My mother in law (78) lost her mother 3 years ago last January, then her 2nd husband of over 30 years later the same year (3 years ago, September). I would say that she has had minor symptoms of memory issues in the past, but nothing that couldn't be ignored as "normal", or something we all might do from time to time. She lives on one side of the state, the family on the other. She has a great support network of friends, that we are starting to get calls from (which makes them totally awesome, in my book). At this point, we think her husband may have been covering some of her lapses and now that he's gone, they are more evident to her friends and family. We have tried to broach the subject with her, but she will deflect and blame the grief for her memory, or medications. She's been on anti-depressants, then will quit them siting that they cause memory problems. Though she has lost weight, she is taking care of herself. No issues with cleanliness or anything like that. But her memory is getting worse, to the point where we're not sure she's taking her medications daily, or worse, may be doubling up. The thing is, if you don't talk to her every day, her coping mechanisms are brilliant and you'd never realize there's an issue. But her friends do, and we do, and we're seeing it loud and clear. We have tried, many times, to have conversations with her about her memory and about planning for the future. But, again, the deflection is impressive. If we insist, then she gets angry. How have others handled these discussions? She's still very much cognitive enough to be able to tell us what her wishes for the future are, but we cannot keep her on topic. We really need advice.
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Would she let you help with managing her finances? Suggest you get your name on her checking and savings accounts, and POA just in case she has a sudden health issue. She could do that along with updating her will and making sure she has assigned a medical power of attorney and DNR if she wants. Those are all things any healthy single older adult should do.
I started small with my mom. An hour of help around the house that gradually turned into 24/7 care as she needed. She gave me POA because she didn't like to sign her name because of arthritis and motor control issues. I wrote checks at her direction and did her on-line chores because she had trouble controlling the mouse. As she got more confused, I would offer to "take care of this for you" until eventually I was doing everything from my home and she thought she was paid up for life.
I don't know how close you are to her. I live near Houston, Texas, where it was an hours drive just to get to my mom's apartment on the other side of the city and 12 hours to get to the other side of the state. I made the drive once a week, then twice a week. Are weekly visits possible for you?
She has plenty of family and friends.
As you know, there's no point in bothering her about it until she herself recognizes or wants help.
You should just let her know you love her and you'll be there to help with whatever whenever.
If she is blaming her memory issues on grief, etc. then she does know that there is an issue. Maybe her son can have a loving heart-to-heart where he says he is worried about her and is not sure what is going on. The only way to do that is to let her doctor know that she is having memory issues, with a few examples. They might want to do some blood work (they're running B12 and thyroid for my mom) and do a memory test (at least to get a baseline), etc. For myself, I told my mom that I wanted to know what we are dealing with. It may not really matter, but it matters to me. I want to know what is wrong so we can better deal with whatever it is.
If MIL continues to refuse, the next step may be having those fabulous neighbors/friends/family calling APS to do a wellness check on her.
Sometimes all you can do is wait for the other shoe to drop which is the worst case scenario - she falls, starts a fire. Its not what anyone wants.
Try sitting down with hubby and coming up with all the reasons mom needs assistance. Have a calm discussion with her about your CONCERNS, because you LOVE her and don't want anything BAD to happen to her.
Would she be willing to move to a lovely Independent Living (IL) community near you and her son? Some have guest suites/apts, maybe come and visit and stay at one for a few days and enjoy the amenities.
It really is hard for them, they are giving up their independence and admitting to the creep of time - and if the mind is going they are probably scared.
Truth is, without a visit to her you are not going to be able to have a CLUE what is happening. You need to visit. You need to get paperwork together, done if it is not done. You need to ask her to be evaluated AFTER that, and if she refuses, and is competent enough to confabulate enough you are going to be out of luck. You cannot force someone to be tested. Push WILL eventually come to shove. Is she driving? You cn tell her you will report her to DMV if she doesn't agree to testing AFTER the paperwork for POA is done. If she tests as impaired it is too late for POA unless the dementia mild enough for her to fully understand what she is doing which was the case with my brother who, after a car accident caused by him was incidentally diagnosed by symptoms as probably early Lewy's Dementia. He also was at the other end of my state, so I sympathize, but you do need this visit if you are the one who is next in line for responsible.
The truth is that this COULD easily be anxiety/depression, medication going off and on. And it could be more. You will be able to make a better educated guess on that. Look up simple tests for dementia (remembering three phrases or words; drawing clock set for a requested time, and etc. ) ; look them up online. Wishing you luck and hoping you'll update us.