Depressed everyday- Is there any way to ever feel better?

Hi Linda,
First, caregiving is so very difficult for many people. The changes in function of the aging is not easy. I once heard a very wise and seasoned woman say that depending on family members to serve as our very best friends can often be disappointing...for various reasons. Also, not going out of our inner circle hinders us from growing as "individuals" and becoming all they we were created to be. Additionally, it's easy to get caught up in being a "total rescuer"...which has downfalls as well. As adults, we need to detach from our families of origin in order to move forward and thrive. I realize this sounds a bit deep or "woo woo!" Here are a few things that have helped me:
1. Write on paper how you would like to "see" your life.
2. Review what you wrote at least once a week.
3. Buy or create something for yourself...that "you" like...not what you think your mom would "think" you like.
4. Start distancing yourself a bit. Send small notes and cards to your mom, but don't feel oppression if you decide not to call her.
5. Get physically active daily. A 5 minute walk is a great start!
6. Go somewhere different.. a group... volunteer...even if you find yourself miserable...reward yourself with something you like.

I think sadness can hit at very unsuspecting times, too. However, I think we all need to find ways to become excited about living the days we have left and thrive to our fullest. You can do great things, Linda! Sending you a big hug and lots of positive thoughts!

Linda,
I’ve had to pretty much give up on the idea of conversing with my mother. She can no longer do the back and forth of conversation. Questions from me agitate her. She gets frustrated about her lack of memory, and that causes anxiety.

Once the anxiety begins, she gets in a dementia loop, repeating the same statement in one minute intervals.

It’s maddening, sad, and depressing.

So, now, when I go in, if she’s in her room, I just sit quietly and don’t really ask her to engage in a “visit”. I pray, or read a book, and I just sit there.

If I go in when she’s in an activity, she just gets crazy anxious to get back out into the main room where the activity is going on. Not because she likes or is engaged in the activity, but because it is part of the ROUTINE. Anything out of her routine makes her incredibly anxious.

When I leave a visit, I HAVE to plan something fun to do. Even if it’s just going to Lowe’s and buying a $3.00 plant. Anything to distract myself into thinking about what just happened. ‘Cause the little griefs just pile up.

You’re in a good place here. There was no instruction manual for this season of my life. But, though reading through others’ experiences, I’ve learned so much, and don’t feel so quite alone in this.

Colleen

Whoa. Some people are so quick to lash out on a board, and I'm sure they'd refrain from speaking that way to someone's face. It would be a nice thing if this was a soft place to land so to speak, but I guess not everybody feels that way.

LindaC11, I think you are a saint for calling your Mom everyday. You are doing much better than I am. Feeling depressed is a normal reaction. You've gotten a lot of good advice here on why self-care is so important. You have a lot on your plate. You no doubt have heard what has been said about the empty vessel - you have nothing left for others when you're running on empty. Do something nice for LindaC11 so you feel recharged to take on the hard stuff. Good luck and hugs.

In going through the 5 stages of grief, it's easy to get stuck in one stage, especially anger or depression. It sounds like you are experiencing this depression in both the loss of your job and the loss of your close relationship with your Mom. A therapist would definitely help you sort this out. Journaling helps sometimes, also. Every morning when you first get up, jot down what you are feeling that day. Most everyone on this forum understands the pain you are going through. I'm praying right now that God will surround you with His arms of love and help you to move forward. ((Hugs!))

Conversations or visits don't need to be long to have meaning.

Sitting quietly with someone can be all they require. Or maybe listen to music together, or watch an old film (& doze off).

I was blessed last year to spend time with a lady who just wanted to look out the window at 'her tree'. Sometimes she hummed a song to herself or talked to the birds. It was enough.

Peace to you 🕊️

It’s hard to watch someone slip away slowly. All kinds of emotions. Counseling may not be a bad idea. Not because you’re not handling it correctly, but to sort out your feelings with some guidance.

You mentioned that your mother is your one and only best friend. That’s wonderful that you’re close! But It implies that you don’t have a circle of friends. And I’d guess you have less interaction with others than before, now that you’re retired? I may have missed the mark and interpreted that wrong. Apologies if I have.

Start trying now to cultivate new friends or activities, especially with being newly retired. Maybe at a church, or volunteering for a cause you care about. It’s not easy and can take awhile.

Of course no one can replace your best friend, and no one would want you to! It just helps to have your own immediate circle, and you’ll need that circle more than ever when your mother eventually passes.

