So, while I am visiting my mom this month, I have discovered that she is having episodes of paranoia regarding my older brother, whose name she had added to her checking account so he could help her keep up with paying bills on time and general daily/weekly expenses. I had no idea she was having these episodes, but twice she has come to me saying that she is scared that my brother is doing something fishy with her money (he is not), and she wants to take his name off of the account. Which is fine, it's just the checking account and she is not making any gross errors, we just thought that since she was at the "getting forgetful" early stages, it would give her-all of us- peace of mind that she would not forget to pay any bills. Most have been automated anyway by now. And the two left can easily be as well. However, this recent development of paranoia throws a wrench into our further planning to help protect her, because I had thought that it is getting to be time for her to assign POAs for her health and finances. I assumed she'd assign it/them? to my brother as a matter of course since he lives with her and is her primary caretaker (she does not need any physical help yet and is in early stages of memory loss--unless the paranoia indicates more, but she's always been sorta paranoid that strangers will steal her stuff, so it's really hard for me to judge any recent decline based on that, except the fact that now she's not trusting her own oldest child, who has always been the favorite! My siblings and I have no conflicts between us and we're united in our concern being for her safety and wellbeing, so there are no issues there. The dilemma facing us now is how to even begin discussing POAs if she's already experiencing fear around losing power or control over her finances? One of her comments when in the throes of the paranoia episode was "He has all the power, I am so afraid" and it just broke my heart! I worry that whomever of us she "gives more power to," she will continue to develop these fearful feelings about.
Thank you for reading this!
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My dad was (is?) the same and it was only after some issues with certain spending and the ensuing dramas to reconcile his oversights that I had to make this clear to him that it was no longer in his best interests to handle financial matters. The evidence works better than persuasion.
Although at the time I did have POA, I considered myself 'overseer' to avoid appearing controlling and gradually obligations shifted over completely.
I can understand the anxiety and would feel the same about anyone taking over my asset management. To help alleviate this, I prepared reconciliation reports showing all expenditure which dad could check off his bank statements (it also helped me feel more confident when balancing accounts). His condition has deteriorated since then and the numbers don't really register anymore but providing the reports still offers reassurance as he scrutinises what he no longer comprehends.
While my siblings have no role in his care, they are supportive regarding dad's finances, but I do know that any misappropriation of funds would receive the utmost condemnation, so I maintain this practice not only for my own peace of mind but also to protect my integrity should my dealings ever be questioned - it helps me sleep better at night...
Maybe instead of 'giving Brother power (or you), it could be rephrased somewhat.
Mother, you have the right to sign financial, legal & medical documents for yourself.
Many families like to have an 'just in case of emergency' plan. That seems sensible to me. What do you think?
What if you were unable to sign for yourself (hit your head, very sick with Covid or something else)? Who would decide things with your best interests at heart? Who would be better to sign? Your lawyer, family or someone else?
I've heard it phrased similar - wish I could remember the exact wording! A very paranoid man with delerium was able to clearly explain to his Psychologist that he would pick his son over his lawyer or a court appointed person. In that case it was deemed he could understand the question, weigh the facts & legally sign the EPOA.
But cases differ & lawyers can disagree with medicos too.
Hopefully some posters with legal knowledge will be along to advice you on this one.
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Then have your brother's name removed from the check's itself, just leave him on the account.
Have your mom list one of ya'll on all her accounts as POD which only allows the person to take her money once she has died.
Wautomatically for a good day when she isn't paranoid and have the talk or, wait til she's at her Dr's appointment and tell the Dr beforehand to have the paperwork and talk to your mom about it. Just do the medical part for now.
You can have her add someone to her savings, ect another day when she is having a good day.
In the meantime, if you're not getting paper statements from the Bank, Do so. Show mom the Bank Statements of what her money went for to ease her mind about her finances.
Do this every month and it will help her to feel more in control.
If you could show your mother statements perhaps she could come to realize that there is a valid reason (hopefully) for payments being made and your brother is acting in her best interests. Good luck with how you proceed.
A sudden change in mental status should be investigated. It could be a UTI or other infection (or sudden drop in O2 sat) that is causing these episodes. Report this to her doctor.
Who told her that POA holds "all the power"? Does her POA take effect immediately or only when she is deemed unable to speak for herself?
Possibly a return trip to the lawyer who prepared this for a better explanation is in order.
There are no POAs at the moment. OP was planning to get these done, but is concerned about mom's condition, which may get in the way of assigning POA (to a person who needs to agree and sign the legal paperwork. keep in mind POA does stand for POWER of attorney! No, it doesn't mean they get all power, but to someone who is already distrustful, it will seem that way!)
OP was merely using that expression to describe her mother's concerns, not telling mom anyone has the power.
You can add your name to Mom's checking account but if you need to remove a name you have to close that account and open up a new one. I had to do that for my Mom. Hope you get things sorted out and get some peace of mind.
Get her legal paperwork completed while she can still manage. Have talks about who she trusts to oversee her finances with a financial POA. Explain that everything is being paid automatically and that this person will have electronic access to make sure she is not hacked and to make changes or payments as needed. Have talks about who she trusts to oversee her medical affairs: go with her to the doctor, ask medical questions, make medical decisions... and get that person a medical POA. Ask her who she trusts to manage division of her assets when she dies and have her will drawn up and that person named as executor. Also talk with her about end of life issues and help her decide if she wants CPR, fluids, and/or food if she is in a vegetative state. A family lawyer or eldercare lawyer can help with preparing all those documents.
Something else to consider is an appointment with the doctor. Wait until AFTER the lawyer writes up all those legal documents. THEN, ask the doctor to evaluate her for type of dementia and treatment. Alzheimer's and Parkinson's can be managed with medications in early stages. Anti-anxiety medications can help with some of the paranoia as well.
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