It is difficult for my dad, or us, to leave my mom after visiting with her. Looking for ideas that will make it easier for everyone.

This has to be so hard for your mom and your dad. I don’t know how you could change it. I think your dad has to do what is best for him. If he doesn’t want to visit as often, I would let him be. He has dealt with this for a long time and is exhausted.

He’s not comprehending your messages to him, so maybe less frequent visits are better for both of them.

I hope you find a viable solution soon. Others will chime in. Best wishes to you and your family.

What does your father want to do? Have her back with him? Move in with her? Or is he just breaking his heart without knowing what would help?

Anything that you're having to tell him "over and over" - stop. Repetition will not assist his understanding, but it will frustrate and torment him. Listen, instead. What is he saying about his feelings?

You have, I'm quite sure, taken the decisions which are best for your mother; she is now safe and being cared for appropriately. She's fine (or as fine as achievable, at least). Time to turn your focus on how to support and reassure your father, and that really does need to start with listening to him.

If he wants to visit your mother, good; if he doesn't, that's also fine. When he parts from her, he is *going* to be sad, and he must be free to express himself; and she is going to want to come with him no matter what therapeutic fibs she is told: don't try to impose rules on him.

It won't be simply a question of his missing her - he will also be mourning the loss of her personality and grieving over what is happening to her, on top of missing her constant companionship. Help him to find his own way through this, giving him all the support and reassurance that you can.

I don't understand why you want your dad to visit her more frequently if that's not what he wants to do. He knows that he misses her! Yet he's also doing what's best for him given how their interactions seem to be getting more difficult on him. You are trying to control your father and I think that's wrong. Support your dad in his decision to see her however frequently (or infrequently) he wants. What is right for you - lying to her so you can leave - is clearly not what he feels is right for him. Stop pressuring him to live up to your expectations of how he should handle his visits to his wife.

Tell him that you are so sorry that he must suffer to see the one he loves in this predicament. Not everything can be fixed. Your Dad is of an age and he understands this. Simply tell him you know how hard this is on EVERYONE. You wish there was so other answer, but there is not. Allow him to mourn and grieve. This is worth grieving.

There is a device that you MAY be able to rent for a trial that transmits the voice of a single speaker to a single listener, without transmitting the elevated volume to the other people present. They are used in classrooms where one hearing impaired child is studying, and. Weds to hear the teacher’s voice at a louder volume than the other children do.

If this were my parents, and I could get such a device at a reasonable price, I’d try this first.

I think you might as well give up on attempts to change Mom OR Dad from doing whatever they already do, but changing their current ability to actually hear each other MIGHT open a window to a little more time with loving and placid communication.

Best of luck pulling off this loving miracle.

JUST did a Google search-try “Teacher to student classroom speech amplification device”. There are actually some that are even wireless. FINGERS CROSSED THAT YOU CAN GIVE IS A TRY!

Ask Social Service if THEY could help you get a set up like this, or ask if there’s a speech therapist or OCCUPATIONAL THERAPIST available who might be able to help you.

Stop trying. Ask him what he wants and let him make his own decisions. You make decisions on your visiting, but you have to let him make his own and they have to be what he finds best for him not what you think is best for your mother. We do start to treat our loved ones as children when they become less able to do things or less capable mentally, but they have to be able to make their own choices even if we disagree. He may prefer to miss her, rather than other options available to him.

We all want to micro-manage the demented elder's life and force the family members to 'do what's right' and go see them in the Memory Care facility, right? Yet, they really don't want to, or there's an issue to deal with, like your dad being deaf & your mom whispering, so the whole matter turns into a fiasco. Yet here we are, still trying to fix the unfixable. I'm trying to get my son & daughter to go visit my demented mother in MC on Thurs evening & I know my son is irritated at the whole prospect. Unfortunately. This is the last time I'm going to orchestrate such an event, I swear.

If your dad 'misses your mom terribly', then he will want to go visit her and they can hold hands and he won't have to shout and who cares if she whispers? They'll make it work, in other words, without you doing anything to help either of them. You're not going to be able to make your dad start telling your mom 'white lies' if he doesn't want to, nor make him remember to tell her he's going to work, etc. He's likely on the dementia path himself, so stop telling him what to say or do. Let him tell you when he wants to visit your mom, or, he if he can find his way to her room by himself, even better. If you don't have to be there to supervise their visit, that would be perfect.

Let go of the whole thing, that's my suggestion. Wait for dad to ask for your help, then offer it, but leave them alone together for the visit. Sometimes just being able to touch one another for 10 minutes can be enough when the language barrier breaks down. Communication doesn't have to be verbal to convey a message, you know?

My mother was pretty deaf and my father was pretty much whispering for about a year before he died. They lived together in AL and had all sorts of issues, too, b/c mom was mean and insisted dad was 'mumbling' on purpose to aggravate her, refusing to acknowledge it was SHE that was deaf, not him that was mumbling. But they managed, somehow, and I tried to stay out of their affairs as much as possible. Getting involved only aggravated ME, truthfully, and didn't accomplish a hill of beans. My DH and I had to go over there a few times to break up some fights they were having b/c my father got sick and tired of putting up with my mother's BS for the past 68 years they were married and finally said ENOUGH. He was at the end of his life and had nothing left to lose. It was kind of a mess, in all honesty. Which is why I tried to stay out of it. Mom had the beginnings of dementia at that time herself, which made her behavior even worse than ever before. By the time dad had hospice services in, my mother was able to hold his hand and tell him she loved him a few times, which I was very glad for.

Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation. I hope you will be able to distinguish that which you can control from that which you cannot, for your own sanity. It's tough, I know.

I have recently started just leaving her room without saying goodbye. It’s easier on her as she panics when I say that I am leaving.

Can he visit her in her room with the door closed, if his loud talking disturbs the others? Maybe it will be quieter there for him to hear her. Don't try to tell them how to handle it. Let them figure out how often he should visit her. Dementia is difficult for everyone, especially the person who has it. Don't worry. Make each visit as joyful as you can. Take it day by day and do the best you can. If you're not there when he visits, you can also speak to the staff and enlist their help for how he can leave after the visit with the least amout of stress. I often time it so that I leave just before lunch time so that the staff takes my mother to lunch as I'm leaving.

She has dementia and he is suffering because of how he feels about her but is lacking ability to fix it. Don't force him to see her as it is too painful and she is gone. Let him have peace and recall her as she was. He doesn't understand too well either. Just let both of them be and visit both - separately. You can't fix what is broken.