If meeting people is too emotionally taxing right now, there’s a lot of help online, as you’ve discovered here. Many support groups are still meeting online. You definitely aren’t alone!

Linda, I can so relate to your post. My mother was my best friend as well. I would phone her every day and chat. I did most of the talking but my mom enjoyed our conversations and she used to tell me that I was her "lifeline"

But when my mom got to be in her late eighties, early nineties her short term memory was shot and conversations became awkward, sometimes very one-sided because my mom would repeat the same questions and I would get frustrated and end the call early.

I found as someone on here said that eventually just being with her and sitting quietly and companionably ended up being what sustained my mom. Looking out the window together or just looking through a magazine etc.

I know you're sad and believe me I was sad too. When she died at 92 I not only lost a mom but my best friend as well. Please just try to enjoy the time you have left with her even though it makes you melancholy and know she appreciates you even if she may not be able to show it as much.

When I vent about my 94 y/o mother to my 28 y/o daughter who's an RN, she keeps repeating (over & over again) to 'go get therapy' or 'go get counseling'. Which irritates the snot out of me b/c I've been down that road in the past. And guess what? Nothing changed. And nothing will change, either, unless the 'counselor' or 'therapist' can stop my mother from having dementia and repeating the same things over and over again, or complaining about the same things over and over again, or insisting that I should move her in here with me, or that one of 'the family' (who are all dead) should move her in with them, etc etc.

Nobody can fix dementia. Nobody can fix the broken mind of the person suffering from it or the daily turmoil the 'child' has to suffer when calling the parent to talk on the phone. Or driving over to see them. It gives me a stomach ache every single time. It's rare that we're able to have a pleasant conversation, or a real conversation of any kind, or a nice visit. It's always strewn with a lot of cussing (on her part) and name calling and general angst/agitation/complaining about everything from the food to the other residents who live with her in the Memory Care ALF. She often hangs up on me, too. The whole thing is nerve wracking.

If others want to tell you it's 'shallow' or 'selfish' of you to feel depressed or upset with this situation, that's flat out wrong in my opinion. We're all entitled to feel whatever emotions we FEEL. We've lost, or are losing, our mothers to an ugly disease that makes them impossible to talk to; to interact with; to deal with in general. The argumentativeness is beyond belief; just that alone is enough to make any attempt at 'conversation' impossible, at least in my case.

Feel however you need to feel. Get it off your chest. Come here to vent & to get support in general, from most people who understand and empathize with you. Take what you like & leave the rest, as it is with the entirety of the internet.

Get counseling if you think it will help you, by all means. I just don't like that answer as a 'be all and end all' across the board remedy to everything. Sometimes I just want to vent and be heard, that's all. Or punch a pillow and scream. I want my daughter to say Gee mom, I hear you.........I know how tough grandma can be and what a horror show it is to go over there & have her treat you like dirt. Not "Will you please go get counseling, geeez mom." You know?

Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation. You have my understanding and support, and here's a hug for you too.

My dear fellow caregiver, there is NOTHING shallow or selfish about what you are feeling.

Having a periodic conversation with a good professional counselor will not do any harm, especially since you’ve pretty well defined your needs already.

My own mother and I had a very troubled past until she was quite elderly, when we developed a wonderful closeness that remained until she died. Those lovely times together remain with me as cherished memories.

Have you tried to enter whatever subject she talks about, and letting that be the center of your conversations together? I presently visit a dear LO who is a two time Covid survivor. I’m so grateful to just be with her that whatever she talks about, no matter how detached it may be, can somehow delight and comfort me.

It’s not what it was when we were younger, but there are days when I feel amazingly uplifted by what conversation goes between us.

Whatever she says or doesn’t say, I can practically bet that the love you feel for each other has survived whatever cognitive skills have been lost.

By the way, I doubt you’re boring either. Please be sure that you’re doing a little something that will delight you or comfort you or cheer you EVERY SINGLE DAY. If there’s a caregiver group somewhere near you, you may be able to share some of your sorrows and concerns there, and you will be helping both yourself and others.

Hope you will soon find peace and comfort.

I am so sorry..I had the same depressed feeling..it is called Anticipatory Grief.. you grieve before they are gone. I went for counseling {took 3months} and now I can enjoy what is left of my mom..please try counseling..I can feel joy again in the little things we share..God Bless you…