I posted earlier but just wanted to add these thoughts.
I just looked up the ‘world’s longest marriage.’ Read the story, it’s amazing! A 105 year old woman said goodbye to her 110 year old husband, married 79 years! Wow! They lived together in Quito, Ecuador. He died in 2020. Their children said that they missed how things were before the pandemic, when hugs weren’t frightening 😟.
I believe that we definitely have soul connections with our mates. These bonds are stronger than we might think.
The OP’s parents were married for the majority of their lives! Imagine losing your partner after being with them for so long.
my parents were married for 73 years when my father passed in 2020 (NOT from covid)....he was 97 and in the NH for 6 years with dementia. my mom is now 94. I asked her if she wanted me to stay with her for a couple days after his passing. but she said no, I am sure she cried over his loss, but her faith (even though hadn't attended church in a long time) knew that her husband was in a better place with no pain, no confusion, etc. She kept his picture of him while in service uniform and would talk to him every day. I think this helped her because she showed no signs of depression. My mother is now in NH due to health issues that she can't be home alone. She still has dad's picture on her dresser there where she can see him. Maybe talk with the surviving parent and ask about things in their past on how they met, etc., and let them know its okay to cry but let them know that they are now resting peacefully on the other side. Also.......how long has it been since they passed, etc. wishing you luck.
My mom kissed my father’s photo goodnight every night and told him that she loved him. It’s important to remember that ‘love’ doesn’t die just because a person dies. She wasn’t flamboyant about it or wanting attention. She did it privately. I would see her as I walked past her room in the evening. It was touching and very sweet.
I think it is perfectly normal to feel this way. They were together for so very long. I am now married 43 years and I can’t imagine being without my husband whenever we will be separated by death.
I am so sorry for your sorrow. While you are strong to support your mom, when you have time to yourself take the time to feel the grief and deal with it. If needed both of you may benefit from use of grief counselling. So while you are with your mom focus on her needs, when you are away from mom focus on your needs.
A couple of years ago, mom lost her husband and my brother and I lost our father. Mom and dad had been married for 66+ years. In January he was Dx with CHF, AFIB, leaky heart valve +. Dad was 91 and when he got home from hospital he said he was done - no more active treatment, no rehab he just wanted to die. We got him on hospice and he died about 6 or 7 months later. We had time to prepare for his death and while sad mom was strong - didn't even want me to spend the night with her.
On the other hand my husband tells me that after his father died he and the rest of the family worried that their mom would die of grief from her loss - they also had about 6 mos to prepare for the inevitable loss. Hubby's father was considerably younger than my father was when he died.
Take care and may God bless each of you with peace, grace and love.
My parents had been married close to 50 years when Dad died suddenly in his sleep. I felt as if I had to step up and be there for Mom in the days that followed. I was their only child and lived in another state. I spent the week there making arrangements and taking care of what I needed to, my husband came for a few days but after the funeral had to return home to work. I kept our 3 year old son with me. I think I finally broke down when I went to Mass that weekend, Dad and I were Catholic Mom was not. On the way out of church the Priest spoke to me, I lost it. Dad had been a lecture for over 25 years so there are lots of memories there. Over the next 11 years I talked to him often asking if I was doing right by Mom. I don’t think I fully mourned losing him until I lost her also. Thankfully she was an independent person and took care of herself until the final two year. She found a handyman to take care of repairs unless my husband was available, hired the neighbors grandchildren to mow her lawn, the two of them hired someone to snow plow their driveways together. I spoke with her often but we planned a call for every Friday at 8:00, another neighbor watched to make sure her flag was out in the morning and down at night if not she called me or checked in herself. Take time for yourself and, we all walk this path differently. Don’t be surprised if there are moments or days where it overwhelms you. Have a good cry when it happens.
Lean into the support of family, friends, members of your faith community, and grief counselling. I recommend GriefShare, a network of people that meet weekly to support each other through the grieving process. All members are going through grief or have completed that journey and stay to help others.
About the best you can do is lean on each other for support. You will both be dealing with the loss - most likely more so for the parent than you, but if you all had a good relationship, it will be tough on you as well.
Do your best to help the healthier parent care for the other parent and give him/her time to grieve when the time comes. Remember the good times together. If they have a lot of pictures, make a photo album that highlights all the good times, so you can reminisce together and alone.
Be there for the surviving parent when they need you, without trying to blanket it all. It is part of life and we all have to experience it at some point. That doesn't make it easier, but each person has their own way to cope with it. Allow him/her time alone, but encourage getting him/her out for activities too. Sitting alone, dwelling on it all the time will only delay the process. There will be times of grief that well up, but over time it will get a little better. Activity, even just getting out of the house, going for a walk or drive with the surviving parent, out for a bite to eat, doing something you both enjoy, it will give the mind a break.
