I am having trouble convincing my husband with Alzheimer's that we live in our home. We have been living here 21 years this summer. Advice?

The therapeutic lie does work. My mom kept wanting to go home, and I told her pests were discovered and the entire house was being bombed by pest control. Next of course would be the --well, after the pest company, painting was needed. Next, the rug needing replacement and so on, until she just quit asking.

It is impossible to convince someone with Alzheimer's of anything. His poor brain is broken and he just can't make sense of his world anymore. You just need to come up with some vague, canned responses to his questioning. "our house is being painted so we're going to stay here for awhile. Isn't is nice??"

Re his mom, same thing. Do not tell him over and over that his mom is dead. He doesn't need to relive grief. "Your mom is on vacation right now. We'll go see her in a few weeks." Then change the subject. And have that ready too since these conversations will be difficult and repetitive.

If he is wandering, you are now in the territory of needing to put him in a memory care facility that is locked for the resident's safety. That may not be the answer you are hoping for but you really can't keep an eye on him 24/7 to keep him safe.

You must be exhausted and need to take care of yourself as well.

Think that the "I want to go home" mantra is a way of saying "I want to feel safe". So many confusing happenings when one has dementia. Everything feels strange to them. I have worked in memory care facilities for many years as Activity Director. One of our residents was constantly telling his wife he wanted to go home. She took him on a drive to their old home, which he had planned and built himself. He didn't recognize their home of 40+ years. Still saying "I want to go home". She also drove him to his old family home, but still no relief or recognition! Sadly the " home " they seek is not a physical place. It is a feeling of well being ! Sometimes it is possible to divert them with pleasant present activities. Favorite music often helps bring calm and joy. Nothing works all the time. Eventually, all will be forgotten.

That is one of the most common issues that folks with Alzheimer's/dementia face and that is wanting to go home. Often time they are referring to their childhood home with their mom and dad where they felt safe and secure, and other times only God knows what home they're talking about.
There's no reasoning or convincing him at this point, so please don't wear yourself out trying. His brain is broken, and will never get better, so it's best just to go along with whatever he says.
And if he now is wandering, it may very well be time to be looking into placing him in a memory care facility, as things will only continue to get worse.
You must now do what is in the best interest of your husband and his safety. I wish you well.

You will not be able to “convince” him, because his increasingly damaged brain is operating within its OWN TRUTH.

Do what you can to stay with what he is saying in a calm neutral way.

”One of these days I’d like to travel too”.

”It’s too hot (cold-dark-rainy…..) to go out today. Let’s wait until later”.

”They’re away I think. Let’s wait until they call.”

”we’re staying here to take care of the pets (plants, newspapers, garden……)”

Give him peace and comfort and a little hope. He won’t remember details of the conversation. This stage will hopefully have passed in a few weeks.

My mom goes threw this loop at least once a day now my husband is doing the same thing ( looping ) people have asked me how I handle it all?? This is what I think pick your battles, they are very serious when asking but it soon fades as every thing else. I just agree we will be leaving soon for home in just a while, and it goes as fast as it comes. My husband insisted on wearing his hat as the doctor is going to put needles in his head, at first I would explain there were no needles then I simply got his hat and he was calm the intire visit to the doctor. My mom wants to come home I simply say as soon as she finishes rehab she can come home and now it comes up rarely. Simplify things for yourself they aren't looking for long answers, there just confused. 20 years ago is right there today is gone, meet him where he is. I don't say no, I don't say remember and when they get inpatient I don't hurry. They aren't in pain, no idea of time passing and I would cry every single day if I have to explain everyday. I am not an expert just a caregiver.

My 92 year old mom with Alzheimer's lives in memory care. She constantly loops questions of "where is Frank?" Frank is her deceased brother. She thinks my brother is Frank and lives in "Frank's house" which in reality was her childhood home. She never asks about her sister or her other brother, both deceased. Rarely asks about Dad anymore (he passed away several years ago.) Does not always remember her kids, except for me and my brother (the Frank character,) who visit her regularly. Her short term memory is completely gone and her long term memory is getting jumbled now. There is no way she could be living outside memory care.

My dad had AZ too and was getting more and more disoriented. I put together 3-ring binders with pictures and brief descriptions n dates (best as I could remember) to look at with him. It was like reading a story very frequently, but he enjoyed it. When he asked & worried about Mom I could show him pics of her in the hospital with him holding her hand. She died of pneumonia at 88. We had pics of final blessing together. This comforts him each time he sees it. He knows it was a blessing when she passed. Wasn’t always sure he believed it all, but he heard & saw it over & over. It was something that didn’t keep changing on him unless we added new pictures/stories together. This was helpful for us! Dad’s home caregivers changed frequently too, so this allowed us to share our story with them! Be patient, show grace and ask God to help you through it all. It’s not easy, but so worth it! I lost my dad in Jan.

I’ve heard it is common for people with Alzheimer’s & dementia to want to go “home”. My mother was concerned for many years about going “home”. I finally figured out home wasn’t a location, it was a feeling of security she had as a child with her parents. So when she would want to go home, even though she was in her home of 30+ yrs, I talked about her mom & dad & how much they had loved her & told her everything is ok & we’re going to have lunch in a bit, or go get an ice cream cone (just anything positive to distract her & make her insecurities subside) & she felt better. Car rides & ice cream cones helped for years. The dogs came along & fast food cones barely cost anything. Then when we got closer to her house, she could point the way when I would ask where home is, she was right & we went home to reset. But “home” is a state of mind, they feel lost. Reassurance, happiness & redirection was our go to for a long time. She eventually got past it as the dementia advanced.

Your father's constant urge to "go home" is not necessarily a physical building, but in fact going to a place where he felt secure and loved, and where someone took care of him. Of course, he may well have romanticized the beauty of it all.
Why are you falling into the same loop that your husband is in?
Don't be lured into making sense to someone who cannot make sense himself.
"No dear, everything is just fine. We are staying here for now," then remove yourself from the repetition. The assurance that everything is OK is what he's looking for.