How do I tell my husband that he will be moving to a Memory Care facility?
If any of you have experienced this, I would appreciate any and all ideas. There is no sense talking about it much before hand. He forgets everything from day to day.
I never told Mom anything till the day she moved in. But she had approached or was approaching her last stage. We just told her, with both the AL and NH, that she was moving to a new apartment where she would make new friends and have things to do. Period. Not why she needed to go, not that it was better for her, not that I couldn't care for her. Keep it short. Get him there. If the staff feels its better you leave, then leave. He needs to depend on them. If you visit, make it short. They may suggest you not visit for a few days to get him acclimated.
You don't discuss plans with him, period. I expect this goes against your instincts, I'm sure you would much prefer to be open and honest with him about what's going to happen, but the reason not to is not because he'd argue, or be upset, or anything like that. The reason you don't discuss future events with people with advanced dementia is that they struggle to process the information, and the struggle itself is a confusing ordeal.
If he *asks* you what is going to happen, bringing the subject up either generally or in the particular, then you should be truthful but reassuring. E.g. "we'll be moving ahead with finding specialist support for you, but I'm not going anywhere and I will always make sure you're taken good care of."
But mainly you focus on what he needs to do in the present moment: It's time to get dressed. We're going out in the car. Here we are at Rosefields, we're having lunch here today. This is Sandy who can show you to the bathroom.
Do the two of you have visitors who are likely to want to talk about the move with him?
You don’t. You tell him you’ve found a lovely place where you’d like to move to, some day soon.
You describe the beauty of “the apartment” you’ve chosen, the delicious food that’s served daily, the fun activities you’ve learned they have there, and the advantages of not having to keep up with all the troublesome disadvantages of your (his) present residence.
You don’t bombard him with all of these ideas at once, of course. You mention them casually as they come up through his day.
After you’ve introduced a few of the previous advantages to his move, you tell him that you want him to go first, so that he can enjoy the benefits while you do some of the “grunt” work at home.
The day of his move you tell him you want him to see how pleasant his new surroundings are going to be.
Before “the day” contact the stat at the MC and ask them if they have any particular strategies/recommendations for easing the stress of the first day. Ask if someone can come to the car to greet him, if you think that’s something that might make the arrival more comfortable for him.
When you arrive at his destination, you invite him to take a walk in with you. If he’s reluctant, allow his staff greeter to encourage him, or say that they’re waiting inside to show him around, or something you think might be similarly welcoming.
As soon as he’s inside, in the presence of his new caregivers, give him a brief, encouraging hug, tell him that you love him dearly, and leave. If he calls or yells to you, keep walking.
If this is the hardest thing you’ve ever done during your life together, and it may well be, make yourself repeat over and over “I’ve made this decision for him because I love him dearly, this IS the best decision I could make for him, and I will soon be able to visit him often”.
Get his rooms set up in advance as much as you can. This way there will familiar items when he walks into the room. I moved, I should say we moved houses and I thought my Husband would not do well but I was very surprised. He walked into the new house and his recliner was there and he just sat down. If your husband understands to some degree just tell him he has to go where he will be safe. You will keep repeating that. When he asks to "go home" you tell him that he is home. Home is where he is safe and people care for him. This transitions will probably be more difficult for you than it will be for him.
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If he *asks* you what is going to happen, bringing the subject up either generally or in the particular, then you should be truthful but reassuring. E.g. "we'll be moving ahead with finding specialist support for you, but I'm not going anywhere and I will always make sure you're taken good care of."
But mainly you focus on what he needs to do in the present moment: It's time to get dressed. We're going out in the car. Here we are at Rosefields, we're having lunch here today. This is Sandy who can show you to the bathroom.
Do the two of you have visitors who are likely to want to talk about the move with him?
While you are out, someone else sets up his room.
Best wishes in this hard time.
You describe the beauty of “the apartment” you’ve chosen, the delicious food that’s served daily, the fun activities you’ve learned they have there, and the advantages of not having to keep up with all the troublesome disadvantages of your (his) present residence.
You don’t bombard him with all of these ideas at once, of course. You mention them casually as they come up through his day.
After you’ve introduced a few of the previous advantages to his move, you tell him that you want him to go first, so that he can enjoy the benefits while you do some of the “grunt” work at home.
The day of his move you tell him you want him to see how pleasant his new surroundings are going to be.
Before “the day” contact the stat at the MC and ask them if they have any particular strategies/recommendations for easing the stress of the first day. Ask if someone can come to the car to greet him, if you think that’s something that might make the arrival more comfortable for him.
When you arrive at his destination, you invite him to take a walk in with you. If he’s reluctant, allow his staff greeter to encourage him, or say that they’re waiting inside to show him around, or something you think might be similarly welcoming.
As soon as he’s inside, in the presence of his new caregivers, give him a brief, encouraging hug, tell him that you love him dearly, and leave. If he calls or yells to you, keep walking.
If this is the hardest thing you’ve ever done during your life together, and it may well be, make yourself repeat over and over “I’ve made this decision for him because I love him dearly, this IS the best decision I could make for him, and I will soon be able to visit him often”.
Hopes and positive thoughts to you and to him.
I moved, I should say we moved houses and I thought my Husband would not do well but I was very surprised. He walked into the new house and his recliner was there and he just sat down.
If your husband understands to some degree just tell him he has to go where he will be safe.
You will keep repeating that.
When he asks to "go home" you tell him that he is home. Home is where he is safe and people care for him.
This transitions will probably be more difficult for you than it will be for him.