How to get help for my parents' drinking to save my own family from my parents?

How many more people need to be hurt by your parents before you stop trying to rescue them from their own poor choices? You cannot get your alcoholic parents help because they don't want it. The sooner you accept that fact, the better.

You have allowed your parents to abuse your children and your husband. You allowed abuse even after your parents physically abused one of your children. If I was married to you, or if you were my mother, I would have left you a long time ago.

You owe your children and husband apologies. And that will mean stepping away from your abusive, alcoholic parents and explaining to your parents why you are stepping away from them. Put your husband and children first and rebuild your family without your toxic parents.

You may want to consider therapy for yourself to explore why you allowed your parents to abuse you, your husband, and your children for so long. And why you seem to care more about getting a doctor to "see they have issues" than caring for yourself and your own family.

Have you ever watched the TV show Intervention? Addiction reaches the point where the loved one is issued an ultimatum by the family: get help/treatment or we're OUT of your life for good. Period. There's no other way with hard core addicts and they've brought it on themselves. Why should you and your family be punching bags for your parents who have an addiction & choose not to address it? If I were in your shoes, I'd have a meeting with my kids and then you can all march over to mom & dad's house and have the 'intervention': Here's how the cow chews the cud folks: You either go to treatment & address your problems or you don't see us anymore. We love you but we we love ourselves more and know that we deserve better treatment than what you're giving us. Let us know what you decide.

That's about it. Then go sign up for Al-Anon so the guilt won't eat you up. You'll get to meet lots of others in the same boat as you are and learn that you don't have to be the victim anymore. There's another way to handle this. And that's how you get out of the nightmare you've been living in. With support and understanding from other's going through the same thing as you are.

I'm sorry you've all been put in such a position & that your parents have chosen their drug of choice over a good relationship with their children & grandchildren. That's the nature of addiction though: to the exclusion of all else. Sad but true.
Good luck

I have many family members who are and were alcoholics (some now gone), and it was driving me crazy. I went to Al-Anon and it helped me tremendously. It may help you, too.

“I know it seems harsh”? No it doesn’t. All the answers so far tell you that walking away is the best thing for you and your family, and perhaps even for them (as in “they have to hit rock bottom”). Yes, you can send a letter to their doctor, though you can’t have a conversation for privacy reasons. If there is any chance at all that the doctor assumes you are ‘the solution’, make it clear in the letter that you are walking away from it all NOW. And stop telling yourself that anyone thinks “it seems harsh”.

You can't get help for your parents as they are in denial that there's a problem. The only one you can help is yourself, and that will be by walking away and letting them fend for themselves. You said yourself that they are toxic, and that they feel "it's their life, they can do what they want," so you're going to have to let them do just that.
Cut your losses, and get your sanity back and your stress levels down. It's really a no brainer. It's not worth one more day of their aggravation. Time for your mom and dad to figure out things on their own, and for you and your family to have peace again.

You seem to be coming at this from the alcoholism angle as though if they were only sober it would solve everything..... I've always remembered a story I read somewhere years ago from someone who thought their loved one was a mean drunk, then discovered after they got sober they were just plain mean.

I agree with your husband completely. Walk away. Stop co-ing them. Leave them to themselves. You cannot save others. Join Al-Anon which will give you enormous support. Do not get POA. Do not attempt to speak with their doctors. You are not in charge of their choices. Walk away, save your family from a history of alcoholism and concentrate on YOUR OWN FAMILY. They are your responsibility. WALK AWAY NOW. You can't change others; you CAN save yourself and your family. Now, then; it's your choice.

You can't help Drunks and thats what they are. Alcoholism is just a nice name they have put on it. Its a desease, an addiction...true but THEY have to want to be sober. You have put up with this too long. Exposed your kids and DH to their abuse. Yes, they r your parents but your family's needs outweigh theirs. I would tell them that until they do something about their addiction problem, you will not be involved with them. You and your family need to walk away. Like said they need to hit bottom. When that happens, you get APS involved. Do not try to fix this yourself. AL-Anon may help you deal with ur decision.

When my parents got married my Mom thought it would be nice to invite her estranged father to dinner. The estrangement came because he left her and her mother. He came drunk and all he talked about was the children he had with the woman he left my Grandmother for and never married even after my GMs death. He had 5 with my GM. My Dad kicked him out and told him not to come back. Dad was 24.

It can be heartbreaking to want to help someone who doesn't want help or save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Or even just steer them towards positive change.

Have you considered an AL-Anon Family support group?

I don't have experience here, hopefully others that do will come along soon.

I would imagine accepting where they & limiting contact may be key.

As long as they are competent, they have to hit rock-bottom to begin to solve their own problems. If you are there to provide a safe landing, it's not going to happen.

"They accuse everyone of only being around them for their money, they don't have any! They get defensive, and go at my adult children like a pit bull enraged. They caused so much stress on my oldest who was always loyal to them, that they caused her to have her baby early, due to preclampsia stress."

That should be it for you -- leave them to their own devices, and stay out of their lives. If they have no money, let APS step in when things get so out-of-control that they can't take care of themselves.

Tough love isn't just for children!

Your husband is right. Leave them to suffer the consequences of their actions.

When people are mean to you, mean to your spouse and mean AND verbally and physically abusive to your children, you should take the hint and walk away.

Likely their doctor backs away from helping because s/he sees that you are there. Step away and let social services step in.

OK, we get that they’re “mean”.

But knowing nothing else besides they are mean to you, to your husband, to your children, to each other, that they drink too much, and that they don’t want you to know much about their lives, what do you want someone to tell you?

What reason(s) do you have to be around the! What has ever earned their loyalty? Why would you, as the connection to them, encourage anyone whom YOU LOVE to be anywhere near them?

If “All (my) children have walked away from them” why ON EARTH did they walk back?

It appears from what YOU SAY, that they have told you over and over and over AND OVER who they are. WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO THEM????

If they don’t want normal, positive, reasonable relations with people, why do YOU persist in attempting to establish something THEY DON’T WANT AND WON’T DO?