My situation might be a bit different than others. My fiance's brother is disabled (medical condition that requires surgery every 5-10 years and some short-term memory loss). He currently lives with a family friend because their mother passed and their dad was never around. He has the ability to live on his own but would need help because his family has never taught him to be independent (he's 36). He has a job and relationship, so he's capable of doing most things on his own. My fiance is one that doesn't want to "let go" and allow his brother to have his own life, so he assumes that he will live with us at some point. He is already here about 50% of the time. I treasure alone time and need a "reset". My fiance's schedule allows me this time but not when his brother is here.
Is there any way for me to get past my own issues with having resentment toward his brother and their family for not teaching him to be independent? I wish I could just see him as a fully disabled person who wouldn't be able to live on his own because that would make it easier to think he needs 24/7 care. I hope I don't come off as mean or rude, but I don't see anything that would prevent him from being on his own or having his own family (I've known him over 10 years).
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I can't equate what I have gone through to what you are going through. DH had enormous 'mommy issues' and he hid them well. He kept me away from his mother as much as he could and used my youth and lack of life experience as a way to keep me off balanced. I actually called off the wedding 3(!) times, but my between my mom and my fiance, I simply lost my sense of self completely.
I NEVER thought I would have a 'loveless' marriage. Never. I thought I could MAKE it be what I knew it COULD be.
But it takes two.
I have given up and have accepted a 'brother/sister' type of relationship and have forgone any physical intimacy, emotional closeness, etc to have an 'ok' marriage. Just OK, when it could be fantastic.
In DH's eyes, since we don't fight and scream at each other, he thinks it's great. B/C it's BETTER than what his parents had. (They divorced 42 years in).
So, while I'd give us a solid D+, he's say we have a B or B+ marriage. We did talk about expectations, goals, etc., and a part of me really wanted to believe. But the truth stared me in the face and I looked away and thought "I can MAKE this marriage great".
I will admit that sometimes I am beyond miserable and unhappy, but after 45 years, I am not rocking the boat.
I tell you what, though. I have 4 daughters and I talked endlessly to them about marriage and their expectations and what the reality was. They ALL have great, strong marriages. I am proud of that. Once actually broke off a potnetially disatrous wedding and 25 years later--she is SO GRATEFUL.
You can save yourself or continue on. My personal 'feeling' is that this guy, although he's nice and kind, etc., will never put you first. If you can live with that--go for it. If it's a problem now, marriage will not solve it.
(all this was typed as I listened to my DH plan a business trip for Thursday-Sunday--my 65th birthday is Friday and he has no clue--he actually said to his coworker "Oh, yeah, I got nothing going on".)
46 years we've been together and he has remembered my birthday less than half of the time.
I'm not strong enough for this to not hurt, and hurt a lot. And no, I will not say anything. Why? Guilt him into putting me first?
Enough ranting. I gotta go take mother to Bingo.
Both of my girls dodged bullets too, not only were these guys not right for them but they had awful mothers who interfered in their lives. There are red flags in these situations and your daughter and my daughters spotted them!
Some guys are only looking out for themselves. They will pull all sorts of tricks! My youngest daughter started dating a young man in high school that she cared for but questioned if it was going to turn into a ‘serious’ relationship.
This young man that my daughter dated ended up going to the same university as my daughter. They continued dating. He became so possessive and even violent, ending with her having to obtain a restraining order. This guy was so manipulative that he threatened suicide to get her back!
She refused to go back to him but she did call his parents to let them know that he dropped off a note to her while she was at work telling of his suicide plan. His dad tracked him down through his cell phone and the police brought him to a mental hospital for an evaluation.
This guy’s mother called me on the phone and asked me to convince my daughter to get back together with him so he wouldn’t attempt suicide again! She was always interfering in their relationship and if her son was unhappy, because he didn’t get his way, she blamed my daughter, because my daughter wouldn’t go along with whatever he said. She would have been a horrible mother in law!