You feel the loss and you mourn the loss and you celebrate the luck of a long marriage and good lives. I found that scrapbooking helped me with the loss of my brother. I wrote notes that made me think of him. It is to be remembered that our brains operate by habit and forms paths we travel because they are known and comfortable. It is good to cry and let your feelings out, but it is good to remember the good things as well. If you experience problems in the mourning process do seek the help of a licensed social worker specially trained in life transitions work or a therapist, support group.
By actually dealing with them(your emotions) and not stuffing them down, only for them to resurface down the road. Grief is hard at any age, but it's part of life and must be dealt with for one to go on with living in a healthy manner.
You are blessed for sure to have such a great example set before you by your parents of love and perseverance. Often times when couples have been married as long as your parents have, when one dies, the other follows shortly thereafter, as they don't want to go on without one another. I find that very sweet actually. Praying for God's peace to be with you as you journey through this time of grief.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Honestly, I didn’t have that problem. My mom and dad weren’t married as long as yours, but they were married a very long time, almost 56 years. Mom loved my dad very much and was sad about my father being ill and dying. She wasn’t in denial. She accepted his condition. She was composed and in control of her emotions, as she always had been.
Now, if it had been my father who was dealing with my mom in that regard, oh boy, it would have been totally different. I don’t think my father would have handled it well. He would have totally fallen apart. He absolutely adored my mother and couldn’t imagine life without her.
Do you think that your parent would benefit from speaking with a social worker or clergy? Or any other form of support?
What about you? Do you feel that you you would feel better if you discussed your situation with a therapist, social worker or clergy?
Wishing you peace during this transitional time in your lives. It’s hard. We are never fully prepared. My father died many years ago and my mom died recently. I am glad that they are reunited again in the afterlife.
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I just looked up the ‘world’s longest marriage.’ Read the story, it’s amazing! A 105 year old woman said goodbye to her 110 year old husband, married 79 years! Wow! They lived together in Quito, Ecuador. He died in 2020. Their children said that they missed how things were before the pandemic, when hugs weren’t frightening 😟.
I believe that we definitely have soul connections with our mates. These bonds are stronger than we might think.
The OP’s parents were married for the majority of their lives! Imagine losing your partner after being with them for so long.
I think it is perfectly normal to feel this way. They were together for so very long. I am now married 43 years and I can’t imagine being without my husband whenever we will be separated by death.
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A couple of years ago, mom lost her husband and my brother and I lost our father. Mom and dad had been married for 66+ years. In January he was Dx with CHF, AFIB, leaky heart valve +. Dad was 91 and when he got home from hospital he said he was done - no more active treatment, no rehab he just wanted to die. We got him on hospice and he died about 6 or 7 months later. We had time to prepare for his death and while sad mom was strong - didn't even want me to spend the night with her.
On the other hand my husband tells me that after his father died he and the rest of the family worried that their mom would die of grief from her loss - they also had about 6 mos to prepare for the inevitable loss. Hubby's father was considerably younger than my father was when he died.
Take care and may God bless each of you with peace, grace and love.
Do your best to help the healthier parent care for the other parent and give him/her time to grieve when the time comes. Remember the good times together. If they have a lot of pictures, make a photo album that highlights all the good times, so you can reminisce together and alone.
Be there for the surviving parent when they need you, without trying to blanket it all. It is part of life and we all have to experience it at some point. That doesn't make it easier, but each person has their own way to cope with it. Allow him/her time alone, but encourage getting him/her out for activities too. Sitting alone, dwelling on it all the time will only delay the process. There will be times of grief that well up, but over time it will get a little better. Activity, even just getting out of the house, going for a walk or drive with the surviving parent, out for a bite to eat, doing something you both enjoy, it will give the mind a break.
You are blessed for sure to have such a great example set before you by your parents of love and perseverance. Often times when couples have been married as long as your parents have, when one dies, the other follows shortly thereafter, as they don't want to go on without one another. I find that very sweet actually.
Praying for God's peace to be with you as you journey through this time of grief.
Now, if it had been my father who was dealing with my mom in that regard, oh boy, it would have been totally different. I don’t think my father would have handled it well. He would have totally fallen apart. He absolutely adored my mother and couldn’t imagine life without her.
Do you think that your parent would benefit from speaking with a social worker or clergy? Or any other form of support?
What about you? Do you feel that you you would feel better if you discussed your situation with a therapist, social worker or clergy?
Wishing you peace during this transitional time in your lives. It’s hard. We are never fully prepared. My father died many years ago and my mom died recently. I am glad that they are reunited again in the afterlife.