I'm being micro managed by a sibling who does the least when caring for my Mom who has dementia. How do I get him off my back?

You have the POA, you have the control. He is just upset that he has no control. And maybe that is why you have it, Mom saw that he would be controlling.

You need to stand up to him. Tell him you appreciate any positive input he has but YOU are Moms representative. She assigned YOU as POA. As such, you are doing what she wants or made you aware of what she wanted before the Dementia. So, he needs to get off your back. Sorry, but he has no control here. Only you and other brother.

You do realize that you don't have to keep him informed about every move you make and penny you spend. Especially the financial part. If Mom would not divulge her finances to him then as POA you don't divulge them either. Same with her medical. You don't have to divulge anything especially if Mom was private about this too.

Threats, let him threaten. As long as you have kept good records. All her money is going to her care. Then he has nothing to back up the threats. He could go for guardianship but thats expensive. If you have been doing a good job as POA, then I don't see where a Judge would rule in his favor. APS would investigate and find everything is in order.

Don't tell him anything. When he starts to be controlling or threatening, hang up. Tell him you are not obligated to tell him anything concerning Mom. And if he doesn't stop micromanaging you, you will not keep him in the loop.

I think the real issue is control, you and your other brother have a POA which he is not part of. As for his threats of doing something, just what would he do? Tell him firmly that you are doing all that is possible in this situation and will continue to handle things. I would limit contact with him. You are doing what needs to be done in a very difficult and emotional situation. As far as I can see from your description you are doing a very good job!

Is the issue home care vs facility care?

Could it be that bro is concerned about the cost of home care? In my area, the care you are describing would cost in the area of 12K a month. How long will mom's assets last at that rate?

Are you hiring independent contractors? IRS does not consider home care workers contractors. They are employees so you pay overtime, medicare, social security, workman's comp, deduct taxes, etc. Overtime for more than 40 hours. Setting up home care is quite an exercise to do correctly to protect mom and any future Medicaid benefits should she need them.

You need to consult with an elder law attorney to prepare caregiver agreements and to make sure this is done correctly and legally. If you were to end up with a disgruntled employee you sure want to protect mom from lawsuit.

To avoid all this and mom's assets facility living will cost much less.

Get him off your back? Do your due diligence find out what is required to do this legally. Then sit down and calculate the cost per year, how long will mom's assets last? Then sit down and chat with bro to discuss various options.

Who has POA? Is mom incompetent as determined by her docs? if not, your power is actually quite limited.

Your ‘other brother’ lives close, shares the care, and shares the POA. It sounds like you are doing most of the legwork to arrange things. Ask your ‘other brother’ to take over dealing with the Micro-Manager brother. It’s a very good way that he can help. He may also find it easier to stand up to the Micro-Manager, just to ignore him, and/or to tell him to get off your back. Tell MM that ‘other brother’ has taken over keeping him informed, so you should call him not me! Then hang up!

I have a brother just like this. Awfully concerned about mom's money, less about mom.

I blocked him from communicating with me. I have enough to worry about without adding selfish greedy siblings to the mix. Suggest you do the same.

First of all you and your brother who lives near by have mom's POA. So you two are the ones with the legal authority to make her decisions. Your other brother five hours away who doesn't have this can threaten to "do something" all day long. He's blowing it out of his a$$ and he knows it because there's nothing he can do. The next time he sends a threat about "doing something" and getting on you about not handling things right, tell him to go pound sand. You and your other brother have enough things to take care of already with your mom. Neither of you needs any of that nonsense.
If it is your mom's wish to remain in her home and you're making it possible for her to, then no one should have a problem with it.

It seems that 5 hour away brother disagrees with your mother's choices. It seems to be a bit of a habit, because no doubt that is why she appointed you and local brother to act for her, and excluded him.

He isn't controlling you, he's just arguing and giving you earache. To relieve the earache, take control of how you communicate with him. Is he calling you, or emailing you, or what?

I very much like Margaret's idea of delegating communication with remote brother to local brother, would that work for you?

Many of us have been in your shoes. We have all handled it in the best way for us. Some of us ignored our siblings, easier said than done, but entirely possible. Some of us said, “Have at it! You take over now!”

There were times that I wished that I had been an only child. Fortunately, some squabbling works itself out. It did for our family.

I am in full agreement with Glad, your interfering brother may not be ragging on you at all, He may not be attacking or criticizing you personally. I completely understand that it is annoying and frustrating!

He is in support of ‘facility’ care instead of ‘home care.’ Here’s the thing, though. He ISN’T in charge! You are! Your mom gave YOU and your other brother authorization to handle the matter. So, he can run his mouth and blurt out his idle threats all he wants to, and you can hang up the phone or block his calls.

Some of us have had or have situations where mom is playing siblings against each other. Thankfully, that isn’t the case here, Your mom has made her wishes known to you and your other brother.

I am curious. Has he made these same threats to his brother? Or is it just you? Has he tried to manipulate your mom in any way? I sincerely hope that he isn’t harassing your mother.

Are you satisfied with the caregivers that are helping you? If so, what’s the problem? These decisions are yours and your other brother’s decisions to make and he really shouldn’t interfere with them.

He is entitled to his opinion, but it doesn’t mean anything, because you hold all of the cards. So, he can babble to himself. What kind of threats is he making?

I am very sorry that he is getting on your last nerve. Some siblings specialize in that! If his complaints aren’t legitimate, then I seriously wouldn’t give them another thought. I absolutely adore the ‘block’ feature on my phone. It’s fantastic for eliminating nuisance calls.

Have you tried to reassure him that when and if your mom needs facility care, you will handle it? You know your brother and what he is capable of far better than any of us, but we are happy to help if we can. You are welcome to vent all you like. I can assure you that most people here have done lots of venting.

Wishing you the very best and I hope that this situation will work out in your favor, and that your mom will be at peace with what she and you and your other brother have decided on that is in her best interests.

Sending hugs and prayers your way. Take care.

So many good comments here. I agree - you do control when you answer the communications. Don’t pick up. Don’t open the email/or at least respond. Sit on it a while, even a couple of days. Be respectful of the family unit if at all possible but don’t be a punching bag. You also do not have to engage in the conversation. Thank him for his input/thoughts - then HARD STOP. Repeat. Don’t engage. Don’t feed it. He can’t have a one way conversation. You have to decide whether you want to build some personal boundaries with that brother or use the advice and let the other brother, if he has the canones, take on that fight. Sometimes men with men is just easier/better. That doesn’t offend me. Viva la difference in approaches. Good luck honey!

Home care at a $20.00/hour rate is $3,360 for one week of 24/7 care. Bing, bing, already more than 12K a month. That is a conservative rate for a contractor, which is beside the point, IRS article after article states caregivers cannot be contractors, they are employees.

An agency is likely to charge 25-30 an hour ($4,200 a week). An independent contractor that should be paid overtime for more than 40 hours and the cost skyrockets. Caregivers, especially those that are independent are often taken advantage of. Deals are made that if the department of labor were to look into them would leave an employer in violation of labor laws.