Well, you can imagine what I told this woman when she called me and told me all sorts of crazy stuff. Get this! Her son blinded my daughter’s dog by throwing a hard object at him and the poor dog’s retina became detached. His mom told me that he didn’t like the dog and told me to tell my daughter to get rid of her dog! Then she tells me that her son was going to buy an engagement ring and propose to my daughter at Christmas!
I told her to tell her son not to spend his money on a ring, my daughter loved her dog and was never going to get rid of him and that she was never, ever going back to her son and to get over it and leave us all alone! I also told her that I didn’t interfere like she did, I taught her to respect herself and walk away if she found herself in an abusive situation. Mid, I am right there with you, I am proud of my daughters too. We teach them as much as we can, then pray an awful lot, right?
It’s a crazy world at times, isn’t it?
Please go talk to a therapist yourself. Soon.
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Big red flag to me.
You recognize what you fiancé and his family haven’t been able to see because they are too close to the situation to see it.
It is terribly sad that your fiancé’s family didn’t teach him to live independently. They smothered him and more accurately put, they crippled him.
I know a woman that was pregnant a shortly before I was. She is my neighbor’s sister. She is a very dear woman, and is a couple of years older than me. Her baby was born with Down’s syndrome. My test result numbers came up high enough for my child to be born with Down’s syndrome. This woman came over to my house and she listened to my concerns. She told me about her experience and it was so helpful.
She gave me the name of a therapist to speak with. I went and I decided that I would have amniocentesis done to determine what I was facing. This way, I could prepare myself for what I needed to do.
Well, my child didn’t have Down’s. Had my child had Down’s, I would have followed the pattern that my neighbor’s sister did. Her son is in his late 20’s now and lives in a group home. He has a job and is able to manage his own life. He even tells his mom, “Go home.” when he feels that his mom is overly concerned about something.
She is a wonderful mother to him. She allowed him to have his own life. She always said to me that she wouldn’t be around for the rest of his life and it was extremely important to her to raise him to be a functioning adult. He is a functional adult. She did her job! That is the job of parents and in your case, your fiancé’s job as a sibling to help his brother by helping him gain his independence.
Here’s another example of true love. I grew up listening to Ray Charles. He said that his mom forced him to be independent after he lost his eyesight. He was very grateful for that. When he became addicted to heroin in his later years. She told him, “Ray, you are blind, not crippled.” She hated that heroin stole his independence away from him and felt that it crippled him. He was addicted for most of his life because he blamed himself for his brother’s death. He saw his brother drown as a child and couldn’t save him. He lived with that pain and turned to heroin.
Just like Ray couldn’t save his brother from drowning, and it wasn’t his fault that he died, your fiancé is not responsible for his brother’s fate in life, nor can he save him. He needs to do what Ray’s mother did, allow him to be independent. In the end, he and his brother would be happier.
My neighbor’s sister’s son is very happy and satisfied with his life. I saw this kid grow up. He played with all of the children in our neighborhood and is a terrific young man now. He had an older brother who doesn’t have to support him in any way. They are simply brothers.
Wishing you and your fiancé all the best.
Your (sort of) fiancée has been told (and told again) that he is a part of a situation which is of no benefit to himself OR his brother, and yet, even at risk of sacrificing a relationship with someone who has offered him love and to whom he has offered love in return, cannot fully separate his feelings enough to benefit ALL PARTIES CONCERNED?
You are being told, upfront, that you are to prepare a married life based on 50% NOW, and LESS time as husband and wife as your marriage continues. You don’t IN ANY WAY, “…come off as mean or rude…”, rather you sound like someone deeply in love who is both naive AND fully aware of the potential and inevitable tragedy of becoming a married 3rd wheel.
Have you tried to sever your romantic relationship even temporarily in your past with this man? Would you consider a trial separation now?
Your intended needs an awakening that HE doesn’t want to occur. Are you content to play a role in that? To whom is this situation fair, or rational, or loving?
Hoping that you take excellent care of yourself, and consider how “balance” can be achieved between two, not three people.
After the 8 week session, he pulled us apart, separately and was very, very clear that we should NOT get married, at least not in the 6 weeks we had planned.
