How do I deal with a verbally abusive DIL? After a year and half of being alone I visit her and my son 1200 miles away and she goes beserk?

I’m so sorry you have experienced all of this. Maybe she was triggered by you flying with all kinds of germs, but decided not to attend a birthday party after a cough? However, I would distance myself from now on. Screaming matches are not healthy to experience or to be “fearful” of in the future. Have your son visit you alone. Stay in a hotel when you visit him. I think it’s just not worth the stress of staying in an adult child’s home and vice versa.

I have found, with my SIL, giving her Special Things does not do anything to make our relationship better. I stopped long ago. She has a real hard time saying TU. Also, giving compliments. And if she does compliment you its kind of backhanded. My SIL is not a person I would ever be friends with. She can be very personable but then will fly off the handle for the smallest thing. Very condecending. We have never lived close and only saw each other if they happened to be home. Or if we rode down to visit other relatives and stopped in for a couple of days. I actually did not talk to her or went to visit for 10 years because of something she said and did and felt justified in doing it. I really don't feel comfortable in her home. Just always waiting for the shoe to drop. She has been this way my whole married life and have no idea what I did to deserve what she has done to me. Really ashame because DHs brother is such a nice guy. Get along great with him.

I have learned to just let it go. When we visit its so the brothers can see each other.

I am very sorry for the loss of your husband. It has been a very difficult and stressful time for everyone during Covid. Why exactly did your daughter in law blow up when you said that you didn’t wish to attend the birthday celebration? Her behavior seems a bit over the top.

I adored my mother in law. She treated me like I was her daughter. I am so grateful to have had such a loving relationship with her.

It’s truly sad that you don’t have a good relationship with your daughter in law. I sincerely doubt that she will want to stay with you at your house. It doesn’t sound like she is interested in behaving in a civil manner towards you out of respect for her husband or you.

I am sure that this is incredibly uncomfortable for your son. Naturally, he is going to support his wife. Did you accept her apology? Was she sincerely apologizing? You say that your son “made” her apologize.

Maybe there is something going on in their lives that you aren’t aware of and somehow you hit a nerve with her and she took everything out on you, which is unfortunate.

Does your son and his family normally stay at your home when they visit? They can book a hotel for any upcoming visits.

I hope somewhere down the line, healing and forgiveness can occur. Let the dust settle. Give her time to cool down. Hey. look at the bright side, you don’t live anywhere near her! 😊

I realize that this ordeal was upsetting, but it is probably best to let it go. Your son obviously loves you. Do you speak to him on the phone or online often? I don’t think that I would bring this incident up to your son. Don’t put yourself in the middle of their relationship.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

I had a long reply and lost it. I think you should just keep your distance from this woman. Son should visit you. If wife wants to come, then they should rent a hotel room. Your son should have nipped this in the bud ages ago. You and DIL don't have to like each other but you can respect each other. One because your her husbands Mother and two because she is your husbands wife. I did not love my MIL. But she was my DHs mother. I could visit and we had nice visits. But 1 week at a time was enough. We live in NJ, she in Fla. My DH would never have tolerated me showing his Mom any disrespect. I have a SIL like your DIL.

She sounds, from what you tell us, quite unstable, with the hairpulling and etc. However, your Son is with her a long time, and apparently, this relationship is one he is comfortable in. I frankly would never visit anymore to stay in the home. Stay in a motel. Buy them meals out. You can say that you love being alone in a wonderful hotel with good movies and a refrigerator bar. Say whatever you like, but don't put it on her. When they come by you, if you can afford it, get them a wonderful room, tell them they are welcome to stay with you, but the room is there for them, that it is good to have quiet time to get away alone. Your son should not be in the middle. I am sorry for this grief, but there is very little to do about it but try to protect yourself and your son from a woman who is unstable. Try to take her special things when you visit, or send to her, no matter how small, flowers, a plant, anything to say "Thinking about you". Other than that I don't worry. Your son must be feeling so torn and agonized.