What to do when elderly folk feel helpless and depressed?

Imho, perhaps he should be evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist.

I think you are right about the ‘oh no’s being a speech habit. Like, you only have to listen to someone on the radio, who isn’t used to public speaking, and says the same word or phrase with every other sentence – then, like, you certainly appreciate how strong a habit it can be.

I’m just wondering if you could coach him to make his verbalisations something more positive, eg ‘great stuff’. I’m sure that politicians with this speech habit have to be coaxed out of it, and I wonder if some poster knows or has read about how it’s done.

Well the truth is that it IS depressing. As others have suggested, you need to do something for yourself so that you don’t absorb it.

if you need or want Respite care badly enough, you just have to pay out-of-pocket. Sometimes it is worth it.

Please have your father evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate and treat his mental health issues. He may have depression as well as anxiety. Many seniors suffer from depression so this is not unusual.

If he is feeling like he always has to "pee" he may be suffering from an enlarged prostate, Ask his doctor to evaluate this or to make a referral to a urologist for evaluation and treatment.

Check with Medicare.
If he is Home Bound you should be able to have a Nurse visit and an Aide to clean him 2-3 times a week.
That's about all they pay for unless you go to a Senior Home to live.

So sad indeed…My mom has been depressed her whole life..even on meds her moods swing badly..I have always found a silver lining in the challenges life has handed me…we are opposites..I also get a bit worn out and discouraged when mom gets in her sad negative moods but have learned in the past 18 months how to handle it all.. Her assisted living is active, pleasant and beautiful. She is 87 and has Lewy Body Dementia and currently quite clear headed. My solution has been to schedule our visits for Sun, Tues and Friday only {we go out and do fun things}..she visits my apartment for lunch on Sundays....I have my brother call her Weds and Saturday…I take the days I do not visit her 100% for me {no mom}…it gives me a break from the complaints and her down moods..when we are together I avoid talking with her about her complaints..I mentally sort out what may be real and what is just her disposition …I email staff with anything I believe may be a real issue..when moms dementia issues first started I was so overwhelmed I saw a mental health counselor..and I now tell myself “it is NOT my job to keep mom happy….All I have to do is keep her safe, well fed and a nice roof over her head”..I have processed my anticipatory grief..I now can again experience joy in my life even when Moms being depressed and negative..Good Luck!

Yes, you are right I have been absorbing his depression and anxiety and I have to try and reverse that.
I will look at other options and try to find another way.
He is weak and tired, but I am also exhausted so I think the first step is for me to work on my own wellbeing.
He isn't normally a half glass empty person, nor is he negative but his anguish is more sad and weepy so the doctor may be able to help by prescribing an anti-depressant.

My 99-yr old aunt has moderate to advanced dementia and is on meds for mood. It has helped, yet she still blurts out "Help me, Jesus!" all the time or "Why, God??", etc, all the time. She doesn't really seem to know why she's yelling this. She also now has a very broken filter and all sorts of nasty things can randomly come out her mouth: insults, the "n" word, comments about one's looks or weight...etc. She was never like this in her youth, it's just part of dementia that can't be fixed so you will need to view him like a person with a permanently broken leg which is getting worse and crippling him more over time -- except it's his brain that is broken. You can only do so much but try to remember how he was and that that person is still in that body.

I really benefited from watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She does an excellent job of helping people to understand how dementia changes our LOs and why, and how to better engage with them so that you're not fighting an uphill battle or reinventing the wheel every day.

I agree with lealonnie1 that the way you see him now is not how he'll be in the near future, so really you do need to help him make a long-term, permanent plan. I'm also in the U.S. so can't give any input on what resources are available but others on this forum will.

You are absorbing your father's depression & anxiety & making it your own! He's 92 so lots of his behavior goes with the territory. Is he taking anti-depressants which may help him a bit? You are staying with him currently in England but live in Turkey, is that right? So you are w/o your husband in favor of caring for dad? If so, it may be time to place dad in managed care so you can get back to your life in Turkey now. Things don't get better for people at 92, they only tend to get worse and worse, especially if dementia is setting in. Unless you plan to stay in England until he passes away, you're going to need to formulate Plan B now, in my opinion.

His house may need to be sold to finance his stay in Board & Care, or a residential care home of that nature. Unless he has funds to finance it w/o the sale of his home. I don't know how things work in the UK (I am in the USA) but we do have posters who live in England who will pipe in shortly, I'm sure.

No matter what, you can't 'fix' advanced old age nor can you absorb his negativity and bear it for him. He's weak and tired, and rightly so, at his age. You may want to check with his MD for an Rx to address his depression, however. My 90 year old dad did quite well with Zoloft; my 94 y/o mother has been taking Wellbutrin for 10 years now & it does help her moods somewhat, although she's still a huge negative Nelly all the time. If your dad is a 'glass half empty' kind of person, no anti-depressant on earth will fix that aspect of his personality. If he's sad and weepy, well then, an anti-depressant can really do the trick!

Wishing you the best of luck figuring out how to help dad and get back to living your own life!