This was a man who'd trained, written books--very qualified, and my next door neighbor, so he KNEW ME well.
He was super concerned about some differences in us that we were too young and stupid to listen to, or even acknowledge. One was that I was only 20, and had had NO life experience--DH was 25 and had been in the Army and had traveled some and had parents who were incredibly toxic & a HUGE influence on him.
We, of course, pooh-poohed this advice and got married and every single thing he had concerns over came to be true. It has been a VERY hard go, though we are committed to each other and the marriage, there is basically no 'love' left. We coexist as siblings would. We don't fight. We just exist together. No intimacy, no talks or quiet time spent together. He wants to talk about politics 24/7 and sees conspiracy theories everywhere. He is completely clueless as to how to be a husband and I am exhausted trying to figure out what he wants from me.
AND--his toxic mother? What a nightmare. She went from bad to intolerable in 10 years. He never stood up for me or even acknowledged that she was the problem, not me.
We haven't been miserable--just, I think, about 40% of what we could have had.
I am sad a lot, and have tried to build a life that doesn't include him. He doesn't care. I know seeing his toxic parents and being abused as a child made this man be who he is--but he will not seek help.
A FIANCE is NOT a spouse. Things generally don't get better. Esp when your spouse has shown his choices and priorities.
Would your fiancé be willing to go to one of their classes, to see what other families have seen their LOs achieve?
Around this forum, we’ve seen the issues of caregivers no longer able to do the caregiving any longer. Illness, death, etc, can take us out of the game.
Your fiancé may not have thought about the possibility that he may be taken out of caregiving unexpectedly.
Best wishes to you!
Many families consider themselves "blessed" to have a disabled child and have mightily resisted efforts to have that child "put away" or institutionalized.
They don't see the difference between institutionalization (which was frequently recommended back in the old days) and new independent/group living arrangments for disabled folks which allows them MORE freedom than living with family.
It's also possible that your boyfriend's mom extracted a promise that your BF would always care for his brother.
Has your BF got access to up-to-date assessments of his brother's abilities and potential?
Those might be useful in evaluating whether living on his own or in a supportive environment might be the best idea.
Your boyfriend's brother IS fully disabled. If he does not possess the necessary life skills to manage on his own, that is a disability. Could it be possible that your boyfriend and his family tried to teach him independence but failed? Consider that.
Your boyfriend truly believes he is his brother's keeper. You will not be able to change that. No other woman will be able to either.
You state that your fiance's schedule makes time for you. That proves that you are important to him. From what you're saying here it seems to me that you want your fiance to have a close relationship with his brother. Only you want it to be on your terms and not his. Don't go down that road because it always leads to the same place. It will lead to your fiance growing to resent and hate you. You've been the 'fiance' for ten years? If you really think about your relationship you'll probably find another reason or reasons besides the disabled brother that is keeping your relationship from moving forward.
The brother is 36 and has a relationship of his own. Who knows if at some point he will want to be self-reliant and more independent for the sake of having a life with his partner?
You have a choice. Either accept the situation as it is with your fiance and live with it, or walk away and find another man that will make you a bigger priority in his life.
Ive not pushed my fiance to not make his brother a priority. When his brother iss here, I'm with him 100% of the time. My fiance spends maybe 50% of the time and has been better at certain things. If anything, the only issue I have regarding that is that he wants his brother to celebrate out anniversary with us, go to my family's house with us, go on vacations, etc. He gets upset when I say that he and I need a relationship independent of his brother or anyone else. That would be my only issue with my fiance. He used to have me do 100% of the work with his brother but now he contributes as well.
My main concern has always been that my fiance wants to keep his brother from having any life separate from him. He doesn't want him to get married, have children, have his own apartment, etc. He wants his brother to be with him all the time and not have any life. I guess we're on either side of the spectrum. I want his brother to have a fulfilled life and he wants him to be isolated.
However. It's tricky. You've known the family longer than many engaged people who find themselves in this kind of situation, but all the same - it isn't yet for you to intervene directly in the brothers' relationship.
Let's start with the actual decision-maker: what does your fiance's brother want for his future?