A few days ago, I was 'kicked out' of my mother's house (again); and started walking the 30 miles, home. I no longer have a vehicle and must get rides to and from mom's place. At least, this time; I managed to get my cell phone, so I could call for a ride.
Before she kicked me out; she called all of her friends & many neighbours just to lie about me AND now.. my sons. This time; I am a drug addict and I abuse her, take all her money, do nothing for her, scare her, threaten her, etc., etc. My son's all "lie, cheat and steal"
ALL OF THAT IS LIES!!
So, when I get kicked out at least I get a physical break. Yet, she calls; 15/day to 'remind' me - I am a terrible person, daughter & mother: that my grown children, friends and everyone else all hate me, can't stand me and put up with me for her. My boys are all screwed up because of what a terrible mother I was/am.
I am so tired of all the accusations & criticizing of my three grown sons; who do their best to do things for her.
I've read lots of posts here that same the same thing. Distance or no distance... it all hurts and brings up painful abusive childhood memories and having to hear her criticize my boys.
My 'golden child' sister chooses to actually believe NM and likes 'the wedge' because Sis is a lawyer and is getting mother to change will, and P.O.A. --- so that I won't "put her in a home". Which, I won't because mom has a very deep desire and has the money to stay in her own home.
I just want all the lies to stop! I am humiliated. I am the person who stocks her fridge, cleans her house, makes sure that her house maintenance is done and takes her places (in her car). Yet, mom always says that I "take her food", "mess up her house" and "don't let her leave the house".
I "take" the s*** and act as a buffer for my boys. I really feel that I must defend my grown boys from her lies and manipulation. I will always defend them - when they were small and now!
I can't let them become what I have become - depressed, hopeless, beaten-down and just wanting to die.
She does, finally, have some in-home care. SOME -- only the free stuff! She has also "informed" them of all these terrible things about me and my boys.
I have stopped paying for most of her bills. I do try to convince her to spend her money on her personal needs; a shopper, a housekeeper, maintenance on her house, a driver; when I am not there, etc. so that she can stay there as long as she wants or that is humanly possible.
She does pay the neighbours for rides and to go get her 'groceries', when they get their own.
Problems;
1. whenever I go there, her fridge is completely empty, even though she "just got" her groceries.
2. All communication to me has been cut off, since I am this "terrible person". So, I have no idea what is happening with her care.
3. She has 2 faces: one is that she sounds and appears in complete control/knowledgeable/understanding, etc. - other to me
i.e. - her fridge is empty because she is getting rid of all the food so that she can clean it out and get fresh stuff. - BUT reality is that I am the only one who cleans and restocks her fridge.
4. She is over using my son. He is very busy with his own small family. I try to tell him; that he does NOT have to take time away from his family for his nanny.
That puts me in the spot of HAVING to go to NM home; to prevent my son's burnout and neglect of his own children. He lives 1 hr. from my NM. Of course, once there... I am stuck there: being her whipping board, slave, etc. NM always threatens to call and ask my son for things if I say no. - and she has done it - many times.
What can I do?
I feel beat.
13 Answers
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From the replies here it sounds like you've gotten sound advice to walk away, from multiple responders, at least one time before. Have you considered counseling to help work through becoming less enmeshed with your mother?
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What part of walking 30 miles makes you even THINK that you should go back for more?
What would you say to your sons, if someone made them walk 30 miles?
Why should you be treated like this?
Seriously wishing you the best.
I don't know if your mother has dementia/Alzheimer's or is simply mentally unstable, but I don't know why you think you can change HER behavior without changing yours.
Tell your sister the lawyer she's now in charge. Contact APS and tell them there is a vulnerable adult and give them your sister's contact information, then walk away.
OR
Go back to the dance.
It's entirely up to you.
But as a dutiful and caring human being, as you clearly are, you need to notify others - the sister, maybe the authorities - that this adult you believe is in peril needs assistance and will not allow you to provide it.
My suggestion would be to write a message explaining the situation and send it to all the necessary people (sister, sons, relatives, local authorities). Spell out the situation simply and unemotionally, with no accusations toward the others, and no editorial or hurt feelings expressed. Just state the facts, and how it has become impossible for you to continue. Formally resign the POA. Then step back and stay away.
