How do I 'disconnect' myself from my narcissistic mother, when I still deeply feel that I need her to show me ANY real love?

Hoping or expecting love from a narcissistic mother is sort of like hoping to be taught algebra from a 5 year old child. It's not gonna happen, no matter how hard we hope for it. I think it's wise to hope for acceptance of what is instead of hoping for the impossible now, you know? Your mother is incapable of empathy, which means she doesn't know how she makes you feel, or anyone else for that matter, so she's not capable of feeling an emotional bond with anyone as a result. It's her lack, in reality, not yours.

My mother has a narcissistic personality too; she's not able to see how her behavior makes me feel, so she lashes out and says horrible things. Today I went to see her in the Memory Care AL where she lives. I sat there & told her I am not going to put up with it anymore & that she is making my heart hurt with her foul words. I set down a boundary that I will no longer allow her to cross b/c it's costing ME too much to continue to put up with. Whether she loves me or hates me is irrelevant right now; all that matters is that I protect MYSELF from her foul words, that's ALL. I've dealt with her horrendous behavior for 64 years now and that's enough. I will continue to pay her bills and send her snacks and bras and Depends and whatever else she 'can't live without' but that's all. She can rely on others at the MC for whatever else she needs b/c I'm worn out. To a frazzle. And I told her that today. I'm no longer looking for the impossible from her; a sign of love or giving a crap about how I'M doing. She's not capable of it, so it's ME who has to change what I'M doing, not her.

Check out this pretty awesome article on the subject:

https://toxicties.com/9-coping-strategies-narcissistic-mother/

Set down some very firm boundaries with your NM right away. Stop looking for something from her she cannot (or will not) give you. Look out for YOURSELF before you find yourself sick and emotionally fried with nobody to care for you. You matter too. We've been groomed to feel like we don't matter; that only our NMs matter and that we have to jump at their every mood or we'll be punished with the Silent Treatment or something similar. Really, who cares? The silent treatment is a gift, to be honest. Silence from my mother's mouth does me more good than harm these days.

Take care of you now and understand that it's okay to do that, necessary & vital, in fact. If your mother's days on this Earth are numbered, so be it. Our capacity to give and receive love is never 'finite'; it's endless and eternal. Just b/c your mother was incapable of showing her love for you in this life does not mean you weren't worthy of it. You were and you are. You are a beautiful & wonderful child of God who is perfect in every way. Start realizing that and feeling it in your soul, with or without your mother's acknowledgement of it.

Why can’t you disconnect? Answer is in every commercial, movie, book as well as looking at families walking down the street. We are bombarded with “perfect” families. At least they look that way from the outside perspective.
As far as I know last “perfect person” was nailed to a cross.
Do what you need to do for yourself.
If you have it in your heart and mind to do so forgive her for the imperfect mother she is. You strive to be better despite her example. 2 kinds of role models, ones you work hard to be like and ones you work hard to be the opposite of.
By the way, don’t occasionally hang up the phone if you are treated badly. Do it each time. For everyone. Just say I can not take that kind of talk and if it continues I will hang up. Next time someone, anyone says something to insult you just hang up. No goodbye, no sorry, just hang up. No one should take abuse from anyone.
hang in there, be kind to yourself

Good for you and you're important too. I know exactly what you're going through because my mother sounds exactly like yours.
It's hard for you, me, and anyone else to disconnect from parents like ours because we've had a lifetime of their abusive conditioning literally starting on day one. So it's tough for people like us to not get lost in a F.O.G. (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) when our selfish, narcissistic, and often downright abusive parents get elderly and needy. Their conditioning of us our entire life, makes us afraid to say no and stand up for ourselves. That somehow if we say no to some absurd request or don't suffer their bullying and insults in silence that this erases an entire lifetime of trying our best and striving for them to love and appreciate us. It doesn't.
I learned this some time ago. My mother who is dependent on me knows that I'm not getting "cancelled" by anyone because I refuse to live my life based on her needs and wants. I do what she needs, but I do it on my terms not hers. In her old age she wants me to be a loving, empathetic caregiver who can't do enough for her. She also knows she will never get that from me. A person can't give what they don't have.
If you're meeting mother's needs (not wants) in her old age, then you are a better person than she is. Let that be some small comfort to you. And if you say no, or hang up on her when she's getting mean, or don't go running to her house every minute that does not cancel all the years you've done for her.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My narcissistic and mentally ill mother made me miserable every year I permitted her into my life. She never loved or wanted me and made that clear every day.

After about 40 years I made the decision to exclude her from my life for a good ten years. After that I had extremely limited contact with her until she died a few months ago. Unfortunate and terribly sad for all concerned. We cannot make people love us, no matter who they are, and we are wise not to try. It is what it is.

I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy and recommend you try it too for yourself. Other things that have helped tremendously are meditations (calm.com), yoga, Buddhism, reading and study, support from my NAMI chapter. I recommend a book called “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach. You cannot change anyone, only yourself.

One of the things you describe are boundaries. I’ve had a difficult time with boundaries my entire life. I’m better about it now, but have to be conscious of it as people will treat you as you have allowed them to treat you. Say no, maybe to small things at first. Walk away, don’t answer your phone or emails, do what you need to do to establish some boundaries. It’s ok really! You don’t have to be everything to everyone.

Please come back and let us know how YOU are, you need to start taking care of YOU!

My therapist told me that it’s like going to the hardware store every day and asking if they have bread in stock. They will never have bread. And you keep going back hoping they will have bread and you leave disappointed. Searching for the love that that you deserve from your mother is like searching for bread day after day at the hardware store.

