Jul 2021
The consensus here seems to be moving MIL in is not a good idea for anyone. In fact, it seems unanimous. I agree.

I just want to comment on the "cultural" aspects of this situation. I highly recommend the book "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande. We are all going to die. Most of us will be old for a while before that happens. How can we assure the best quality of life for our loved ones during that period? Gawande is an American doctor, with roots in India. He talks a lot about how things have changed ALL OVER THE WORLD, that impact realistic expectations of care for the elderly. For example, "We take care of our own," might have been the best we could come up with, whether it was good for everyone or not, but "we see that our own have the best care available" might be a better approach now.

It is a very insightful and compassionate look at aging and "what matters in the end."

Sendhelp Jun 2021
Maybe try video taping the pitfalls of living with people with Autism (the meltdowns?). Can you go directly to your Mil and firmly tell her that you would also have concerns for her living in such a difficult environment. And that you are already so overwhelmed that she would be expected to change an adult diaper to help out.

Then bring in a geriatric care manager to your home now, ask for an assessment of your needs, the needs of your 2 children with autism, and the prospect of adding an elderly to this mix, who cannot help out and will need care. Maybe the geriatric care manager can put some sense into your husband.
This may cost $250 - $300 for the consult, but money well spent to save your sanity and household.
FedUpWife45 Jun 2021
My husband is very aware of the Autistic meltdowns he just doesn’t see it as a reason not to move her in. The kids have stayed over at her house plenty of times so she’s aware of their behavior’s as well. I’m more concerned adding her care to my daily routine. It’s already exhausting
Gershun Jul 2021
Exactly Barb!

As I've mentioned before on here I am with a man of a different culture. I didn't buy into it when I first met my mate and I still don't. We can set limitations on ourselves by just bowing down to cultural expectations or decide we are individuals and can do and be what we want to be. That's what I did. I have no relationship with my in-laws and yeah it can make things complicated sometimes but I don't want to even think about the alternative.

My hubs parents are 91 and 85 years old and often say "We don't go into nursing homes in our country" It's getting complicated because they are both declining and my hubs and his sisters are going to need outside help very soon. They both drop everything and run over there at a moments notice but that won't be enough soon and the in-laws will eventually need a live in caregiver especially if they refuse to move into outside care.

I don't get involved. Does that make me selfish? No, it's called self-preservation.
rovana Jul 2021
Interesting isn't it? I mean, they moved from "their country" to a new country but they expect the same things they left behind in the old country to apply here in a new country? Not thinking it through. After all, they are no longer in "their old country."
Beatty Jul 2021
The 'culture' angle comes up where I live ALL the time, with newer arrivals saying 'in our country, we look after our own'. We did here too. But life changed...

I am not for or against NHs. Probably I categorise them as 'unfortunate necessities', along with parking metres. Just aren't enough parking spots in the city & just not enough family members to go around!

Two generations ago the women took care of the babes & elders at home. Now women are better educated & most are in paid work out of home, the babes in childcare. Elders are home alone... So woman have been freed from childcare & elder care to have careers instead 🤣 yeah??

The other big point is family size. 10 kid families reduced to 2 now. Those 10 that lived close by, married young with grands all helping out... This gen is now 2 or 3, many interstate. Maybe all elder care left on one.

H3ll, my daughter could 'inheirit' 3 Aunts without children + her parents + future in-laws!

Call it cultural, or just modern civilisation - the maths just don't work imho.

PS no matter what anyone thinks about who should etc if you CAN'T do it then you CAN'T do it.
MargaretMcKen Jul 2021
One more thing to put on your list, Beatty – the culture is often changing in the old country as well. Parents don’t know that, their memories haven’t been updated. Children in the new country have been brought without the input that would also tell them about the changes. As I posted to someone else recently, I know various Italian migrants to OZ who have finally gone for a trip ‘home’, and come back in disgust saying ‘Italy is just like Australia now”. They find that the younger generation at ‘home’ has taken far more freedom than they have allowed their own children back in Oz, based on ‘Our Culture doesn’t.. let teenage girls go out on dates unaccompanied’ etc. The culture of virtually all the ‘western’ world has changed a lot since many of the older generation migrated!
polarbear Dec 2021
Is your husband waiting on her? Or are you doing all the work?

What time is she going home tomorrow? Don't wait too long or else she will want to stay a 'few' more days which might turn into weeks...

Perhaps, take her out to breakfast, after that drop her off at her house before noon. It might be easier to get her out of your house to eat than get her out to go home.
Beatty Dec 2021
Excellent tips.

MIL may indeed become quite addicted (& quickly!) to being waited on. Some people confuse servitude with love..

My relative seems to lose all ability when entering someone's else's home. Expects to be waited on. Almost like a baby trying out it's powers of making Momma jump when it cries... Even wants help in bathroom.. which is why I no longer assist.

Do not let that visit blowout. Drop MIL home asap.
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