94 yo MIL has vascular dementia and keeps asking my husband, who is her FT caregiver, to take her to see her mother. We have told her that her mother is deceased, showed her the obituary, but a few minutes later she'll ask again. My husband has resorted to making excuses like "maybe tomorrow" or "she's not available to see you right now" or some other ridiculous excuses that obviously tells me he's playing along just to appease her. This goes on minute by minute for days and it is so exhausting! She gets angry and acts like we are abusing her bc we're keeping her from seeing her mother.
All of this is making me feel resentful. She lives with us FT (since 2019) and has been the center of my husband's world since. He retired early just to take care of her and it's a thankless undertaking! She lashes out at him when he cannot take her to see family members she DEMANDS to see and who are all deceased!
What is the right answer to give her? Do we continue to play along or just be blunt and say "you can't see them bc they are dead" each time she asks?
Most days I feel like I live in the twilight zone!
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Telling her that "we can't go today" or "XXXX is not home today" or "we have other plans, we were going to go for a walk or a drive today"
Yes she will get angry but that is because she is not getting what she wants at the moment.
Is there anything that she likes? A particular snack? A favorite movie or song? Use anything you can to redirect the conversation.
Your MIL will continue to have delusions and hallucinations throughout her disease. I would suggest you learn how to respond to them by educating yourself. As already suggested, The “36 Hour Book” is a an excellent primer to dementia caregiving.
As for your husband, his devotion is to you. Sometimes the other spouse feels like a third wheel and begins to feel resentful. Bring your feelings to your husband's attention. Suggest that someone comes in occasionally to be with your MIL while the two of you do something together.
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Meds won't stop the repetitive questions, but they may quell the agitation and anger.
I'm too old to start over. I decided to stay but have detached myself from MIL's care. I limit myself to one part of the house (I work from home) so I don't get involved with her care. Once in a while I would keep an eye on her when my husband has to do something or be somewhere.
I have resigned myself to the fact that this is my life. I will retire in December and plan to vacation somewhere, on my own, for a few months.
Initially I would try to straighten mom out with the truth, which was never remembered anyway and only caused renewed grief as if it was the first time she heard it. It went so far as to become an accusation of not being told at all.
Hubby is doing great as a caregiver. Let him deal with it as he sees fit, his job. If this is hard on your marriage a s it sounds like it is it may be time for counseling and exploring other living arrangements for MIL.
Have you done anything since your first post a year ago to try to figure out the best way to deal with this that will work for everyone, including you?
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