At some point I had to let go of the idea that something was going to change and that my past was going to be reconciled somehow. I focus my attention on having a great future and put my energy into people that will return my love for them.

This is not about you. You can be and are the loving and kind person she never could be. The other day I was making meatballs for my family for our “Saturday Spaghetti” get together and in my head I was infusing the meatballs with loving words. I know this sounds silly. But I also know these are the memories I will purposely be creating for my own children and grandchildren rather than the horror stories that I recall. My advice is to not waste one more minute on hoping you will get your mother’s approval and start making great memories for those around you or even just yourself.

I don’t want to sound like this is an easy journey. That overnight you wake up and start making magical meatballs. It’s painful. I don’t want to spew toxic positivity! It took therapy and a lot of tears and support from friends and family. And I’m still not over the abuse but I’m much better. One day I realized that my own time on earth is limited. Stop searching for bread at the hardware store. All my love to you!

We all want love. Well. except for a narcissist. They don’t know what real love is. They can fake emotions but they have no real empathy or remorse. If they fake it, it is used for manipulation.

I am so sorry that you haven’t received the love that you needed and deserve.

A very good friend of mine always has gatherings at her home for her ‘real’ family. That what she calls us, her friends that she has retained a friendship with for more than 20 years. A very long time ago she went to a therapist who told her to replace her family that hurt her, and form a new family of people who respected her and appreciated her. That’s exactly what she did to fill her void and she never looked back.

Sometimes, she is sad. She mourned the loss of not having a loving mom and sisters, quite some time ago, but there are days that she feels pain when she sees others who have meaningful relationships with their families. She never knew her dad.

I am not suggesting that you abandon your mom. That is not my place to do. All I am saying, is to protect your heart.

It makes us wonder, ‘Why us?’ when these things happen in our lives. I am glad that you found this forum, because many people here have been in your shoes. They can add their own perspective and shed some light on how to cope.

I hope that you don’t believe any lies that your mom may have told you. That’s awful. Seek validation from those who really care for you.

Wishing you peace. Share your thoughts. We care.

Your need for your mother's love is not selfish, it is a very basic human need. We all need to be loved by someone- preferably our own family. But it doesn't sound, from what you say, that you'll ever be the recipient of her affection. At the end of her life, never having received the love you want and need, you may experience a type of ambiguous loss, an unresolved need that was never met. This can affect you for the rest of your life. Why can't you disconnect? Why can't you be stronger? Because that's who you are. It's neither right nor wrong, good nor bad, it just is. I would suggest finding a mental health professional now, even before your mother's passing. YOU come first.

After reading everyone’s answers/comments I couldn’t help but share my experience. My oldest and only daughter has labeled me a narcissist mother and has blocked/cut all ties with me because quote “I am toxic to her well being.” Reading everyone’s answers here about not allowing your mothers to be verbally abusive and not ever expecting to get the love her mother is not able to give…..well as a mother, I’ve been on the daughter’s side where I’ve done all I could to be there for my adult daughter, emotionally, financially, in time of any sickness with her and her two children (my two grandchildren), her several marriage breakups … and the list goes on! And all I’ve ever wanted and asked of my daughter has been her time… which she could never find that with her busy schedule. This has gone on for years. We are elderly now between the late 60’s and mid 70’s, and I can count the times she was down for a visit in one hand… usually only at Christmas to be here for her gifts. My husband has back and neck issues with 7 surgeries to no pain relief and can no longer do much without excruciating pain, so I don’t leave him alone much anymore. My daughter was having a minor procedure this past March and wanted me there to take her to day surgery so her husband would not have to take time off work, even though he could. For the first time I had to tell her I was sorry snd could not be there, due to my husband’s situation. and she needed to get her husband to help. She was outraged and kept texting me and harassing and bullying me until I finally stopped answering and told her to leave me alone. When she continued I had no choice but to text her husband and asked him to please make her stop. Until then she would not let up. This kind of behavior from her has gone on for years whenever she has not gotten her way with us. Many times I would end up giving in and doing what she wanted which usually consisted of financial help and never getting paid back. She would make me feel guilty because of my grandchildren. She is now 48 years old and I’ve helped her financially since she moved away from home at the age of 18.
So even though I miss her snd want her in my life in every way possible …. I have been stress free and like someone’s answer above … she has done me a favor by cutting me and her family off and no longer dealing with her abuse. Parents are not always the narcissists …. Adult children can fit that title as well. My daughter has never owned up to her faults and continues to blame her family for everything wrong in her life.
This has been very hard for me but at the same time I find myself feeling more at peace and less stressed by her attacks.
I know this is long snd I’m sorry …

There are many of us out here that struggle while picking out Mother’s Day cards.

You are speaking my language. My narc mom is nearing the end of her days too. I have been her indentured servant for 10 long years. I was expecting her to show some motherly love for all I do for her, but I’ve come to the conclusion that she is pathologically indifferent and she just uses me. I’ve learned how NOT to get into arguments with her and we just basically talk about the weather or my pets. It’s never going to be anything more. She is not capable. But what I suggest for you is not to expect any miracles from her, but rather YOU be her teacher. We can’t change them. It’s pathological and too late for anything. I am at peace. I know I have shown her compassion and strength. I have taught her love even though she is not capable of feeling it. I can just be me. She can just be her. And this is what she taught me. So we’re both teachers - just in different ways. Perfection is not realistic, but acceptance is. I guarantee she will see the Light when her journey is over. And that’s not too late for you. You have done your best. She will see that. Move forward. You’re a good person. Live your life with no regrets. Blessings and peace to you and most of all - LOVE. 💖💖