1) you can't change what has happened in the past. You can only move forward.
2) You can't change who and what your mother is - and what she isn't.
3) You can't control what others choose to listen to, or to believe.
What you can do is stop. Stop going to your mother, stop helping her, stop enabling this behavior. Because, I'm very sorry to say, you ARE enabling her behavior. For whatever reason, your mother has chosen to make you her punching bag, and you keep going back for more. Look in a mirror - unless you have "Everlast" printed across your chest you are NOT someone's punching bag.
I have to ask why. Why are you continuing to set yourself up to fail? You try and help mom, she treats you terribly, so you feel like a failure, yet you keep continuing on and on with the behavior. Knowing full well that she is going to continue treating you this way, because this has been her pattern forever, and there's really no reason for her to change, because she's getting everything that she wants and needs with no repercussions for her behavior.
Have you ever thought that you deserve better? Have you ever BELIEVED you deserve better? In your heart of hearts, I mean. You recognize that you will not allow your mother to abuse your sons, but you don't give yourself that same protection? Have you ever seriously sought therapy? There are deeply imbedded reasons, I am sure, that you feel that this is all that you're "worth" and you really need someone to help you navigate and overcome those feelings. And I mean someone other than anonymous people you vent to on a website! Venting is great, don't get me wrong, but it's not enough for what you need. As much as you recognize it's not healthy, you continue to stroll back into this viper's nest and then wonder why it is you're getting bitten and what you can do to prevent it. Well, what you can do to prevent getting bitten is to not enter the viper's net to begin with. But if you have this overwhelming compulsion to continue to walk through the viper's nest, even though you KNOW that it's dangerous and possibly deadly, then you need to seek professional help to get you to overcome this compulsion.
And if your son is following you down this rabbit hole, you BOTH need counseling - maybe even go together to work on some strategies that clearly you both need to come through this successfully.
Good luck, I really hope you can find your way through this.
What you can 'do' is nothing. Allow your mother to do for herself. When she falls flat on her face & asks you for help, then you tell her what you will or will not do for her in no uncertain terms, and terms that YOU set down in stone. It's nice that she wants to 'age in place' in her own home, as long as she does so on HER terms, with lots & lots of help from others, right? So she's putting on the facade of 'independence' by relying entirely on others to do everything for her! When everyone starts telling her No, then she will have no other choice but to examine her other options in terms of care: managed care, hiring in home help, etc.
If you have also been paying her bills all this time, then that's another unwise decision you've made for some odd reason. If she has a home, she has the means to pay her own bills. If she cannot do so, then the home needs to be sold and she needs to downsize to a living situation she CAN afford on her own. Who's going to pay YOUR bills when you're old and broke? A 'child' should never fork over their own money to pay a parent's way in life because we read here all the time how that leaves them penniless and sometimes even homeless as a result!
It's time to start thinking about yourself now & leave mother to her own devices. If she calls & asks your son for things, it's up to HIM to handle that request as the adult he is. It's not on you to speak for him; only for yourself. Start doing so and start standing up for yourself now! You deserve to. Your mother has treated you poorly for long enough now! She can hire others now and pay them to put up with her insufferable behavior b/c you've had enough.
Tell sister you cannot deal with Mom anymore. Her lies are effecting you. You do everything you can but its never enough. I will assume since sis is the lawyer, she also holds the POA. If Mom has Dementia maybe time for Sis to take over the finances. You alone should not be responsible to see that Moms bills are paid. All the children should be pitching in. If its a matter of all she needs to do is budget, time for POA to get involved. I also believe if a widow cannot make it on her monthly income, time to sell the house and get something she can afford.
Your son, he is a big boy and he has a wife who can complain if he is doing too much. He needs to learn boundries and say not now grand. He can be your spy. Telling you when the fridge needs restocking. You can buy her the food and he can deliver it. You can do things for her from a distance.
Be glad that she has not contacted you. Take advantage of it. Tell everyone you are taking a much needed break. You will not be entering your Moms house. If your needed to do anything, it will be behind the scenes.
Sorry, but there is no other answer but that this choice is yours. I recognize it is difficult to change yourself from your habitual ways of doing things. Seek help and therapeutic support if need be. If you believe you mother is in danger call APS or the police for wellness checks on her.